


Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! The Abridged Series

by agirlinsearchof



Series: Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! Multiverse [2]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series
Genre: Alternate Canon, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crude Humor, F/F, F/M, Foreshadowing, Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, Look What's Not Tagged, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 50,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25269349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlinsearchof/pseuds/agirlinsearchof
Summary: Tenth-grader Yugi Mutou is – oh, screw it. You know what this series is about. If you don't, then why are you reading Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfics? Anyway, this is a rewrite or some sh*t that probably won't even change much! What has the world come to, that we're making remakes of everything from twenty years ago?!
Relationships: Kaiba Seto/Yami Yuugi | Atem, Mazaki Anzu | Tea Gardner/Mutou Yuugi
Series: Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! Multiverse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704760
Kudos: 14





	1. Déjà Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! was written for sh*ts and giggles.

"Hey Jo! Earth to Jo! Hey, are you in there? It's your move!"

Yugi Moto was a very typical teenager – if you could consider a card-game-playing teenage girl with crazy hair and a technically-gender-neutral non-name to be typical.

"Sorry Yug – doin' this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on card games," said Jo Wheeler. She, like Yugi, was also a typical teenager – disregarding her insistence on faking a Brooklyn accent and the fact that she shares a name with a character from Little Women. Surprisingly, she doesn't have any sisters, let alone ones named Beth, Amy, or Meg.

"I know what you mean," said Trista Taylor. "I'm faking a different voice too. I'm thinking about changing it."

"By the way, my grandma has a super rare card," said Yugi, setting up this chapter's plot device.

"Groovy!" said Trista. Man, her slang was outdated.

"Hey, bada-bing!" said Jo. Her slang was also very outdated. That's what you get for writing a fanfic of a parody of a dub of an anime of a manga from the 1990s, I presume.

Elsewhere, Yugi's future adversary, Setomi Kaiba, was listening to their conversation. Impressive, considering that she was reading _Also Sprach Zarathustra,_ which 4Kids censored out. Because 4Kids is dumb.

_Rare card?_ thought Kaiba. _That sounds vague enough to be the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company, I obviously have nothing better to do than go check it out._ Yes, of course. It's not like hunting rare cards or, I don't know, _going to school 5 out of 7 weekdays_ could _possibly_ interfere with running a company.

That evening, Yugi, Jo, Trista, and our as-of-yet unmentioned token boy Ted Gardner made their way to Yugi's grandma's game shop. The four went through the front doorway.

"Hey grandma, can we please see your super-rare-awesome-chocolatey-fudge-coated-mega-super-card?" asked Yugi. Man, that's a long descriptor.

"I don't see why not," said Grandma Moto. Reaching under the counter and coming back up with a card, she said, "Here it is, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon."

"That's the least threatening name for a monster I've ever heard," said Jo. "What kinda mook could want a card like that?"

A mook named Setomi Kaiba, apparently. The five heard the bell on the door ring. They turned around to see her standing in the door menacingly. She walked up to the counter, pushing the others aside when they got in her way.

"I'm here for your Blue-Eyes, old woman, and I won't take 'no' for an answer! Now, give it to me!" said Kaiba.

"No!" said Grandma Moto.

"Curses, foiled again!" said Kaiba. For someone as much of a jerk as she was, a simple "no" seemed effective. "I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap you now. I'm a billionaire, so nobody will even think about pressing charges." Okay, never mind. "No" was _not_ as effective as it seemed. With that, Kaiba left the shop as abruptly as she arrived.

"That Kaiba kid needs to get laid," said Grandma Moto.

"Big time!" agreed Trista.

"…My eyes aren't even blue," muttered Grandma Moto.

Later that night, Grandma Moto was missing. The phone rang, and Yugi answered.

"Hello, Generic Game Shop!" she said.

On the other end was Kaiba.

"I kidnapped your grandma, Yugi, and then I dueled her into submission. So could you get over here and call an ambulance for her? I have far too much money to be expected to do it myself." She promptly hung up. Jerk.

"Wait, who is this?" asked Yugi, pointlessly.

Yugi, Jo, Ted, and Trista made their way to Kaiba's Duel Arena. No, don't ask me how they knew the way. I'm just telling the story. And making snarky comments on it. In the lobby, they found an injured Grandma Moto.

"Grandma!" said Yugi. "Are you okay?"

"For some reason, playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured," said Grandma Moto. "It's also making the narration interrupt my dialogue."

"That's right," said Kaiba. "And now, watch this!" With that, she tore the Blue-Eyes White Dragon in half.

"Grandma's special super-rare-awesome-super-card!" said Yugi.

"What the heck did ya do that for?" asked Jo.

"So it could never be used against me!" said Kaiba.

"In that case, why not just tear up every card in the whole world?" asked Yugi.

"Shut up and duel me!" said Kaiba.

"Don't worry Grandma," said Yugi. "I'll win this duel with your deck!"

"W-wait a minute!" protested Grandma Moto. "I've been injured, so you're going to steal my deck and go play cards with your arch-rival?"

Taking Grandma Moto's deck, Yugi said, "Pretty much."

"No wonder your parents are never around!" said Grandma Moto as Yugi walked off.

Yugi met back up with Jo, Ted, and Trista. Ted was holding a marker.

"Gather around, everyone, and I'll mark us with a special sign!" said Ted. Everyone held out their hands (except Grandma Moto, because who cares about minor characters?), and Ted drew a smiley face that encompassed all four hands.

"Uh, Ted, not for nothin', but… ain't this permanent marker?" asked Jo.

"Oh… whoops!" said Ted.

"Why were you even carrying that thing around in the first place?" Jo asked.

"I'm a kleptomaniac," said Ted. "I stole it from school!"

"Hey, my wallet's missing!" said Trista.

"Kaiba took it!" said Ted.

"You better not steal anything else," said Jo darkly. Of course, tempting fate never ends well, now does it?

"It's time to duel!" said Yami. Yep. That's what we're calling Yugi's alter ego. Because 4Kids is dumb.

"Wait, did you suddenly inhale Xenon in the last five seconds or something?" asked Kaiba. "What the heck happened to your voice?"

Suddenly, the Hitotsu-Me Giant appeared on the field. Because I like to rush duels in favor of funny dialogue, because _this isn't about children's card games._

"Holy Ra, real monsters!" said Yami.

"Actually, they're just super-advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching the experience of a children's card game!" said Kaiba. "This made sense in the manga, I swear."

"Okay, seriously, you've got to be *BLEEP*ing kidding me," said Yami. "Who wastes all their money on something like that?"

"The one who's going to beat your pasty pharaoh butt with three Blue-Eyes White Dragons, that's who!" With that, we cut to three Blue-Eyes White Dragons on the field.

"Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

"Yeah, so?"

"That's against the rules, isn't it?"

"Screw the rules, I have money!"

"Predictable," said Yami.

"Now, draw your last pathetic card, Yugi, so I can finish you!" said Kaiba.

"My grandma's deck _has_ no pathetic cards, Kaiba! Except maybe for Kuriboh… but it also has this!" Yami held up a card. "The unstoppable Exodia!"

"Aah! Exodia!" said Kaiba, in a rather deadpan voice despite her terrified expression. "It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon him! Except wait, haven't we done all this before?"

"I don't think so," said Yami. "I would remember someone like you."

"Then again, it was probably some dream I had," said Kaiba. "Because I remembered you being a guy."

"Anyway," said Yami, "Exodia, obliterate!" With that, all three Blue-Eyes White Dragons disappeared.

Suddenly, a seemingly-random kid named Mokuno Kaiba ran up to the arena.

"Big sister, is it time for my cameo yet?" asked Mokuno. Obvious Chekhov's Gunman is obvious.

"How… how could you summon Exodia?" asked Kaiba.

"Kaiba, if you really wish to know, then _talk to the hand!_ " said Yami.

Kaiba screamed as she was mind-crushed.

Elsewhere, Grandma Moto woke up. "I wet myself," she complained.

Even more elsewhere, a security guard in a castle walked up to his boss. "Ms. Pegasus, ma'am, it seems the reigning Duel Monsters champion has been defeated by someone named Yugi. Also, it's time for your sponge bath."

"Mmm…" said Pegasus. "Next chapter had better be actually decent."


	2. Video Killed the Card Game Expert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In today's chapter, Trista will be singing songs from terrible children's TV shows! ...Is that any better than children's card games, though...?

Bakura, another as-of-yet unmentioned character that's supposed to have already existed, made conversation with our main characters during school.

"I say, Yugi, can I play too?" she asked.

"Sorry, Bakura, main characters only," said Yugi.

"Playin' card games sure beats doin' schoolwork," said Jo. "Arithmetic is for losers!" A pair of minor characters, a dark-haired girl (somehow in a boys' uniform…) and a girl with white and red hair (who had the good luck to avoid being a main character) glared at her.

Ted played a card in defense mode in the duel they were apparently having. Minimalistic writing sure is convenient!

"Now I just gotta subtract your defense points from my attack points and… and, uh… wait a minute, how do I do that?" asked Jo.

"It's official," said Ted. "You're an idiot."

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…" sang Trista. Don't ask me why. I'm just telling the story.

Outside of the school building, Jo said, "Trista's song taught me a valuable lesson. I need to learn how to be a better duelist." How she got that from a lame song, I don't know, but she had a point. "Ya gotta help me out here, Yug!"

"Let me see your deck," said Yugi. Jo handed her her deck. Yugi looked at the cards. _Oh man, her deck is even more powerful than mine! Woah, Dark Magician! I just gotta have that!_ Out loud, she said, "Jeez, Jo, your cards are worthless! Tell you what, why don't I get rid of these, and we'll go visit Grandma and set you up with a new super special awesome deck?" Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.

"Thanks, Yug, you're always lookin' out for me!" said Jo.

Time skip to the game shop after school.

In the game shop, Grandma Moto was putting up a poster. "Oh Black Luster Soldier, no one must know of our forbidden love…" Yeeaahh, I'm just gonna leave out these sequences. Because no. Just no.

Jo entered the game shop with Yugi. "Hey, Yugi's grandma!" said Jo. "How about trainin' me to become the Duel Monsters champ over here?"

"Very well," said Grandma Moto, "but it will require hours of rigorous off-page practice."

"Really?" asked Jo. "I don't even get a trainin' montage?"

"No," said Grandma Moto. "Because the author doesn't know how to write those."

Another time skip.

On the TV, Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor were preparing to duel.

"Welcome to the Regional Championship, where the comic relief villains are having a meaningless duel," said the announcer. "I can't believe we're actually airing this on TV, folks!"

"Man, I _love_ the Card Game Channel," said Jo sarcastically.

"It's almost as good as the Watching Paint Dry Channel," said Yugi.

"There's a package here for you, Yugi," said Grandma Moto. "You'd better not have been using my credit card to buy Duel Monsters merchandise off eBay again!"

Yugi took the package. She read the label. "It's from Industrial Illusions," she said. "I guess they heard about my victory over Kaiba."

"Yeah, those card games are big news," said Jo. "It completely overshadowed the fact that she kidnapped and hospitalized your grandma!"

Meanwhile, on the TV, Rex chuckled, having summoned a dragon with horns. "Hey Weevil," she said, "check it out. My dinosaur's horny." She chuckled again. "Get it?"

"Yeah," said Weevil, chuckling obnoxiously.

"It's like, your move, or something?" said Rex.

Weevil chuckled obnoxiously again. "Bugs are cool," she said, chuckling again. Whoo boy. Man, I _sure_ am going to have fun with writing " _chuckled_ " over and over with these two. 

Anyway, Weevil played Basic Insect.

"These girls sound awfully familiar," said Yugi.

"So, like, I'll attack or something?" said Rex.

"You, like, activated my trap card, buttmunch!" said Weevil.

"No way," said Rex.

"Fire! Fire!" said Weevil.

Basic Insect destroyed Two-Headed King Rex. That somehow made Weevil the winner of the duel. Don't ask me why, it made about as much sense in the manga.

"This sucks!" said Rex. "Like, this is a bug hunt, man. Game over, man, game over!" This is, in fact, actual Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! dialogue.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the announcer, "let's hear it for Millicent Pegasus!"

Pegasus entered the arena with a trophy.

"Congratulations, Ms. Underwood," said Pegasus. "Here's your trophy. Now, allow me to render your victory utterly pointless by announcing a far more interesting contest with a much grander title up for grabs."

Taking the trophy, Weevil said to herself, "Whoa, heh, this chick is hot!" She chuckled.

Back in Yugi's room, she opened the package.

"Hey, there was a video inside the package!" she said. She put the tape in the VHS. It was the 90s, as you can tell.

"I just hope it's not one of those cursed video tapes that are all the rage these days…" said Grandma Muto.

The screen lit up, revealing Pegasus' face.

"Seven days…" she said.

"Oh, snap, I knew it!" said Grandma Muto.

"That's right, Yugi-girl!" said Pegasus. "There are only seven days 'til Duelist Kingdom! And in order to get you to enter I'm going to force you to play a Shadow Game!" Suddenly, Yugi's friends were frozen in place. "Win in 15 minutes and I'll release your friends."

"That's fine by me, Pegasus!" said Yami, who had taken over. "I'll beat you with the cards I took from… I mean, the cards that Jo gave me!" With that, she prepared to play a card.

"You won't beat anyone with that Dragon Card," said Pegasus.

"You can see into my mind?" asked Yami.

"Yes, Pharaoh-girl!" said Pegasus. "And I can see that you and I have a great deal in common!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Yami.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Pegasus.

"Look, pal, just because I inhabit the body of a teenage girl doesn't mean I'm a – "

"Oh, come now, Pharaoh-girl, don't be so gauche!" said Pegasus. "I was referring to our Millennium Items."

"Oh… right, I knew that!" Ladies and gentlemen, this is _not_ how you subtly create allusions to a character's sexuality!

The timer was counting down.

"What would you say if I told you I didn't actually create Duel Monsters, and that it's actually based on mystical duels held by powerful pharaohs many thousands of years ago?" asked Pegasus.

"What are you talking about, Pegasus?" asked Yami.

"These pharaohs battled with _real_ monsters and _real_ magic, so as you can imagine, it was a great deal more exciting than the watered-down product I created," explained Pegasus.

"Wait a minute," said Yami, "you're just using this monologue to stall for time!"

With that, the timer reached zero.

"Well it worked, didn’t it?" asked Pegasus.

"You're a cheat!" said Yami.

"No, my strategy was merely – "

"Hey, everybody!" said Yami. "Pegasus is a big stinky cheater!"

"Oh, so that's the way it's going to be, is it?" asked Pegasus. "Fine then. Let's see how your grandma manages… without her _soul!_ " With that, Grandma Muto's soul was sucked into the TV. She giggled.

Pegasus faded from the TV, and Grandma Muto faded in, hands pressed against the screen. "Yugi…" she said.

Yugi took back over in time to say, "You bastard! You turned her into a mime!" Oh, trust me. It's gonna get worse.

Grandma Muto's body collapsed.

"Hey Yug, down in front, will ya?" asked Jo.

"Yeah, we were watching that!" said Trista.


	3. 'Cause This is Filler!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yami isn't in this chapter. I've also had her agent bound and gagged, so no one can tell her where they've seen him.

Yugi was on top of the school building, brooding. Who does she think she is, Batman? Anyway, she thought to herself, _Well, Grandma's a drooling vegetable. And now, thanks to Pegasus, she's lost her soul, too. I've just gotta save her. But first, I should probably figure out how to get down from here. This is what I get for thinking I'm Batman._

Meanwhile, in Jo's room, Jo had received a tape.

"Hey, it's another video!" she said. "I wonder if Pegasus wants my soul too?" No, but you'll lose your soul to – oops, spoiler! Anyway, she put the tape in the VHS (again, 90s). The screen blared to life, revealing a young boy with red shoulder-length hair and hazel eyes.

"What's up, big sister?" asked the boy.

"It's my brother who has an accent nothin' like mine!" said Jo. Probably because 4Kids thought it fitting to give the short-tempered one a Brooklyn accent and not their polite sibling, despite the fact that they should have similar accents! Stupid 4Kids and their stereotyping of New Yorkers… back to the story.

"The doctors have been so busy trying to figure out why my accent is nothing like yours, they've neglected to treat my eyesight. So I'm going blind. Well, see ya later! ...Or not…"

"I've gotta save my brother's eyesight!" said Jo. "Even if I haveta start Satanic rituals! Also known as children's card games!"

The next day, our main characters gathered at Yugi's desk.

"I've decided to accept Pegasus' invitation and travel to her private island where I'll be completely at her mercy," said Yugi foolishly. "It's a shame rich megalomaniacs are immune from the law, otherwise we could just call the police!"

"Cash sure does do terrible things to people," Jo agreed. "It's like the old saying goes: Money is the root of all – "

"Hey look!" said Trista, rudely interrupting Jo. "This tournament has a prize of three million dollars!"

"Cha-ching!" said Jo. "Duelist Kingdom, here I come!" Like I said, she loses her soul. It also – oops, another spoiler!

Outside the school building…

"Hey Jo, remember the time we became friends?" asked Yugi.

"Yeah," said Jo. Flashback time!

_"Give me back my Millennium Puzzle you big dickweeds!" yelled Yugi. "Waaaah!"_

_"We're tormenting you!" said Jo and Trista._ Back to the present.

"Actually, Jo, I was talking about the part after that."

"Oh…" said Jo. "Oh yeah, now I remember!" Another flashback.

_"I mean it guys," said Yugi. "Give it back!"_

_"We're still tormenting you!" said Jo and Trista._ End flashback.

"Man, good times!" said Jo.

"No Jo," said Yugi, getting frustrated. "I mean the time when I saved you from that bully!"

"Huh…" said Jo. "No… no, I don't remember that."

"But I was all heroic and stuff!" said Yugi.

"Hey, remember the time me and Trista took your Millennium Puzzle?" Flashback the third.

_"Waaaahahahaaah!" cried out Yugi._

_"Torment!" said Jo and Trista._ End flashback.

"Remind me why we're friends again?" said Yugi.

"'Cause if we weren't we wouldn't have a plot!" said Jo.

That night, at the boat to Duelist Kingdom…

"Attention duelists!" said a security guard, whom I shall call Kemo. "My hair is telling you that it's time for you to board! Anyone caught without a crazy hairstyle will not be permitted to enter the Duelist Kingdom!"

Jo was restrained by nameless security guards. "Hey!" she protested. "But my hair's all blond and poofy!"

"Sorry ma'am," said the guard, "but it needs to be at least twice the size of your head for it to count."

"She's with me," said Yugi.

"Wow," said one of the guards. "Your hair's crazy enough for two people! Okay, she can go."

"Thanks Yug," said Jo. "Man, your hair really is crazy. What the heck's your secret?"

"L'Oréal," said Yugi. "Because I'm worth it." Is that what them young'un anime protagonists use these days? The ones that have an actual distinct character design and personality?

"Come on, Trista," said Ted. "Let's sneak on board like Solid Snake!"

"Don't our parents even care that we're missing?" asked Trista. An astute question, yet one rarely answered by most anime.

Meanwhile, near one of the ship's railings, a blond person approached Yugi and Jo.

"Check it out, Yug," said Jo. "Another gender-bent character!"

"The name's Michael Valentine," said the blond man. "There was a pun here, but it doesn't work with my new name."

"Why are you dressed the same as you did in the original, anyway?" asked Jo. I have to admit, a guy in a corset and miniskirt _is_ an unusual sight.

"I didn't want to ape Yugi's look," said Michael.

"Good point," said Jo.

"Anyway," continued Michael, "I'll crush you when we get to the island."

Meanwhile, with Trista and Ted…

"What's wrong, Ted?" asked Trista.

"I need to use the bathroom, but agirlinsearchof won't let me say it."

"In another few hours, the sun will rise!" said Trista. This is, in fact, actual 4Kids dialogue.

"What the *BLEEP* does that mean?!" asked Ted. He then turned his head. "Hey," he said, when he saw a girl with long, white hair. "Isn't that Bakura?"

"Bakura?" asked Trista. "The supposed main character from our school?"

"What's she doing here?" asked Ted.

"Who cares?" said Trista. "She barely qualifies as a sidekick!"

Meanwhile, in Rex's room on the boat…

"Woah!" said Rex. "What's up?"

"Tell you what, Rex, if I win this duel, I get to use your room," said Michael. "But if you win, then I'll give you a kiss"

"Cool," said Rex. "Then I, like, won't be a virgin anymore." Oh, man… does she even… never mind.

Meanwhile, on the deck…

"Hey Yugi, like, give me your cards or something," Weevil said, chuckling obnoxiously the whole time.

"Well," said Yugi, "you're clearly evil, so no. I don't trust you."

"Give me your cards, dumbass," said Weevil, reaching for Yugi's pocket as Yugi leapt backwards away.

"What's the commotion?" asked Jo.

"Hey Jo, you're tall, hold my deck for me and keep it away from Weevil while I get a security guard to disqualify her!" said Yugi.

"All right, Yug!" said Jo as Yugi handed her deck to her. As Yugi ran off, Weevil jumped up and down ineffectually in a vain attempt to grab Yugi's deck.

"Hey, what's your deal, Weevil?" asked Jo, effortlessly holding the deck above her head.

"I was… you know what, never mind! Motives are for losers!" She chuckled obnoxiously again.

Two girls, one with short dark hair, and a t-shirt and jeans and the other with white and red hair, an off-the-shoulder top and skinny jeans, stared at the situation.

"Man, Dawn," said the dark-haired girl. "The one time playing keepaway is actually funny!"

"And it's a fanfiction!" said Dawn. "The worst kind of fiction there is!"

The two chortled.

"Say, Selena, why does your voice suddenly sound deeper?" asked Dawn.

"4Kids tried to turn me into a dude," explained Selena. "They also tried to name me Daren. But hey. I don't have it as bad as that Haruka Tenoh chick. Sometimes she had to pretend to be a man, and sometimes she had to pretend her girlfriend was her cousin! That's gotta be hard to keep straight!"

"I'm back!" said Yugi, with a security guard. The guard grabbed Weevil by the collar and dragged her away.

"You're probably never gonna draw those cards again," said Jo.

"What makes you think that?" asked Yugi.

"Agirlinsearchof doesn't know how to work 'em in!" said Jo.

"Good point," said Yugi.

Weevil chuckled obnoxiously, saying, "I'll be back!"

Meanwhile, back in the hall outside Rex's room…

"Get out, loser!" said Michael.

"Uh…" said Rex. "Did I just score?" I am currently facepalming. Someone give this girl the talk!

Meanwhile, on deck…

"Sorry Weevil almost took your deck, Yugi," said Ted.

"If it's any consolation," said Trista, "the sun will be up in a few hours!"

"Man, I can't believe Weevil was such an asshole!" said Jo. "Compared to this, my sis – I mean, brother's imminent blindness seems like a minor inconvenience!"

"Your brother?" asked Yugi. "How come you never mentioned that subplot before?" 

"My parents got divorced a long time ago, because I tried teaching him how to drive."

_"Jo, stop this crazy thing!" said Shizu._

_"Apply the handbrake, ya dumb moron!" said Jo._

"Say, how come you almost called your brother your sister?" asked Ted.

"It's all these different versions of this story," said Jo. "There's Yu-Gi-Oh! the manga, Yu-Gi-Oh! the anime, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi!, and now Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! The Abridged Series! It's hard to keep 'em straight these days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gag about Jo misspeaking and calling Shizu her sister is a bit of a gag I threw in. When I was typing both this and Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi, I would occasionally mistype either characters' names as their canon ones, or accidentally type the wrong pronoun. So I figured this type of gag would work in a Rule 63 fic with such a flimsy fourth wall.
> 
> And the gag about 4Kids turning Selena into a dude parodies how a lot of anime back in the 90s and earlier would censor characters' genders, usually if the character was a crossdresser or had a romantic relationship (implied or otherwise) with same-sex characters.
> 
> And for the naming? Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged uses dub names, so I figured it'd be funny to give my OCs "dub names". Hikari's name here is Dawn, as a Pokémon reference (the female protagonist of Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum has the name Hikari in Japan, but was named Dawn in the English version). Tsukiko's name here is Selena, as a Sailor Moon reference, because I noticed that "Tsukiko" is one letter away from "Tsukino," the last name of its protagonist. So, to keep the "one letter away" theme, I named her Selena (one letter away from Serena), and had "4Kids' failed dub name" as Daren, a reference to Mamoru's dub name, Darien.


	4. Lord of the Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heh-heh, I said "Man-Eater" Bug!

On the boat…

"Wow," said Jo, "an entire island all to ourselves! It's kind of like that book, Lord of the Flies. Only with a lot less subtext and a lost more card games!"

Turning to Ted, Trista asked, "Wasn't that the movie with the evil ring and the hobbits?"

"Why would any of those things be on this island, you idiot?" asked Ted.

Trista had a point, surprisingly. Bak – I mean, someone, will show up later with an evil ring, and Yugi, Yami, and to a lesser extent Ted could be considered hobbits.

_Hey,_ Yugi said, disapprovingly. _Don't you comment on my height!_

Dragons also show up later… oops, spoiler. Wait, hold it. Why am I trying to avoid spoiling a series that's old enough to drink?

Anyway, the boat finally arrived on the island, and our main characters (and Bakura, not that we see her) leave.

_I sure hope no one notices we're trespassing,_ thought Trista. Things couldn't possibly go wrong… right?

Things did, in fact, go wrong.

"Hey, you!" said a nameless guard.

_The irony!_ thought Trista.

"Quit drawing attention to yourself," said the guard. "You barely qualify as a sidekick."

"Attention duelists!" said Kemo. "If you can all stop staring at my hair for a moment, you'll see that Pegasus' castle is just behind me. Please follow the unnecessarily long staircase to meet your host."

"My ghost senses are tingling!" said Ted, having turned his head to his left.

"What is it, Ted?" asked Yugi.

"I thought I saw Bakura again!" said Ted.

"Maybe we should go check," said Jo. "She is our friend, after all."

"And let her cut into my precious screentime? No way! Besides, it's not like she's a main character or anything!" said Yugi. Boy howdy, are you going to – no, no, shouldn't spoil it.

Meanwhile, on top of the castle…

"Hey," said Dawn, "check out all the obligatory name-drops. Rex Raptor, Weevil Underwood, Mako Tsunami…"

"But where's the reigning champion, Setomi Kaiba?" asked Selena.

"Didn't you hear?" asked Dawn. "She was barred from the tournament because her name wasn't stupid enough."

"Welcome to the Duelist Kingdom," said Pegasus, silencing the crowd. "Let me assure you that this tournament is 100 percent genuine and is not in any way an elaborate ruse thrown together at the last minute so that I can get my hands on an ancient Egyptian artifact. To advance to the finals, and the chance at three million dollars, you must each win ten star chips by betting them on card games. Remember kids, gambling is good for you! And may the odds be ever in your favor!"

Later, in an open field…

"I can't wait to win the prize money!" said Jo.

"So you can pay for the operation, right?" asked Yugi.

"Well, no shit, Sherlock!" said Jo. "Didn't I mention that last chapter? It's bad writing to constantly bring the same things back up!"

"Hey, it's Weevil!" said Ted, opening up a Plot Hole, specifically of the teleportation variety. I think this leads to Domino City. It might be important later on.

"Weevil!" said Yugi. "How did you – you know what, never mind, I challenge you to a – "

"Wait a minute, she's running away!" said Jo.

"It's almost as if she doesn't want to play a card game with me," said Yugi. I know. Crazy. Some kids from the 90s _weren't_ into whatever fad was hyped up at the time. Who woulda thunk it.

"Actually, dumbass, I was just leading you into this vague trap or something," said Weevil, chuckling obnoxiously. Damn it, Weevil, why must you ruin my points?

_Because this fic is dumb!_ said Weevil.

Shut up, Weevil, I have a story to tell.

_Whatever, buttmunch,_ said Weevil.

Anyway, Yugi said, "Super special awesome ultra special sexy transformation sequence!" Once again. Really long descriptor.

"I'm back, baby!" said Yami. (Guess who's back? Back again? Yami's back! Tell a friend!)

"Two can play at that game, dillhole," said Weevil. Whatever a dillhole is.

"Sweet mother of Osiris, she's transforming too!" said Yami. "But who, or what is she becoming?" Goddammit, Yami. Are you even _trying_ to hide the spoiler about your identity? I thought we agreed that we wouldn't spoil anything.

_Shut up, agirlinsearchof,_ said Yami.

Anyway, Weevil said, "I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!" She then chuckled obnoxiously.

"It's time to duel, you strange silly person," said Yami. The two made their way onto the… what the hell do you call them? They were Duel Boxes in the manga, but they are clearly not boxes in the anime. I'll call them Duel Arenas. Man, _this_ sure won't cause any Plot Holes later on!

"Are you threatening me?" asked Weevil. "I summon my Generic Insect."

"Wow, look at all the phallic imagery!" said Ted. That dirty-minded pervert.

Yami played Horn of the Unicorn, equipping it to Feral Imp.

"What are you talking about, Ted?" asked Jo.

"Now quiver in fear as my Knight's mighty lance – " Okay, gonna cut that off right there. Because ew.

"Huh. I guess you're right," said Jo. "Although, it would make more sense if they were guys. And if the narrator had _let Yami finish her line!_ "

Shut up, Jo.

_'Ey! I ain't the one who cut off an innuendo like a prudish coward!_

More often than not, a lance is just a lance. Now shut. Up.

_Even LittleKuriboh ain't that rude!_

"Hey look!" said Trista. "A minor character has arrived!" Thank God. I can continue my story.

"You guys are wasting your time," said Michael. "Yugi doesn't stand a chance! She's not nearly experienced enough."

"Compared to friendship and compassion, experience is meaningless," said Ted.

"Keep telling yourself that, hun," said Michael. "What are you, a virgin?"

"Bastard, I'll scratch your eyes out!" said Ted. Yeesh, what a jerk. Insecure, much?

_Hey!_ said Ted. _Quit calling everyone on their flaws!_

That's kinda the point here, Ted.

"Could you guys stop talking about sex?" asked Jo. "We're trying to watch the duel here." _Finally_ someone with common sense.

"I activate Deus Ex Machina, burning down the forest!" said Yami.

"Hey, no fair, you can't use spell cards during my turn!" said Weevil, chuckling obnoxiously.

"Tell it to the author," said Yami. "Summoned Skull!" she continued. "Destroy her cheap Xenomorph imitation! And remember kids. Only _you_ can prevent forest fires!"

"Yay!" said Trista and Jo. "We were totally ineffectual!"

"I lost, heh-heh, and stuff," said Weevil. She chuckled again.

"Maybe next time, you think twice before forcing someone to part with their valuables," said Yami. Wait, what valuables? Star chips? But it's not Weevil's fault you… augh. "Now hand over your star chips!"

"Damnit!" said Weevil. Chuckling, she said, "This card game sucks."


	5. Stupid Winged Aerobics Instructors!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I've heard of "Yugios." No, they aren't "Yugi-licious." Stop asking!

"Even though I'm the clear underdog in this tournament," said Jo, "the fact that I'm a main character pretty much assures me a place in the finals!"

"Yes," said Ted, "but the fact that you're a comic relief character means that you can't possibly win!"

Pratfalling in a way that would be comical if _we could actually see it,_ Jo said, "Nyeheheh…"

"She's just overly excited because this is the first episode that actually revolves around her character," said Yugi. Damn. That's cold.

"I can't wait until I get my own episode!" said Trista.

Invisible crickets that are never mentioned again chirped. Funny how they conveniently show up when things get awkward.

"It's never gonna happen, is it?" asked Trista.

"Do the words 'robot monkey' mean anything to you?" asked Ted. You're on _thin *BLEEPING* ice_ , Ted! Get any more specific, and I will have to put you out of commission for a while!

"It's at times like this when I miss hanging out with my brother," said Jo. I activate a spell card, Flashback!\

_"Have fun being completely unsupervised, kids," said Jo's mom, an abusive alcoholic. I genderflipped Jo's dad for no reason!_

_"Where are we, Jo?" asked Shizu. "Where are you taking me, big sister?"_

_"Well, since it's your fault our parents got divorced, I figured I'd dump you in the middle of nowhere and leave ya," Jo said, jokingly."You're so funny, big sister," said Shizu._

_"Yeah, I know," said Jo. Somebody get these two therapy!_

_At the beach…_

_"Okay, sis, this is your new home," said Jo. "The only problem is it doesn't have a bathroom, but I figured you can always use the ocean."_

_"But what will I do about food?" asked Shizu._

_"Well, there's always jellyfish," Jo said, again, jokingly._

_"But I hate jellyfish!" said Shizu, laughing._

_"Shut up and eat your jellyfish!" said Jo, also laughing._ End flashback.

_I promise ya, bro,_ thought Jo. _I promise that I'll win this tournament and get the prize money. Then you'll be able to afford eye surgery, and you'll get to be –_ whoa, slow down, bucko. Don't spoil the future plot!

Meanwhile, a distant yet somehow perfectly audible voice said, "You lost, crybaby, now give me your star chips!"

"Since there's only one other male main character on the island, that has to be Michael," said Ted.

"Ain't it a little unfair for a grown man to go around challenging children at card games?" asked Jo.

"I challenge you to a duel," said Michael.

"Weird," said Jo. "I remember that line going slightly differently."

"Don't draw attention to it!" snapped Michael.

The duel began. "Samurai Warrior Guy!" said Jo. "Attack her Winged Aerobics Instructor!"

"Wait, Jo!" exclaimed Yugi. "In this episode, flying monsters have an advantage over land-based monsters for no adequately-explored reason!"

Michael summoned a monster.

"How did ya summon that monster without even looking at ya card?" asked Jo.

"I have ESP!" said Michael.

"Whoa!" said Jo. "Ain't ya supposed to be a man in this one?"

"ESP, not PMS!" said Michael.

"Oh, so you're psychic," said Jo.

"Bingo," said Michael. "And it's not a trick, so don't even bother trying to figure it out."

"Wait a minute," said Jo, "you just sprayed all your cards with perfume!"

"No way!" said Michael. "How could an amateur punk like you see through my improbable aroma strategy?"

"It sure is lucky agirlinsearchof didn't try to change that plot point like in Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi," said Jo. "Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to notice something like that."

"Jo needs help, Yugi!" said Ted. "Transform into your sexy alter ego!"

"Ta-dada-da-dadaa!" said Yugi. "Puberty power!" Yami took over.

"Don't let his crossdressing distract you, Jo!" said Yami. "You can defeat him. His cards share one very distinct weakness."

"What's that?" asked Jo.

"None of them were genderflipped for this fic." Indeed, I left them all female. Mostly because they didn't have – wait, wait, another spoiler.

"That's right!" said Jo. "With the power of Rule 63 and canon compliance, I can win this duel! Time Roulette Go!" The Time Wizard did its thing and aged up Jo's Baby Dragon, along with the Harpy Ladies. "Thousand Dragon! Destroy all three of her Harpies at once!"

"Doesn't anyone in this tournament know the rules to this game?" asked Trista. Another astute question that anime rarely answer. These are going to become rare in the future, at least from Trista.

"How… could I lose… to such an amateur?" asked Michael.

"That's just what you get for wearin' a corset and skirt insteada proper plot armor," said Jo.

"Well done, Jo," said Yami. "You won your first real duel. Just remember that you're nothing without me. Nothing!"

"Hooray for Rule 63!" said Jo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5 was one reason I wanted to rewrite Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged. Too much sexist humor.
> 
> I also added a deleted scene! LittleKuriboh posted a couple of videos featuring deleted scenes, so I decided to include them in the fic. I altered this one, however. In the original, Serenity said she was allergic to jellyfish, and neither of them sounded like they were joking about anything. So I altered the scene so I could include it, without feeling like the scene was too questionable.


	6. Everybody Loves/Hates Mako

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yami hasn't smoked marijuana. Don't believe it if Yami says otherwise.

"Man, I am so hungry," said Jo.

"You'd think that Pegasus would at least provide us with free food," said Yugi. "I mean, what kind of tournament is she trying to run?" A tournament where it's literally win or die, that's what.

"It's almost as if she wants us to starve to death," said Ted.

"Or maybe she's trying to recreate the Hunger Games!" said Jo. Well, I mean, you aren't wrong…

Meanwhile, in Pegasus' castle…

"Gorgonzola cheese and the world's finest wine," said Pegasus.

"Um, ma'am?" asked Croquet. "Another contestant dropped dead of hunger. Should we maybe, uh… I don't know, feed them or something?"

"Oh, yes!" said Pegasus. "Let them eat cake. I've always wanted to make that reference."

"Ah… ma'am…" said Croquet. "We don't have any cake. We just have those crates of Gorgonzola cheese…"

"Gorgonzola cheese and the world's finest wine," corrected Pegasus.

"Yes, that," conceded Croquet.

"Well, give them that, then," said Pegasus.

"Ah, but… ah, Ms. Pegasus, you already ate all of the Gorgonzola cheese – "

"Gorgonzola cheese and the world's finest wiiiiiii…."

Meanwhile, on the island…

"You guys are eating my fish!" said Mako Tsunami, some chick I'm sure we won't see again.

"We thought they were wild fish!" said Trista.

"They were on land!" said Mako.

"We thought they had evolved!" said Trista.

"They were being roasted on a fire!" said Mako.

"We thought they were witches!" said Trista. Okay, so wild, evolved witch-fish. Where do I sign up?

Ted giggled. "You have an octopus on your head," he said.

"Oh, that is my friend," said Mako. "Otto, the otaku octopus."

"Kon'nichiwa!" said Otto.

"Ew, it's slightly more repulsive than regular octopi," said Ted.

"Go away, Otto, I am trying to meet new people!" said Mako, throwing Otto into the ocean. Where do I report fictional animal cruelty?

"No!" said Trista and Jo.

"We were gonna eat that octopus!" said Jo.

"You're demented!" said Trista.

"I'm a duelist!" said Mako.

"Same thing," said Yugi.

"Hey, you're Yugi Muto! The girl who beat Setomi Kaiba!" said Mako.

"What, like it's hard?" asked Yugi. "But go on."

"In that case, I would like to eat with you and your friends, in a show of respect," said Maki.

"Gee, thanks, Mako!" said Yugi.

"You're demented!" said Trista. Apparently she's a vegan.

And so our main characters decided to eat fish with the one-shot character. I don't recall most of the conversation, so I'll skip to the interesting parts.

"And so then the people from Naruko Abridged asked me to be in their fic," said Mako. "So I said yes."

"Wow, really?" asked Yugi. "I have also been in their totally-not-made-up fic. What a coincidence!"

"Yup," said Mako. "Somebody should write that fic, so agirlinsearchof doesn't look a fool for making up a much better idea for a fic than the actual fic she's writing." 

"It sure was nice of you to share your fish with us, Mako," said Yugi.

Mako, laughed. "Don't worry, my friends, there's plenty more where that came from!"

"We should probably get going," said Yugi as she and her friends got up.

"Leaving so soon, are you?" asked Mako.

"What a swell person!" said Trista.

"I like that she wears a seashell bra," said Ted. Where _do_ these fictional sea-themed female characters get bras, anyway? Ariel's Secret? Anyway, as our main characters walked off, Mako threw a harpoon at Yugi, who, naturally, yelled. Who wouldn't?

"Holy *BLEEP* on a *BLEEP* sandwich!" said Trista.

"Did – did you just throw a harpoon at me?" asked Yugi.

"I – I didn't want you to leave… and I wasn’t sure how else to get your attention," said Mako.

"Just ask!" said Yugi. "Just say, 'Hey Yugi, could you stay a little longer?' Don't lob a freaking harpoon at me! Seriously, that's like the rudest thing ever!"

"Hey Yugi!" said Mako. "Could you stay a little longer? Maybe – "

"Well, it isn't going to work _now,_ not after you almost skewered me," said Yugi.

"I'm not entirely sure what to say," admitted Mako.

"Maybe it'd be best if we just left," said Yugi.

"No hard feelings about the harpoon incident, right?" asked Mako.

"Get bent, ya freaky fish lady!" said Jo.

"I am _not_ a freaky fish lady!" said Mako.

"Mako's a freaky fish lady!" said Jo and Trista, in a sing-song manner.

"At least the ocean will never leave me," said Mako. "Right, ocean?"

The ocean was silent. As it should be.

"Why don't you ever answer me, ocean?" asked Mako.

Meanwhile, in Pegasus' castle…

Mokuno tied a rope of sheets to something (don't ask me what) and began climbing down the tower. The sheet-rope came untied, predictably. She (or perhaps I) probably should have thought this through. She fell down a conveniently-placed tree, complaining the whole way. When she finally landed on solid ground, she said, "Man, I sure am glad I'm in a fanfic!"

Meanwhile, in the wood...

"That Mako chick was a *BLEEP*ing psycho!" said Yugi.

"It's enough to make you appreciate that Pegasus lady!" said Jo.

Our main characters spotted Kemo holding a nameless kid. "Attention duelists!" he said. "My hair is assaulting you!"

"I'm actually going to do something for once!" said Trista. "My voice gives me super strength!"

Kemo fought back with a flying kick. "Yes, but my hair gives me the power to defy gravity."

"Oh, the humanity!" said Trista after being knocked down.

"I somehow found out that this kid doesn't have any star chips, so I'm going to throw him off the island," said Kemo.

"Cool, let's go watch!" said Trista.

Kemo promptly shoved the kid into a boat with a "Get in there, you little runt."

Weevil the freaky bug chick was also on the boat. "Hey," she said, chuckling obnoxiously. "Don't rock the boat, buttmunch."

"But I didn't lose my star chips, they were stolen from me!" said the kid. "I swear it on the life of my pink shirt!"

"Don't worry, we'll get your star chips!" said Yugi.

"You'll bring them back to me?" the kid asked.

"I never said that!" said Yugi. "You weren't even major enough to be genderflipped!"

"Jackass…" muttered Selena. Yeah. She and Dawn both got eliminated.

Mokuno burst out of some conveniently-placed bushes. There sure is a lot of conveniently-placed wildlife in this chapter.

"Thanks to this awesome disguise, you'll never be able to figure out my identity!" said Mokuno.

"Hey, it's Kaiba's little sister who looks nothing like her!" said Jo.

"You'll pay for what you did to my big sister, Yugi!" said Mokuno. Flashback!

_"Setomi, what's wrong?" asked Mokuno._

_"agirlinsearchof wrote my character out of the fic, Mokuno," said Kaiba._

_"No way!" said Mokuno. "But you're Yugi's archrival!"_

_"And I haven't been in a single chapter since she defeated me," said Kaiba. "Since she's the star, she thinks she can hog all the page time to herself. I mean, just look at Bakura."_

_"Who the hell is Bakura?" asked Mokuno._

_"Precisely," said Kaiba. "Now, I'm going to hide in some undisclosed location." Walking out the door, she said, "You stay here and guard my multi-million dollar company while I'm gone. 'Kay, thanks."_

_"But Setomi," protested Mokuno, "what if an evil group tries to take over while you're missing?"_

_"Oh, come on, Mokuno, what are the odds of that happening?" asked Kaiba. It's more likely than you think._

_"So let me get this straight," said Pegasus. "Now that Kaiba-girl has gone missing, your evil group wishes to seize control of her company?"_

_"That is correct!" said the Big Five all at once._

_"I *BLEEP*ing knew it!" said Mokuno._ End flashback.

"For the love of Isis, are we going to duel, or are we going to stand around having flashbacks?" asked Yami.

"Thanks to you, Pegasus abducted me!" said Mokuno. "And my sister's company is about to be taken over by corporate suits!"

"…all because I beat her in a card game," said Yami, disbelievingly.

"That's right!" said Mokuno.

"You're some kind of moron, you know that?" said Yami.

"A moron who's got all your star chips!" said Mokuno.

"Damn, that kid moves fast!" said Yami. Who is this kid? Wally West? Is she going to become the Flash?

"Stealing makes everything better!" said Mokuno.

"Wait, Mokuno, you mustn't do this thing!" said Yami. "Think – what would your broth – I mean, sister say if she saw you now?"

Mokuno thought about it. She imagined her sister saying, "Well done, Mokuno! Now steal something from Jo, too."

"Okay," said Yami, "but what would she say if she wasn't a complete douchebag?" Yeah. The characters can read the fic just like we can.

"You're right, Yugi!" said Mokuno. "I'll return all the star chips. Just as long as you let my sister back in the fic."

"That's fine by me," said Yami. Fine by me, too. I don’t know how I can make this work with a main character missing, 'cause I suck at _wriiiiiting!_ At least with such radically different AUs.

"And maybe you could give Bakura a bigger role, too," said Mokuno.

"Don't push your luck, kid," said Yami. Of course, I will be – hush, me. No giving away spoilers!

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location…

"I've designed these new hologram doohickeys so they'll help me defeat Yugi," said Kaiba. Not sure how they'll help her defeat Yugi, considering that it won't change her dueling ability (either her, really), but I digress. "I'm sure the cold hand of science will be able to overcome her magical powers." I think this would be more helpful for defeating Pegasus, what with the –

_Oh my god, agirlinsearchof,_ said Kaiba. _If you're so insistent on not spoiling the series, how come you always catch yourself too late and leave hints on what you_ totally weren't gonna spoil, _huh?_

It's called the Rule of Funny, Kaiba. I'm not _really_ trying to not spoil the series; I'm just making this funnier.

_Yeah? asked Kaiba. _Well, it_ sure isn't funny!_

_How would _you_ know? You have no sense of humor, you humorless prick!_

__Why do you have it in for me?_ asked Kaiba. _Yeesh, I'm the only one you've directly called names! Also, prick is used for dudes, and you made me a chick in this one, so –__

_Because it's funny to call fictional girls masculine words that mean jerk. Would you rather I called you the B-word?_

__I would rather you not insult me at all,_ said Kaiba. _And you still haven't answered my question.__

_Because… because… shut up!_

_Oh really?_ asked Kaiba. _"Shut up"?_ That's _your logic?_

Whatever! Anyway… 

Pegasus' goons appeared in the undisclosed location. 

"Don't move a muscle or we'll shoot you with our invisible guns!" said Goon 1. 

"I'm too rich to die!" said Kaiba, jumping out the window. Conveniently, I have used my authorial writing powers to keep the goons from shooting. Although, the guns being invisible probably had something to do with it. 

"There's no way she could have survived that fall," said Goon 2. 

"Actually, I seem to be okay," said Kaiba, in a distant yet somehow perfectly audible voice. Man, these fanfic characters are good at projecting their voices.<

"Nope, she's definitely dead," said Goon 2. 

"You guys are idiots," said Kaiba. And with that, I can agree. 

"At least we're not dead! Like you!" said Goon 2. 

"You'd better not be stealing my deck up there!" said Kaiba. 

"She won't be needing this, now that she's deceased," said Goon 2. Oh, the irony. 

Meanwhile, near the boat… 

"We brought the star chips!" said Mokuno. 

"Rejected!" said Kemo, knocking the star chips out of Mokuno's hand. Grabbing her, he said, "I'm glad I took all those child-grabbing classes." 

"Unhand her, you nameless henchman!" said Yami. 

"Meet me at the dueling field in a few hours, and we'll discuss it." "Discuss," of course, meaning threatening Yugi until she complied. 

Meanwhile, in Pegasus' castle… 

"iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine." 

By the power of time lapses! 

Our main characters and Kemo were gathered at a dueling field. "Attention duelists!" said Kemo. "I'm still not going to unhand her!" 

"What a pointless interlude!" said Trista. Astute observation. 

"Wait guys!" said Ted. "That looks like Kaiba!" 

"This time, Yugi, you don't stand a _ghost_ of a chance!" said not-Kaiba. Oh, geez. A cliffhanger. I told you. I suck at writing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason this chapter is longer than usual is because I combined the episode "Everybody Hates Mako" with the 2011 April Fools video "Everybody Loves Mako," which is a different version.


	7. Cliffhanger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ted failed biology class. He was somehow convinced that _he_ was pregnant by several different _women._ Trista _also_ failed biology class, being convinced that she was pregnant... and _Yugi_ was the father.

"Attention, duelists!" said Kemo. "My hair has abducted this small child! If you want me to release her, you must first defeat Setomi Kaiba's ghost in a duel!"

"Are you trying to tell me that Kaiba came back from the dead just to play a card game with me?" asked Yami. Honestly, I'm skeptical too. ~~(And it's totally not because I'm the author, or because I'm stealing from LittleKuriboh. Noo…)~~

"Yes!" said Kemo.

"Either this is a trick, or this fic is even dumber than I thought," said Yami. You said it!

"It's true, Yugi," said not-Kaiba. "I've returned from the dead in order to defeat you. My desire for vengeance was so strong that even hell itself could not hope to contain – "

"OK, time out!" said Yami. "What is this, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children? Does anybody believe for even one second that this freaky cosplay lady is a ghost?"

"I do!" said Trista.

"Anyone besides Trista?" asked Yami.

Silence.

"I do!" said Trista.

"What's your point?" asked not-Kaiba.

"My point is you're not a ghost," said Yami. "No effing way."

"Then explain how I have this!" said not-Kaiba. "The Hitotsu-Me Giant!"

"Oh, you're right," said Yami sarcastically. "That _definitely_ proves it." Geez, Kaiba ripped up the fourth and final copy of Hitotsu-Me Giant in the first episode. What's that? You say any old fool could've gotten their hands on it? I _never_ would have guessed.

"Look, I'm a ghost, okay?" said not-Kaiba. "Quit being such a jerk." Uh-huh. Sure. The real Kaiba _totally_ would have used such a pathetic argument to prove she was a ghost.

"If you're a ghost, then I'm straight," said Yami. Along with everyone else in the fic!

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed forest…

"Now that Pegasus thinks I'm dead," said Kaiba, "I can work on redeeming my character in the eyes of the fans." She then realized something. "How the hell did I get here? Anyway, into the Kaiba Cave!" said Kaiba. Holy 1960s TV show references, Batman.

Ignoring my attempts at picking another fight, Kaiba made his way to a room with a ginormous computer system.

_Wait a second,_ said Kaiba. _You mean I have to spend the entire chapter talking to a machine?_

You asked for pagetime, Kaiba. You never specified _how_ you wanted to spend that pagetime. Oh, you appear to be hitting the same keys over and over again.

_That's because I learned how to hack by watching old episodes of Star Trek,_ said Kaiba.

As opposed to the Hollywood University of Faking Use of Technology?

Anyway, since Kaiba's computer system is _so_ advanced, the interface looked like a really boring video game. Like Doom, but with lame graphics and no enemies. She ran into every user's worst nightmare.

"Ahh!" said Kaiba, deadpan as always. "The blue screen of death. My mortal enemy."

Back in the dueling field…

"You don't stand a ghost of a chance, Yugi, because this time I'm – "

"How many times are you going to use that line?!" asked Yami.

Seriously, they do overuse that line. Just watch the dubbed versions of the episodes.

Anyway…

"Whoooo-oooo," said not-Kaiba, "I'm a ghost, whoo – "

"Oh, stop it!" said Yami. "You're not fooling anyone."

"It's a ghost!"

"Trista doesn't count," said Yami.

"That's not my sister!" said Mokuno. "Everyone says she's a bad person, but it's not true!" Sweet summer child…

"She stole my grandma's favorite card, put her in the hospital, and then left you at the mercy of her enemies!" said Yami. "Face it kid, your sister's a giant prick!"

Meanwhile, in the "Kaiba Cave," as Kaiba has oh-so-creatively called it…

"Even though I'm her archrival, I'm going to use this virus to help Yugi win," said Kaiba. "Finally, being a rich nerd pays off!" Um… _why_ exactly are you doing this?

_So we have a plot,_ said Kaiba. _You said it yourself. You suck at writing drastically-different AUs that might, oh I don't know,_ actually affect the plot.

Hey, only _I_ get to insult my own writing!

_Oh, *BLEEP* off!_ said Kaiba.

Anyway, back at the dueling field…

Not-Kaiba revealed herself as being, well, _not Kaiba._ I know. What a shocking reveal.

"Aha!" said Yami. "See? You're not a ghost at all! You're… a dead clown, apparently."

"Eww!" said Ted. "This is slightly more repulsive than regular clowns!"

"Actually, I'm not a clown, I'm Setomi Kaiba's evil side brought back from the Shadow Realm by Pegasus – "

"That's even less believable than the whole ghost story!" said Yami. "Kaiba's 'evil side' would be most of her! And she would have responded to agirlinsearchof's snarky comments! You don't even know what you are, do you?"

"No…" said the clown.

"Didn't think so," said Yami. "Mind Crush!" When the clown disappeared, Yami asked, "Did I just kill a dead clown?"

"That ghost didn't scare me, even if I did just *BLEEP* my pants," said Trista. Too much information, Trista.

"She didn't stand a _ghost_ of a chance!" said Yami. You know, it's no less terrible a pun if _you_ say it, Yami.

Oh, shut up, said Yami.

"Hey, what happened to Mokuno?" asked Jo.

"Who cares?" asked Yami.


	8. The Plot Thinnens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is "thinnens" even a word? I don't think so.

"It sure is a shame Mokuno got kidnapped again," said Jo. "If we'd been paying the slightest bit of attention, it probably wouldn't have happened."

"Oh, she gets kidnapped like once a week," said Yugi. "I'm sure she's used to it by now."

Meanwhile, in the dungeon, Mokuno felt like she was dying inside.

Back outside, Yugi said, "Come on, let's go play some more card games." Yes. Card games. The solution to everything. Need to rescue your constantly-kidnapped younger sibling? Card games. Need to gather three children's trading cards - sorry, _weapons of mass destruction_ \- so no one else can use them? Card games. Need to confront your parent and your sibling who conveniently died before they could be mentioned to keep them from taking over the world? Card games. Need to destroy some Villain Sues? Card games. Ad nauseum.

"Hey look!" said Jo. "Some idiot dropped their cards!"

"Hands off, those are mine," said Trista.

"Trista!" said Jo. "What the hell happened to your personality?"

"You aren't acting like an idiot," said Yugi.

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Trista.

"Seriously, you're acting completely differently," said Jo.

"Does it hurt to think that much?" asked Yugi.

"You guys, I'm not acting as differently as you think!" said Trista.

"Your dialogue is all wrong," said Ted.

"What happened to the Trista I knew and loved?" asked Jo. "This is unacceptable!"

Well, that sure was random. Man, I hate replacing auditory gags! Anyway, much later…

"It sure feels good to know that my friends are backing me up," said Jo.

"Man, Jo, those duelists look like they're way out of your league," said Trista. "Maybe we should go looking for some three-year-olds." Ouch. Insult to your friend.

"She'd be better off facing a dueling monkey!" said Ted. Once again. Ouch. GX reference.

"You guys are the worst friends ever!" said Jo.

A wild duelist appeared!

"Hello, Josephine," said Michael. "Happy to see me?"

"No!" said Jo. "Not unless ya want to duel me!"

"Say hello to your next opponent!" he said.

"It's Rex Raptor!" said Yugi. "She was a regional finalist!"

"Heh, you said 'region'!" said Rex. Shut up, ya dumb butthead.

"I foolishly accept ya challenge!" said Jo.

"Don't do it, Jo, she'll clearly wipe the floor with you!" said Trista.

"It is explicitly stated that I am punching you!" said Jo. Hey, that's one thing Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! has over the Yu-Gi-Oh! dub.

"Gasp!" said Ted. I _told_ you, Ted, you're supposed to _actually_ gasp, not just say the word!

"Hey, no fair," said Trista. "You can't punch me without me being mentioned in the paragraph!"

"You had it coming!" said Jo. "Ever since you experienced character development, you've been like a totally different person! Well, actually, you’ve been like the same person, just a bit more assertive. But you know what I mean."

"Good luck winning this card game without my help," said Trista.

"Yeah, 'cause _you're_ usually such an important character!" said Jo.

"Just remember our deal, Rex," said Michael. "And watch out for her Time Wizard. That's what she used to defeat my Harpies."

"Quit insulting your monsters," said Rex.

"That's the name of the cards!" said Michael.

"I'm going to go find Trista," said Yugi.

_Whoa, I love it when she abandons me,_ thought Ted. Incidentally, Ted has crap taste in women. Don't be like Ted.

Meanwhile, at a nondescript pond…

"Must. Wash. Away. The sin," said Trista, splashing water on her face.

"Hey Trista," said Yugi. "What's up?"

"Yugi, what are you doing here?" asked Trista. "You should be helping Jo!"

"Jo doesn't need my help," said Yugi. "Don't you get it, Trista? This is Jo's coming-of-age chapter where she proves she's a strong independent woman by winning a children's card game all by herself!"

"Well, we wouldn't have a plot if I just wandered off, so I guess I can forgive her for assaulting me," said Trista.

"And that's what true friendship is all about!" said Yugi. Yeah. Keeping your jerk friends around to preserve the plot because your narrator can't write.

"What?" asked Trista.

"Let's just go back," said Yugi. The two headed back to the dueling field.

"Check it out," said Rex. "My dragon's stoned." Indeed, it was made of stone. What? You thought dragons did drugs during duels? Drivel!

"Well done, Jo!" said Yugi. "You believed in the heart of the cards and it came through for you!"

"Actually, it was more like dumb luck," said Jo.

"Same thing, really," said Yugi.

Time for a time skip. Allons-y!

Our main characters were gathered around a campfire.

"There's something in the bushes!" said Ted.

A pale, mysterious figure walked out from the bushes. She is the breath of ruin, the wings of despair, the fell dragon –

"Hello guys. It's me, Bakura! I've been stalking you for the past five episodes! I hope that doesn't seem too suspicious."

"Do we know you?" asked Yugi.

"She does seem familiar somehow," admitted Trista.

"What's the deal with her spooky behavior?" asked Jo. "It's almost like she's a ghost!"

Bakura walked up to the campfire to join our main characters. Estuans interius, ira vehementi, estuans interius, ira vehementi, Bakura! Bakura! No, don't ask me to pronounce all that. I just copy/pasted off of Google.

"Let's all compare ourselves to our cards in order to set up a plot point for the next chapter," said Yugi.

"I'm the Flame Swordsman!" said Jo.

"I'm the Cyber Commander!" said Trista. But wait, she doesn't play this game…

"I'm the Magician of Faith," said Ted.

"And I'm the Dark Magician," said Yugi. "What about you, Bakura?"

"This is my favorite card," said Bakura, holding up a card labelled "Dark Master – Zorc". And yes, this is a real card. Not joking! They made a card out of the Big Bad. "Oops, wrong one," said Bakura. She put it back and held up a different one. "There we go, the Change of Heart," she said. "If you want to know how it works, we could have a duel right now!" I've got a bad feeling about this…

"That sounds innocent enough!" said Yugi. Dammit. You remember that all these different continuities exist, but not what happens next?!

_What other continuities?_ asked Yugi.

Remember when Jo brought up all these different versions of the story? Yu-Gi-Oh!, Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi? That was five chapters ago!

_I have no idea what you're talking about,_ said Yugi.

"By the way, there's something I'd like you to know," said Bakura. Oh, crap. Bakura started changing shape. Her hair became messier, her eyes becoming sharp and ominous-looking.

"You're a bunch of idiots," said Bakura. No, the _other_ Bakura! Okay, agirlinsearchof. Calm down. You exist on the opposite side of the fourth wall. Nothing could _possibly_ break it.

"This came completely out of nowhere!" said Yugi.

"That's what you get for hogging all of my screen time, you little shit. Now to take the Millennium Puzzle, and steal your role as main character." Yami Bakura, as stupid 4Kids has dubbed the other Bakura, reached for the puzzle. However, it glowed. When it was done, Yami had taken over.

"Get your hands off my Puzzle, you Sephiroth-wannabe," said Yami.

"What say you and I have a card game to decide which one of us deserves to be the main character," said Yami Bakura.

"Okay, but who are you?" asked Yami.

"I'm Bakura!" _Wrong!_

"Never heard of you!" said Yami. It seems the fanbase hardly has, either...


	9. El Juegos de Tarjetas

"Once I gain all seven Millennium Items, I shall use their vaguely-established powers to destroy the world!" said Yami Bakura. "But first, I'm going to beat you in a card game." Because _that's_ what's truly important! Sarcasm!

"Not if I can help it, you freaky ghost lady!" said Yami. "I summon the Cyber Commander, which, by the way, is Trista's favorite card, even though she never actually plays this game." Sure enough, the Cyber Commander showed up… except the Cyber Commander was Trista?

"I'm surprisingly buff!" said Trista. Well, you'd have to be, what with being able to throw a _fully-grown man who is a security guard!_

"By the gods!" said Yami. "That's exactly what I want to look like!" I don't blame ya. Buff girls are so amazing. Holy crap I… anyway, back to the story.

"White Magical Hat!" said Yami Bakura. "Send her Cyber Commander to the graveyard!" Trista disappeared in red light.

"No! Trista! She was the finest mind of her generation!" said Yami. The first and last time you'll ever hear that. "I summon the Flame Swordsman! Jo's favorite monster!" With that, Jo-as-the-Flame-Swordsman appeared on the field.

"Uh-oh," she said. "Have I been crossdressing in my sleep again?" Well, Jo's a sleepwalker! I've also heard unsubstantiated rumors of her being a sleep _talker,_ but that's neither here nor there.

"It seems that Bakura has somehow placed our souls within each of our favorite cards," said Yami. "Either that, or she's turned you all into cosplayers."

"That bastard!" said Jo.

"By the way, Trista's dead," said Yami.

"Oh, not again!" said Jo.

"I also summon the Dark Magician!" said Yami. Wait, you only get one normal summon per turn!

_Big deal,_ said Yami. _I'm the main character._

"I look slightly more ridiculous than usual!" said Yugi. As if _ridiculous_ were an adequate term.

"And now I activate Reborn the Monster! I resurrect Trista's original personality!" said Yami. Actually, it's Monster Reborn.

_Shut up,_ said Yami.

"Hey, what gives?" asked Trista. "I liked my new personality. People were starting to take me seriously!"

"Sorry, Trista, but it's much easier to make fun of you this way," said Yami. Ouch.

"Wait a second," said Jo. "Why are there two Yugis?"

"I'm not sure," said Yugi, "but sometimes when I'm dueling, it's like I can feel a powerful voice inside my head telling me how to win!"

"Does that mean you've been cheating?" asked Trista. Yet another astute question.

"Well, it's more complicated than that…" said Yugi.

"Sounds like cheatin' to me, Yug," said Jo.

"It's not cheating!" protested Yugi. "It's more like we have a spiritual connection that goes far beyond any – "

"Hey! Big Yugi!" said Jo. "Has Little Yugi been cheatin' this whole time?"

Yami nodded.

"Oh, you guys can just go straight to hell," said Yugi. Sorry Yug. Can't do that. We need a plot.

"Now I'll place Ted in face-down position," said Yami. "I've always wanted to say that." Convenient how all your friends' favorite cards were in your opening hand, eh, Yami?

_This is just like something out of a bad fanfic!_ thought Ted. I hate to break it to ya, but you _are_ in a bad fanfic.

And wait, did Yami just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

_Yeah, so?_ asked Yami.

That's against the rules, isn't it?

_Screw the rules, I'm the main character!_ said Yami.

Elsewhere, Kaiba was inexplicably angry…

_If only he'd picked the Dark Magician Boy,_ thought Yugi. _Mmm, Dark Magician Boy…_

"Good luck overcoming my Man-Eater Bug," said Yami Bakura. Heh heh, she said "Man-Eater" Bug!

"One of us has to sacrifice themselves in order to kill that monster!" said Yugi. "I nominate Trista."

"Seconded," said Ted.

"Don't worry, Trista, I've always wanted to die dressed like a dude," said Jo. She attacked the bug, it taking her with it. "I regret nothing!"

"Soon I'll be the only character left!" said Yami Bakura. "I've always wanted my own cartoon. I think I'll call it… Zorc and Pals." _(Who's that crazy kook destroyin' the world? It's Zorc! [That's me!] It's Zorc and Pals!)_

_"Zorc, did you forget our anniversary? Again?" asks Yami Bakura. Cue artificial laughter._

_"Yes," says Zorc. "I was too busy destroying the world." More artificial laughter. "I've slaughtered millions!" Yet more artificial laughter._

_"That's my Zorc!" said Yami Bakura._

_The blood of the innocent will flow without end! His name is Zorc and he's destroyin' the world!_

"What do you think, Pharaoh?" asked Yami Bakura. Of course she would spoil one of the main revelations. She's _trying_ to destroy this world!

"I think you'll lose fans faster than you can say Game of Thrones!" said Yami.

"That was my favorite show," said Ted, shedding a single tear. "Why did they have to ruin the ending?"

"Ted's tears activated his special ability: Disney princess movie clichés!" said Yugi.

"Yes, and it also allows me to recycle Reborn the Monster!" Again, Yami, it's Monster Reborn!

_Would you keep quiet?!_ asked Yami.

Meanwhile, in the graveyard…

"Please don't kill me!" said Jo. "I have three best friends! Kill them instead!" Thankfully, due to the power of Deus Ex Machina, Jo was brought back just in time.

"It's okay, Jo, my alter-ego brought you back to life with a spell card," said Yugi.

"Just like our lord Jesus," said Trista.

"How many times do I have to kill you people before you stay dead?!" asked Yami Bakura.

"Same number of times as the Joker," said Jo.

With that, Yami Bakura revealed a spell card.

"The Change of Heart!" said Yugi. "That's Bakura's favorite card!"

"Yes," said Yami Bakura, "and with it, I'm going to turn you into a villain! That way, you'll know what it's like to have your plans foiled time after time by a group of card-game-obsessed morons!"

"Look!" said Yugi. "It's the real Bakura!"

Indeed, Bakura showed up on the field dressed as the angel on that card. She took control of her alter-ego's Lady of Faith card. "I've taken control of this woman's body in order to save you guys. And I don't mind telling you, it feels bloody great!"

"By the gods!" said Yami Bakura. "That's exactly what I want to look like!"

"Conveniently, my Millennium Puzzle lets me put souls back into their original bodies," said Yami. With that, the two Bakuras switched places, with the power of Millennium Ex Machina.

"How dare you defy me?" said Yami Bakura. "Just wait until Zorc hears about this!"

"Finish her!" said Yami, in her best Mortal Kombat announcer impression. Which was terrible, because this is words on a screen, and not audio.

"Super special awesome attack!" said Yugi.

"Oh, bugger me!" said Yami Bakura as she was sent to the graveyard. "I shall be a main character, even if it takes me another two hundred bloody episodes."

With that, the duel was over, and everyone was in the bodies they should be in.

"I say, that plot line made a lot more sense in the original manga," said Bakura.

"Where did you get your evil ring from, Bakura?" asked Yugi.

"My mother bought it while she was in Egypt looking to purchase some blue hair dye," said Bakura. Why go to Egypt for hair dye, I don't know. Anyway…

"Man, I had the most unbelievable dream," said Jo. "There were two Yugis, and Bakura was a main character!"

"I usually enjoy dreams that involve two Yugis," said Ted, "but that one was very disappointing."

"Well, hopefully we can all get a breather next chapter," said Bakura.

"Oh no, a cliffhanger!" said Trista.


	10. Card Games at Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Let's throw cards at Yami! It'll be _hilarious!_ Also, this chapter has been brought to you by Corey Hart.

"No! My Harpies!" said Michael. "I can't believe I lost!"

"Maybe next time you'll put more than three monsters in your deck," said Panik, the Player Killer of Darkness. "I'll be taking your star chips now."

Just then, Yugi Ex Machina ensued. "Super special awesome rescue!" she exclaimed. "We heard screaming, is everyone okay?"

"I lost another duel," said Michael.

"You were screaming because of that?" asked Yugi incredulously. "What are you, five years old?" Oh, come on! _Everyone_ takes Duel Monsters far too seriously in this series! It's an anime! …Okay, a fanfic based on a webseries based on an anime, but still!

"It was very distressing!" said Michael. Well, hey, at least you aren't going evil over it, unlike _someone_ from – oh, wait, don't wanna spoil GX. Or Season 4.

"We were trying to sleep!" complained Jo. "Honestly, this is exactly why I hate blonde people!" Okay, I take back _anything_ I said about Jo having common sense!

"Calm down, Jo, you bloody yank!" said Bakura. You said it!

"He was my easiest victim yet," said Panik. "Now that he's lost the one – no, two things he was known for, he has no defense against my enormous chin!"

"Don't worry, Michael," said Yugi. "Since I'm the main character, it'll be a cinch for me to win back your star chips." With that, Yami took over. When do we learn her actual name? What? _Season Five?!_ I gotta keep up this gig for another four-and-a-half arcs?! Man, I gotta arrange a break sometime!

"It's time to duel, sucker!" said Yami.

"That Yugi's one bad mother – "

"Watch your language!" said Ted and Trista.

"What's the big idea?!" asked Jo. "It woulda been censored! Besides, we ain't on fanfiction.net!"

Right. Anyway, an obligatory Neon Genesis Evangelion reference! Get in the goddamn robot - er, duel arena, Yami!

"It looks like it's my lucky day, Yugi!" said Panik. "Pegasus has offered a vast reward to anyone who can eliminate you from the tournament."

"Yeah, maybe you could use the money to get some more screentime!" said Yami. "Because you don't even show up after this chapter. Meanwhile, I do! So it's obvious who wins."

"How do you know that?" asked Panik.

"You weren't even – agh!" Panik had hit a button that made cuffs grab Yami's legs. "Hey, these things must come in handy!" she said. Uh-huh. Sure. "Come in handy." _For things I can't mention without raising the rating!_

Anyway, Panik pressed another button to shoot flames at Yami. Hellfire, dark fire, now duelist, it's your turn! Choose loss or your pyre! Disney villain songs aside…

"Yugi's in big trouble!" said Michael.

"Ah, it'll be fine!" said Jo. "Like Yugi said! He's not gonna show up after this chapter, so she'll win!"

"This is the worst vacation ever!" said Trista.

Panik laughed. "It's so much fun being a bully!"

"You know something, chin-face?" asked Yami. "I'm not even sure this chapter will be posted."

Panik summoned the Castle of Dark Illusion. "With this card on my side of the field, my monsters will be hidden from sight, making things much easier to describe. See? I'm helping the narrator!" Actually, you're not, you dipshit.

Anyway, Yami summoned Winged Dragon, Guardian of the Fortress. "I cast magic missile at the darkness, revealing your side of the field." This isn't Dungeons and Dragons, Yami. That ain't gonna do jack squat for anything.

"I say, that was a superb strategical move at critical juncture!" said Bakura. No, don't ask me what a juncture is.

"Who the hell said you could hang out with us?" asked Jo. Asshat.

"Thrill as I set all my monsters in defense mode!" said Panik. "Stalemates are very exciting." Oh, geez, to be narrating Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! GX… that would be far preferential to dealing with _these_ idiots… but alas, another narrator got that gig. I'm hoping for a collab. I wonder if the characters are rap artists _and_ duelists… "X gon' give it to ya, he gon' give it to ya, X gon' give it to ya, yo where my duelists at?!" Okay, enough of my bad references…

_Honestly, who would want to watch a cartoon about a bunch of rap artists playing card games?_ asked Jo.

Hey! That's an interesting concept! Don't you go dissing Yu-Gi-Oh! DMX!

_It's Yu-Gi-Oh!_ GX, _ya big palooka!_ said Jo.

Anyway…

"With my Catapult Turtle, I can launch my Dragonborn Champion towards your castle, shattering its flotation ring, thereby causing it to collapse on top of your monsters," said Yami. Excuse me, what?! That… that…

"This card game is a load of bollocks!" said Bakura. I agree! This chapter is also a slog!

"All right, then!" said Panik. "If I can't beat you, I'll kill you instead!" With that, he pressed the button to shoot flames at Yami. Somehow, she didn't die. "Why aren't you dead?!" he asked.

"As I explained earlier, I'm the main character," said Yami. "You, however, can just go right ahead and die. Mind Crush!" I think Panik's dead… Yami…? "Bullying is just wrong," she said. "Destroying people's brains with magical powers is a-okay!" Oh, geez.

"Can I have my star chips back now?" asked Michael.

"Only if you beg me," said Yami. "Come on, get on your knees."

"…You're kidding, right?" asked Michael.

"Of course I am!" said Yami. "What do you think I am, a sociopath?" Um, considering what you just did four paragraphs ago…

Anyway, the chapter's over! We can get to some actual plot progression! Nothing could possibly get worse! Not compared to my first narration gig, anyway…


	11. ...In America!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously, on Buffy the Vampiress Slayer... just kidding, it's only Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi...

Kaiba was in a helicopter headed towards Duelist Kingdom. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. It made more sense in the manga.

_I have to reach Pegasus' island,_ thought Kaiba. _Fortunately I can pilot a helicopter. Thank God for Microsoft Flight Simulator. Once I get there, I'll probably bump into Yugi. I'll never forget the way she beat me in a card game. I can remember it like it was just yesterday. Time for a flashback!_

_"Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" asked Yugi._

_"Yeah, so?" asked Kaiba._

_"That's against the rules, isn't it?"_

_"Screw the rules, I have green hair!"_ End flashback.

_Huh,_ thought Kaiba. _Well, that was just weird. I should probably cut back on the drugs._ Oh, crap. Does she somehow remember…?

_Remember what?_ asked Kaiba.

Nothing! Anyway…

Meanwhile, on the island…

"Look, Bakura!" exclaimed Yugi. "Your Millennium Ring is acting really peculiar!"

"Oh, that's just my gaydar," explained Bakura. "My mother had it installed in my Millennium Ring to protect me, because I attract so many bloody fangirls!"

"I wonder why it's pointing towards Pegasus' castle?" asked Yugi.

"Bugger if I know," said Bakura.

At Pegasus' castle…

"This tournament will attract the ladies in droves!" said Pegasus. "Ooh, let's celebrate by watching the Spice Girls movie!"

"Oh, not again…" said Croquet. _Does she have to be such a Spice Girls fangirl?_ he wondered. _Even_ I _don't act so obsessively over Elton John!_

Back with our main characters…

"I say, that reminds me of the time when I was transferred into your school," said Bakura. Another flashback!

_"Kids, this is our new student, Bakura," said the teacher. "She's new here, so feel free to bully her like crazy!" Because apparently that's what high school is like. Again. Fanfic of a parody of a dub of an anime of a 1990s manga._

_"Hello everyone!" said Bakura, smiling. "It's bloody nice to meet you!"_

_"What's wrong with her use of the word 'bloody'?" asked one kid._

_"Is she a murderer?" asked another._

_"Go back to wherever you're from!" said yet another._

_"I wanna go home," said a fourth kid._

_"You blokes are a bunch of wankers," said Bakura. She's right, you know._

_After class, Bakura found Yugi and Jo dueling._

_Jo played a card. "Checkmate!" she said. "I sunk ya battleship!"_

_"Jo, you redefine what it means to be a moron," said Yugi._

_Bakura's Millennium Ring started pointing towards Yugi's Millennium Puzzle, for reasons that confounded Bakura. And us. And by "us" I mean me._

_Because, as Yami would say, "This Millennium Puzzle is such a chick magnet!"_ End flashback.

"By the way, where are the others?" asked Bakura.

"Jo and Trista are busy guarding Ted," explained Yugi. "For some reason, ever since we got back from the Shadow Realm, he's been under the impression that he's a caterpillar."

Meanwhile, in the tent…

_Soon I'll be a beautiful butterfly, and then Yugi will love me,_ thought Ted. As if she didn't alread - oh, wait. I've got plot to continue with, or something.

Helicopter Ex Machina ensues.

"Oh, my!" said Bakura. "A helicopter! I wonder who it is!" Not anyone pleasant, I can tell you that much for sure.

"I bet it's the men in black!" said Trista. Whoo boy. We have ourselves a conspiracy theorist here.

A person stepped out of the helicopter. Someone whose last name starts with "K" and ends in "aiba."

"Look, it's that girl I defeated in the first episode without even breaking a sweat!" said Yugi. "Hey loser, how's it going?"

"I'm here to kick ass and play card games, and I'm all out of cards," said Kaiba. Well, I mean, her deck _was_ stolen.

"Here's your deck, Kaiba," said Yugi. "By the way, I've forgiven you for hospitalizing my grandma. Can we be super special awesome friends now?" Yugi, that is not – 

"Like hell," said Kaiba. "I don't have time to waste with you scoobies. No offense, Yugi, you're a great duelist and all, but your buddy over there couldn't duel her way out of a paper bag."

"That does it!" yelled Jo. "Nobody talks about my pal Trista like that!" She then ran up to Kaiba and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt.

Kaiba threw Jo on the ground. "I don't like to be touched by people who don't have money," she said. Asshat.

"Nyeh-eh-eh!"

"Jo, are you okay?" asked Yugi.

"Check her pulse, Yugi!" said Bakura. This is, in fact, actual 4Kids dialogue.

Once she got up, Jo said, "It's time to duel, ya big palooka!"

"I don't have time to waste," said Kaiba, walking away. This is, in fact, actual Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! dialogue.

"Whaddya mean, you coward?!" asked Jo. Yugi and Trista had to hold Jo back so that she wouldn't do anything stupid like try to beat Kaiba up.

"I didn't come here to stoke my ego by beating a bunch of weaklings in a duel," said Kaiba. "I'm going up against Pegasus herself. You dweebs don't know what you're up against. Pegasus is ruthless. Flamboyant, but ruthless. I've seen it with my own eyes. It was at a surprisingly popular card game tournament in America." Another flashback!

_Mokuno was supposed to be there with me, but since she'd been kidnapped for about the fiftieth time that month, her seat was empty. Pegasus was facing the intercontinental champion, Bandit Kate, who apparently likes to remind everyone that she's from America._

_"You can't beat me because I'm an American!" said Bandit Kate. See what I mean? It looked like Kate was about to win, but then suddenly Pegasus invited some kid from the audience to their table._

_"Hey, what are you doing? Asking for help's illegal! ...In America!"_

_"I don't need help, a child could beat you, Bandit Kate, and I'm going to prove it!" said Pegasus._

_"Are you my mommy?" asked the kid._

_Pegasus gave the kid some instructions, and in just one turn Bandit Kate had lost. Who would have thought that a child could win a children's card game?_

_"This can't be happening! In America!"_

_"That's because we're not_ in _America! And now I've turned this tournament into a total farce!" said Pegasus._

_The crowd cheered._ End flashback.

"And just what was that story supposed to prove?" asked Yugi. "Apart from the fact that you apparently have telepathy."

"It proves that I'm obscenely rich. Somehow," said Kaiba. "Smell you geeks later. I have a hyperactive sister to rescue." Exit Kaiba, stage left.

"Why didn't she use the Neuralyzer on us?" asked Trista.

Meanwhile, in the castle…

"I can sense you, Kaiba-girl," said Pegasus. "Overgrown 13-year-old edgelords are easy to spot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of alterations. First, according to LittleKuriboh, Croquet is gay, and _that_ was why Bakura's Millennium Ring was pointing to Pegasus' castle. To make that clearer, and to foreshadow the reveal that Pegasus is _not,_ I had Croquet mention liking Elton John, a musician in the LGBT community.
> 
> And the error in Kaiba's flashback of calling Yami "Yugi" is intentional. Kaiba doesn't know they're separate people at this time.
> 
> I am _also_ changing a lot of the jokes about Pegasus regarding Kaiba. Because _yeeeah,_ those jokes did _not_ age well!


	12. Duel of the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely _no_ scenes were deleted here. None. None at all.

The next day, everybody woke up. Hmm? What's that? I skipped a scene? I don't know what you're talking about! Let me check my transcripts… hmm… not seeing anything… okay, tell me the scene. Heh heh… "slowest dragon in the universe"… "think of all the card games I'll never play"… "Kaibazilla"… huh? Oh no… oh _no!_ This is worse than my first narration gig! Skip!

"Nyeh!" said Jo. "The narrator saved me!"

"From what?" asked Yugi.

"Never mind," said Jo.

"Hey Yugi," said Ted. "Michael Valentine told me to give you this letter."

"How the hell am I supposed to read this?!" asked Yugi. "Even the _narrator_ doesn't know what it says!"

"Yugi's got a boyfriend!" said Trista. No, Trista. Just no.

"That does it," said Yugi. "Trista is so getting a mind crush." And not the good kind, either!

Later that morning…

"Check it out," said Jo. "I've been working on my dance moves! I call this one the 'Joey'."

"Jo, that's the worst dance I've ever seen." said Yugi. "There's not even any description!"

"You're just jealous!" said Jo.

Meanwhile, three people were spying on our main characters. Creeps.

"Braaains!" said one of them, who looked a little too close to a Japanese horror movie ghost. (Translation: "What a cool dance!") Despite the utter lack of description? Okay, then.

"You said it, Zombie Girl!" said a woman named Zygor. Hey, I'm not the fool who picked weird names when dubbing Yu-Gi-Oh!

"Oy, isn't that Yugi?" asked a woman named Cindy. "The only person on this island whose hair is more ridiculous than ours?"

"Braaains," said Zombie Girl. (Translation: "She looks like a bobblehead doll.") Well, I mean… well, you're not wrong. Even _if_ the pot is calling the kettle black.

_Braaains?_ asked Zombie Girl. Oh, right, I forgot to mention she has similar proportions to Yugi.

"Let's go do more cliché henchman things," said Cindy.

"Okay," said Zygor.

Later, a distance between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away, Zygor, Cindy, and Zombie Girl met up with Bandit Kate.

"Excellent work, my fellow Americans," said Kate. "Except for you, agirlinsearchof." Hey! "It sounds like those kids are about to fall right into my trap… in America!"

"Oy, boss, you know we're not actually in America, right?" asked Cindy.

"I don't understand a word you just said," said Kate. "Try speaking American, it's the only language I understand." Well, looks like you won't be understanding Bakura any time soon.

Meanwhile, in the forest…

"I gotta go take a whiz," said Jo.

"Too much information, Jo," said Yugi.

Meanwhile, in a cave… (all these location cuts are making me warpsick…)

"That graveyard arena should be around here somewhere," said Kate. "These sunglasses sure make it difficult to see in the dark, but I refuse to take them off because I'm an American, and Americans always wear sunglasses." Guess you think Pegasus isn't American, then. "Now it's time for my favorite Shakespeare quote. 'Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him. In America!'" So did you not know Yorick anywhere else? Or is that not your favorite Shakespeare quote anywhere else? Also, Shakespeare was British.

"Braaains?" asked Zombie Girl. (Translation: "I dropped out of zombie school for this?") I feel ya, Zombie Girl. I feel ya.

Meanwhile, at a waterfall… 

"Ain't nothing like gettin' out what ya gotta get out," said Jo. Too much information, Jo. A wild Zygor appeared! "What are ya – " A one-hit KO!

Later, in the graveyard arena… (oh no… I might puke…)

"Rise and shine, dweeb," said Zygor. Speak for yourself.

"Hey, where the heck are we?" asked Jo.

"Braaains!" said Zombie Girl. (Translation: "It's time to duel!")

"Oh no, it's Bellatrix Jr!" said Jo.

Mean… while… out… side… (Bleagh!)

"I wonder what's keeping Jo?" asked Yugi. "If she's gone much longer, we'll have to give her pagetime to Bakura."

"Let's ditch her!" said Bakura.

"Score, a wallet!" said Ted. "Finders keepers!" He opened it to reveal a picture of Shizu.

"Hey," said Trista, "that's Jo's sis – I mean, brother!"

"Let's all wander blindly into that cave over there," said Yugi. To the Duel-Cave!

Back in the graveyard arena…

"What do you people want from me?" asked Jo.

"Your star chips, dweeb!" said Kate. _Wow._ You sure don't remind me of any condescending asshats _I_ know… "I have a score to settle with Pegasus, so Zombie Girl here's gonna beat you in a card game."

"Why didn't ya just take my star chips while I was unconscious?" asked Jo. Astute question.

"Shut the hell up!" said Kate. "It's time of Zombie girl to sing the American national anthem… in America!" Um, right, let me calculate how much a ticket from Japan to America is…

"Brains, brains brains, brains, brains braaains…" (Translation: "Oh, say, can you see…?")

"She has the voice of a zombie angel," said Zygor. Well, I won't be the judge of that. This is a text-based medium.

Elsewhere in the cave, between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"We can't find Jo anywhere," said Yugi. "This is so totally the opposite of super special awesome – whatever that is." Well, look on the bright side, Yugi. You're somewhere between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away!

_What the hell does that mean?_ asked Yugi.

"Look, a couple of coffins!" said Bakura, distracting Yugi from her question. "These'll come in handy when we kill Jo for making us look for her."

Ted, the naïve fool, opened one of them, releasing a skeleton. "Oh no, a superheroine drawn by Rob Liefeld!" he said.

"Stop trying to make out with Ted!" said Yugi. "That's my job!"

"Yugi touched me," said Ted. "That means we're engaged!" Stop being absurd, Ted.

_You are the one who is absurd!_ said Ted.

Back at the duel arena ('cause this is filler!)…

…not much of interest is happening.

Elsewhere in the cave, between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"Hey, what happened to Bakura?" asked Yugi.

"Maybe agirlinsearchof finally wrote her out of the fic," said Ted. Stop being absurd, Ted.

"Help!" said Bakura. "This superheroine is one of my fangirls!" Indeed, she was running with a skeleton clinging to her from behind. This is why you don't glomp your favorite characters, kids.

"Not a fangirl!" exclaimed Ted, Trista, and Yugi, who ran ahead of Bakura.

"Come back here and help me, you wankers!" said Bakura.

Trista crushed the superheroine – I mean, skeleton's, skull. "Egh!" said Trista. "Who's doing superheroics now, you freak of art?" Hey, Trista. Don't insult art now, okay?

"We should be okay, as long as you guys don't trigger any more obvious traps," said Yugi. And then Murphy's Law kicked in.

"Oh, snap!" said Bakura.

"Does everyone ignored by agirlinsearchof become a total spaz, Bakura?" asked Yugi.

"Pretty much," said Bakura.

A boulder then went rolling down the tunnel. Because of course it does. Can't go wrong with an Indiana Jones reference, after all. Our main characters then ran down the hallway, screaming like little girls.

"Gangway!" said Bakura. "Ladies first!" She then tripped. Because of course she does. Can't go wrong with deadly pratfalls, after all.

"It got Bakura!" said Yugi.

"Good!" said Ted. Stop being absurd, Ted.

"I shall avenge her death! My voice gives me super strength!" said Trista. Finally, someone who shows Bakura respect. She stopped, turned around, and punched the boulder. The boulder then exploded. Because of course it does. Can't go wrong with gratuitous explosions, after all. "Holy shit, it really does!" she said. I wonder if my fic is slowly becoming a Michael Bay movie fanfic… also, what happened to the bleeping?

"Oh, it was just a balloon with a speaker inside," said Yugi. "I guess I wet my pants for nothing." Too much information, Yugi.

Meanwhile, poor Bakura was lying on the ground, eye twitching from the experience of… being rolled over by a small speaker, apparently. "Somebody… tell my fangirls… I love them…" she said, voice strangled.

"Looks like Bakura's scarred for life again," said Ted. "Just like when she read that one really bad Tendershipping fic." Not sure how reading a fanfic shipping you with your evil psycho alter ego is comparable to being run over by what you _think_ is a giant rock, but okay, go off, I guess…

Anyway, back in the duel arena…

"I sure wish Yugi were here," said Jo. "How am I supposed to prove my independence without her help?" Just then, the rest of our main characters arrived, now between a wiffle and half a Sheppey away. Don't ask me how they moved 41.5 Sheppies so quickly.

"Don't worry, Jo, we're here to rescue you!" said Yugi. "Wait a second, have you been playing a card game? We were worried sick about you!"

"Hey, I'm trying to prove myself here," said Jo.

"You hang out with us," said Yugi. "You can't prove yourself!" Harsh.

"Oh yeah," said Jo. No! Don't listen to them! Anyway…

"Seems you're out of luck, dweeb," said Kate. "Zombie Girl's monsters are about to wipe out your life points."

"Lemme guess: in America, right?" asked Jo.

"I wasn't going to say that!" snapped Kate. "…In America," she added.

"Jo, you can still win! Just remember your love for Shizu!" said Yugi.

"You're right, Yug!" said Jo. "This is for killing my favorite dog, ya goth bastard!"

"Braaains?" (Translation: "What the *BLEEP*?") Um, Jo, that's a Shih Tzu you're thinking of…

"Well, Jo, it looks like you learned an important lesson," said Yugi. "The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain."

"Weird," said Jo. "I remember there bein' a line here… apparently I'm a furry?" This line opened up a Plot Hole, specifically of the Shoehorn variety. Great job, me. _Great_ job. Half-assed furry representation.

"I dunno," said Yugi. "I think agirlinsearchof would rather forget about it."

"Anyway, let's get out of here before we get our minds wiped by the Silence," said Jo.

Later, outside the cave entrance…

"They'll never be able to get past this cardboard cutout of a boulder," said Cindy. She, Zygor, and Zombie Girl pushed the boulder in front of the cave entrance.

"Another victory for America," said Kate. Dude… no, just no.

Meanwhile, inside the cave…

Our main characters were trying in vain to push the cardboard boulder out of the way.

"It's no use," said Jo. "It's made of solid cardboard."

"Hello, darkness, my old friend…" murmured Bakura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, there are _particular_ scenes I do not like. Mostly the one at the beginning of Episode 12 and all lines referencing it.
> 
> By the way, wiffles and Sheppies [are real units of measurement!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_humorous_units_of_measurement)


	13. Rhymes are a Dime a Dozen, Apparently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where everything becomes a vulgar parody of Doctor Seuss. In other words, _it gets worse!_

Yugi, Jo, and Trista were attempting to push the cardboard boulder out of the way. Because they're too wimpy to push solid cardboard. Ted and Bakura, conversely, were smart enough not to waste their efforts. Good for them.

"I've got a bloody good idea," said Bakura. "Let's use my gaydar in order to locate some gay people. They'll be able to help us."

For _once_ everyone listened to Bakura, and followed her through the tunnels.

"Why would there be gay people down here?" asked Trista.

"Gay people like to hibernate in caves," said Jo. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

"Jo, that's bats," said Ted.

"Bats, gay people, same thing," said Jo. So what does that make Batman? Certainly explains Bat _woman,_ at any rate.

At last, our main characters stopped in front of a dueling arena in the middle of a labyrinth.

"It seems my evil ring was pointing to this room," said Bakura.

"Oh my god!" said Jo. "This is unbelievable! Bakura did something actually useful!"

A pair of identical women jumped down into the room, doing martial arts stances in time with music.

Bakura, attempting to speak over the music, said, "Oh my, I wonder if those are the gay people?"

"Ya can't just assume that!" said Jo. "Although that is a possibility!"

Meanwhile, in a forest…

_My sister's being held hostage, but I don't really feel like running, so I'm just going to walk briskly towards Pegasus' castle. Besides, she's probably okay,_ thought Kaiba. Jerk.

Meanwhile, in a dungeon under Pegasus' castle…

"I can't feel my legs!" said Mokuno.

Back in the forest…

Kaiba pulled a pendant (shaped like a Duel Monsters card, because of course it is) from under her shirt. She opened it, revealing a picture of a five-year-old Mokuno. _This picture reminds me of when Mokuno and I were just small children._ Well, gee, Captain Obvious, I sure needed to know that! It's not like describing what was in the picture gave a big enough hint! Anyway, flashback time! Allons-y!

_We lived in an orphanage, because I had fired our parents. It was a very depressing time in my life, since I didn't have any money, so I was unable to screw the rules. Mokuno was often bullied, and when you're getting picked on by orphans, you know you're a loser._ Jackass.

_"Here's your toy back, Mokuno, that'll be five bucks!"_

_Whenever we felt slightly less miserable, we would play chess, but since it didn't involve dragons or expensive holograms, I found it extremely boring._

_"I love you, big sister!"_

_"'Kay, thanks."_ End flashback.

So what I can gather from this is that you were a spoiled brat who expected chess to have technology that didn't exist yet. So much for your tragic backstory.

_Well, gee, thanks for being a condescending ass,_ said Kaiba. _That's odd,_ she thought. _My Kaiba senses are tingling._

"Attention, Duelists!" said Kemo. He tried to attack Kaiba, to no avail. He got elbowed in the stomach for his efforts. That got him to stop, because 4Kids censored the original scene. Thanks, assholes. "My hair is being assaulted!" he said.

"Idiot. Next time you sneak up on me, try keeping your mouth shut." Kaiba and Kemo turned towards the castle.

"I knew those child-grabbing classes were a waste of money," said Kemo. Well next time, try grabbing, oh, I don't know, _actual children_ instead of six-foot-tall teenagers who could pass for adults!

Meanwhile, in the underground dueling arena…

"We are the sisters Paradox!" said Para.

"And we love wearing these silly frocks!" said Dox.

"As villains go, we're kinda lame!" said Para.

"But never mind that, let's play a card game!" said Dox.

"We have to duel these two as a team, Jo," said Yami. "That means you do everything I say."

"Duh, okay," said Jo.

"We are villains who like to rhyme!"

"In fact, we do it all the time!"

"You may think it's rather crass…"

"But you can stick your cards right up your nose!"

"You were supposed to say _ass,_ sister," said Para. "I thought we rehearsed this!"

"Leave it to Beaver Warrior!" said Yami.

"Wall Shadow, destroy her Beaver Warrior!" said Para.

"Let this be a lesson to ya, Yug," said Jo. "Never, under any circumstances, leave ya beaver exposed."

"You're right, Jo," said Yami. "My beaver was on full display. Next time I'll take better care of my beaver."

"I didn't know beavers took so much maintenance," said Ted.

_Hey, wait a tick,_ said Jo. _You cut off phallic innuendo, but yonic innuendo are okay?! And you only censor certain swear words?! You're worse than a prudish coward! You're a prudish coward with a double standard!_

Hey, shut up, Jo! I have my reasons! Anyway…

Meanwhile, at Pegasus' dungeon…

"Attention duelists!" said Kemo. "My hair has security clearance to get through this door!"

"Why do you keep saying 'Attention duelists'?" asked Kaiba. "I'm the only other person here." Astute question.

"Shut up, it's what I do, okay?" said Kemo.

_And what was that about – oh, wait, you_ didn't _insult me, for once,_ said Kaiba.

Meanwhile, back in the dueling arena…

Dark Magician used Mystic Box! It's super effective! (Everyone loves Magical Trevor, 'cause the tricks that he does are ever so clever…)

"We can see that you two are no runts," said Para.

"We invite you to lick our – "

"Cor, blimey!" said Bakura. "That was a smashing maneuver! Good show, you two!"

Trista was silent, because she knew that I would break her kneecaps if she said what she was thinking…

Meanwhile, in the dungeon…

"So this is about the hundred-and-seventy-eighth time my sister's been kidnapped," said Kaiba. "Thanks for listening, by the way, it feels good to get this stuff off my chest." Huh?! Wait, hold on... _this was in the original script?!_ So this is, in fact, actual LittleKuriboh dialogue!

"Attention duelist!" said Kemo. "My hair is definitely not leading you into a trap!"

"Listen, if you say one more thing about your hair, I'm gonna shave it off!" said Kaiba.

"You wouldn't have the guts," said Kemo.

"Try me, fool!" said Kaiba.

Meanwhile, at the dueling field…

"Against our Gate Guardian, you stand no chance!"

"I'm not wearing any underpants!"

"Is that true, sister, or are you just rhyming?"

"I didn't want to throw off our timing! …But it is true."

"Jo, it's time for a surprise attack!"

"No worries, Yug, I got ya back."

"Hang on a second, are we rhyming too?"

"Don't ask me, I ain't got a clue."

"This is like something out of Dr. Suess!"

"I can't stop staring at Yugi's caboose!"

"Everyone seems to have gone all rhymey!"

"Why is your accent so old-timey?"

Meanwhile, in the dungeon…

"So you wanna catch a movie later, or…"

"Rejected!" said Kemo. Ha! That's what ya get for… for…

_For what?_ asked Kaiba.

Spoilers!

_Ugh…_

Anyway, Kemo set off the alarm.

"The alarm!" said Kaiba. "What the hell have you done?"

"That's for threatening my hair!" said Kemo.

"I'll never forgive you for this – whoever you are." With that, Kaiba ran off.

Meanwhile, in the dueling field…

"I activate a spell that allows our monsters to trade places!" said Yami. "Which would be completely useless in any other situation." With that, Dark Magician switched places with the Black Skull Dragon.

"Our phasers are at the ready, captain," said Jo.

"Make it so, number one!" said Yami. With that, Black Skull Dragon destroyed the Gate Guardian.

"All right, they won!" said Ted. "Now we can use our dialogue tags again!"

"And they've got all ten star chips!" said Honda.

"And you know what that means!" said Bakura.

"This crappy tournament is almost over!" said all three non-duelists at once.

"It seems that we ran out of luck!"

"It's just a card game, who gives a – "

Back in the dungeon!

"Big sister!" said Mokuno. "You came to rescue me again! What the hell took you so long?"

Just then, Pegasus entered the room. "Hello, Kaiba-girl. I've been expecting you."

"Pegasus!" said Kaiba. "I'm gonna make you pay for stealing my cards!" Wait, when did she – 

"And for kidnapping me, right, Setomi?" asked Mokuno.

"And that too," Kaiba added.

"I'm afraid your sister is in another castle!" said Pegasus, stealing Mokuno's soul.

"Big sister… I don't feel so good," said Mokuno, voice fading as she did.

"What have you done now?" asked Kaiba.

"I've turned Mokuno into a monster card, and she doesn't have any attack or defense points!" said Pegasus.

" _You're_ the monster here!" said Kaiba.

"If you want to ever see your sister again," said Pegasus, "have a rematch with Yugi-girl! And this time, you have to win!"

"I'll do it!" said Kaiba. "But only to avenge the death of my sister!"

"Quit telling everyone I'm dead!" protested Mokuno.

"Sometimes I can still hear her voice…" said Kaiba.


	14. Umm... Something!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're reading Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! when you could be doing something productive! ...Hopefully!

"Finally, fresh air!" said Jo. "I love the smell of card games in the morning!"

"Look, guys," said Ted. "We're right outside Pegasus' castle!"

"Now we just gotta win the prize money!" said Jo.

"I'm glad Bakura's a lesbian, otherwise we never would have gotten out of that cave," said Ted.

"Oh, so just because I have a gaydar, you automatically assume I'm gay?" asked Bakura. "Bloody fool."

"Hey Ted," said Yugi, "do you remember the time we became friends?"

"No," said Ted, "but I do remember the 4Kids version." Flashback!

_"Welcome to Kentucky Fried McBurger King, where all our meat is freshly slaughtered!" said Ted._

_Yugi and Jo entered the restaurant. Oh, shoot. Those dorks from school. They'd drive away the customers with all their talk of card games. He had to do something!_

_"Hey Yug," said Jo, "you know what they call a quarter pounder in France? A Royale with Cheese! It's all because of the metric system!" As opposed to them having better naming ideas?_

_"I wonder what they call the Super Special Awesome Burger?" asked Yugi. That would be "Le Super Special Awesome Burger," according to my extremely limited French. I'm also probably wrong._

_"Kiss my grits, you geeks!" said Ted._

_"Holy cow, I think I'm in love!" said Yugi. Who says "holy cow" these days? Man, this really_ is _censored!_

_"I don't want to be just a waiter my whole life, you know," said Ted. "I'm saving up my money to become a table dancer in New York."_

_"Hey, that's where my totally-not-fake-accent used to live," said Jo._

_Later, at school…_

_The next day, Ted found a suspicious note in his locker. It read: "Dear Ted, we found you a secret dance studio. Please come at once. P.S.: Bring lots of money so I can steal it from you." Ted foolishly followed the instructions._

_At the so-called "dance studio"…_

_"Well, this is just about the worst dance studio ever!" said Ted. A totally-not-a-mugger walked in. "Hey, are you my dance instructor?" he asked, foolishly._

_"Just hand over all your money, boy!" said the yeah-actually-a-mugger._

_"Screw you, man," said Ted. "I'm not paying for lessons!" He bit the man's arm, but got flung into the wall for his efforts. He was unconscious for the next part, yet somehow still remembered it. This created a Plot Hole. Not big enough to fit a person, though._

_"I'm here for my ballet classes," said Yami. "I should warn you, I look damn good in a tutu." Pics, or it didn't happen._

_"Get lost, I'm trying to mug this boy," he said._

_"You won't like me when I'm angry," said Yami. "Hulk Smash!" With that, the man was mind-crushed. When Ted woke up, he could have sworn he was looking at the girl of his dreams…_

_"Hey," said Yami. "You wanna get off the dance floor? I'm gonna do the Macarena." But what about -_

End flashback.

"And then we got married and had beautiful children," said Ted.

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember that part," said Yugi. "Hey, Ted, do you still have that dance uniform?"

"Hey, stop developing your characters, we have card games to play!" said Trista. Damn it, Trista! I give you guys _some_ backstory, and _this_ is what you have to say?!

Anyway, they ascended the stairs.

"Look everyone, some random loser is blocking our path," said Yugi.

"Ever since you beat me in that first episode," said Kaiba, "nobody has ever been able to take me seriously. But that will all change once I defeat you in a children's card game." _I have to beat Yugi if I ever want to see my little sister again,_ thought Kaiba. _I miss you, Mokuno…_ Another flashback!

_Mokuno had been kidnapped numerous times. Even in the previous time loops where she was Mokuba, and male. There was that time where she... he? They... were kidnapped from their home, the first kidnapping. Then there was when he was kidnapped at Duelist Kingdom, the second kidnapping. Then the Virtu – what the heck, that's a spoiler. Then by Yami Bakura, in Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! (and thus she was female in that one), the 83rd kidnapping. Then that time with the helicopter, the 171st kidnapping, that time with Trista (it makes sense in context, we swear…)_ End flashback.

_Hmm, perhaps I should consider keeping her on a leash,_ thought Kaiba. No. Just no. There are enough _dog jokes_ in this damn fandom. You know who you are.

_Who are you talking to?_ asked Kaiba.

The audience.

"I accept your challenge, Kaiba," said the other Yugi. "Kicking your butt never gets old."

Later, on the roof…

"Let's play on the roof, because that's _totally_ not dangerous and there's _no_ chance of use falling off," said Kaiba. "We'll use my new Duel Disk system, because I'm a technophile!"

"Techno-what?" asked Yami.

"Never mind," said Kaiba.

"What's with the crappy holograms, anyway?" asked Jo. "They're all blocky, and the edges look all blurry."

"Shut up, Wheeler!" said Kaiba.

Meanwhile, outside the castle…

"I've won ten star chips! …In America!" said Bandit Kate. You know what? I give up.

"My hair is inviting you to enter the castle!" said Kemo.

"Don't mind if I do," said Kate. After she entered, she murmured to herself, "Man, that guy sure likes talking about his hair."

"Man, that woman sure likes talking about America," said Kemo.

Back on the roof…

"You may have beaten me before, Yugi," said Kaiba, "but this time I have the upper hand. I've placed my faith in the heart of the cards, and without Exodia, you have no chance of overcoming my unstoppable Blue-Eyes White Dragons!"

"Yeah, well at least I'm not adopted!" said Yami. Excuse me?! _What_ was that, young lady?

"What did you just say?" asked Kaiba.

"Sorry, did I touch a nerve?" asked Yami. "Why don't you run home and cry to mommy? Oh, that's right, you don't have one!" Why you little – 

"Yugi," said Kaiba, "I respect you as a duelist, but if you continue to act like a petulant child – "

"Hey, everybody, look at me!" said Yami. "I'm Setomi Kaiba! I have a dragon fetish, and I'm a ripoff of Daenerys Targaryen! Screw the rules, my fans think I can do no wrong!"

"That's it, Muto," said Kaiba, "you're *BLEEP*ing dead!" For _once_ I sympathize with Kaiba here! "With this card I'll be able to combine three of my Blue-Eyes White Dragons in order to summon a monster without peer! A monster so powerful that – "

"Oh for the love of Ra, just play the damn card already," said Yami. "There's enough monologues in this fic as is. What is this, Shakespeare?"

"Fine," said Kaiba. "Come forth, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!"

"Oh, poopie!" said Yami, in a rather childish use of language.

"Get up on the Hydra's back, Yug!" said Jo.

"I activate Asexual Reproduction!" said Yami. "Prepare to be completely smothered by my giant hairy balls!"

"I thought Yugi had a beaver," said Ted.

Watching from a tower above was none other than Bandit Kate.

"This is almost as exciting as my favorite movie, Pearl Harbor!" said Kate. "Those Japanese bas – " Shut up! Shut the _hell_ up! Nobody cares about your favorite movies!

Meanwhile, back where the duel was happening…

"I shall fuse my Mammoth Graveyard with your Dragon, causing it to decay from the inside!"

"How the hell did you do that?" asked Kaiba.

"It's called cheating, deal with it!" said Yami.

"I'd rather die than lose to my archrival," said Kaiba, stepping backwards.

"Oh my!" said Bakura. "If Yugi attacks, the shock waves could send Kaiba flying right off the edge of the castle!"

"Your lesbian friend is right, Yugi," said Kaiba.

"I'm not gay! I'm just British!" said Bakura.

"Dude, don't you think you're overreacting a little?" asked Yami. "I mean it's just a card game."

"Card games are serious business!" said Kaiba. "Now unleash your attack, if you have the guts!"

"This is awesome, Yugi's gonna kill Kaiba!" said Jo.

"I've always dreamed this moment would come," said Trista.

"Kaiba must die!" said Yami.

"But what would Grandma say?" asked Yugi.

_"Yuuugiii…" said Grandma Muto. "Kill that little - !"_

"Yugi, no!" said Ted. "You can't take this risk! She might survive! You _know_ agirlinsearchof can't write an AU that kills off a major character! This fanfic will be crappier than it already is!"

"He's right, we can't!" said Yugi. She then took over.

"I don't believe it," said Kate. "Yugi forfeited the match to Kaiba! Ben Affleck would be ashamed… in America!"

"I knew my slimeball strategy would pay off," said Kaiba. "You geeks are so gullible."

"I lost a card game!" said Yugi, in tears. "I no longer have a reason to live!"

"In that case, can I be the main character?" asked Bakura.

"Hell no," said Yugi. Well, _that's_ a reason to live. An incredibly selfish one, but at least I don't have to figure out how to write this without you!


	15. Get Me Out of Here!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic sucks! Everything sucks! I want out of here!

Yugi was _still_ down on her knees from last chapter. Feels like a week!

"Yugi hasn't said a word since she lost to Kaiba," said Ted. So, a week.

Jo went to Yugi's side. "Yug!" she said. "Answer me! How many fingers am I holding up?" Silence. "That's right, zero! Man, you're good at this game! Let's play something else."

"Check her pulse, Jo!" said Bakura.

"Listen, Yug, I lost a card game to – no, wait, that got written out," said Jo. "But the point is, you're getting a bit out-of-character, with the mopiness." She realized something. "Wait, did agirlinsearchof not wipe your mind properly after that one fic that, like, totally traumatized her?" Wait. I didn't wipe _her_ mind right either?!

"Oh, please," said Michael. "Let's just get on with the filler, I mean, plot."

"Look everyone," said Ted. "It's Michael Bay!"

"Actually, it's Michael Valentine."

"That's what I said," said Ted. "Michael Bay."

"I heard Yugi had lost her will to live," said Michael. "It's really out-of-character. I wanted to find out what kind of fic I'm in." That happens a lot in bad Yu-Gi-Oh! fics…

"I'm sick of you criticizing my friends," said Ted. "It's time we settled this like real men!"

"Woohoo!" said Trista. "Football match!"

"No, not like that," said Ted.

"Pro wrestling?" asked Trista.

"No."

"Boxing?"

"No!"

"Formal debate?" asked Bakura.

Everybody looked at her, shocked, for no real reason.

"What?" What, indeed. This made more sense in the original. It also featured Tristan being a pervert, but hey. We can't have everything. Anyway…

"Michael Valentine, I challenge you to a card game!" said Ted. "And what's more, I'm gonna beat your bleached blonde butt to the Shadow Realm!" But you don't even have a Millennium Item…

"A man winning a children's card game?" asked Jo. "That's even crazier than _children_ winning children's card games!" Tell that to the writing staff of the original! Or your canon counterparts!

"Didn't he beat you in the second chapter?" asked Trista. Whoa, wait. So _Trista_ has better memory than Yugi?

"Do you wanna go back in the box?" asked Jo.

"Please don't send me back there!" said Trista. Hmm… I ought to threaten her with that next time she gets out of line… anyway…

Ted and Michael took their places at the dueling arena.

_Hmm,_ thought Ted. _Which of my painfully adorable monsters should I use first?_ Said monsters were Pichu, Togepi, Mimikyu, and Jigglypuff. Wait. Hold on. I gave him _Pokémon_ cards! Agh, let me change that…

"Whatever you do, Ted," said Jo, "don't use cards from the wrong card game! Remember that one time you mistook Magic the Gathering cards for Duel Monsters cards?" That was _my_ doing…

"Face it, kid," said Michael, "you don't stand a chance against me! You're just a cheerleader who stumbled his way into the big leagues. If I were you, I would quit right now."

"I won't give up!" said Ted. "I'm going to beat you, Michael, and when I do, it will prove that the heart of the cards is _real!_ " What?

_I'm serious,_ said Ted. Um…

"I summon Shining Friendship!" said Ted. "It symbolizes the bond I share with my friends! That's why it's so small and fragile." It's also about as sturdy as my sanity at this point…

"Go, Harpy Lady!" said Michael. "Destroy Shining Friendship!"

"Nothing can destroy friendship!" said Ted. "It's the most powerful force in the universe!"

"Second only to the stabbing force of a butter knife," muttered Jo.

"I surrender," said Michael. "This fic is getting terrible. Even discounting Yugi being out-of-character…" He left the duel arena.

"Victory is mine!" said Ted. Great. Annoying your enemies into submission. What an honorable way to duel.

"This duel has given me new-found inspiration!" said Yugi. "After all, if someone as worthless as Ted can win a card game, this tournament should be a piece of cake!" Actually, you're not annoying enough to use Ted's techniques. You'll have to win the hard way.

Later, at the entrance to the castle…

"Pegasus' castle," said Michael. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." With that, he opened the door. He, Yugi, and Jo managed to enter the door, but before the others could, Kemo stopped them.

"Attention duelists!" said Kemo. "You guys are not duelists! I'll need to see your identification!"

"Um, crap," said Ted. "This better not lead to…"

"You don't need to see their identification," said Michael, waving his hand in front of Kemo.

"I don't need to see their identification," said Kemo.

"These aren't the stragglers you're looking for."

"These aren't the stragglers I'm looking for."

"Move along."

"…a Star Wars reference…" said Ted. I feel ya, Ted. I feel ya.

Inside the castle entrance…

"Come on, gang," said Yugi. "Let's go rescue the not-so-faceless old woman who not-so-secretly lives in my home!"

Unfortunately for our main characters, they met Bandit Kate.

"Bandit Kate, you no-good little - !" said Jo. "This is for trapping me inside of a cave! With creepy rhyming twins!" She tried to punch Kate. Key word: _tried._ She blocked Jo's punch effortlessly.

"You punch like someone who isn't American," said Kate. You asshat! I'm American, and I'm not xenophobic! What's it to ya, you walking stereotype?!

_You're clearly not American,_ said Kate.

Oh, so I'm not American because I respect people?! You're even worse than I thought! You are not only a walking stereotype, you actively perpetuate this bullcrap! Anyway, before I lose my _fucking_ mind…

"How come you're so strong and agile?" asked Jo.

"I modeled myself after the greatest American hero of all time: Hulk Hogan!" said Kate.

Our main characters (and Bandit Kate) turned and looked down at the dueling arena. The arena was occupied.

"Look!" said Yugi. "Kaiba's dueling Pegasus!"

"But they're both villains!" said Jo. "Who're we supposed to root for?"

"Well," said Yugi, "Pegasus did kidnap Grandma, but Kaiba cheated in a card game, and that's the worst thing anyone can do." You sure you haven't mixed up felony and misdemeanor?

"The circle is now complete," said Kaiba. "When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master." Why are you making references to Star Wars if you don't even _like_ it…?

"Only a master of card games, Kaiba-girl," said Pegasus. "Now I activate Toon World!" Oh, geez. As if I don't have _enough_ of a headache…

"A grown woman who watches cartoons?" asked Kaiba. "That's almost as insane as a grown woman playing a children's card game!" Or a grown woman aping a grown man's parody of a cartoon about children's card games in a half-assed attempt to "improve" it…

"Toon World allows me to change your monsters into cheap imitations! It's rather like what 4Kids did to this show. Come forth, Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon!"

"What is this, Five Nights at Freddy's?" asked Kaiba. "It isn't even that great of a game. And your OC sucks." You mean you've played it?

_Shut up, okay?_ said Kaiba. _At least I haven't made a whole series of videos talking about theories I made because I read way too much into it!_

Anyway, she drew a card. "I'm placing all my faith in this one card, and my faith rewards me with Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Now it's time for the ultimate cartoon showdown! Japanese animation versus American animation – "

"Hey, you can't use that word!" said Kate. "It belongs to America! Only Americans are allowed to – "

"Shut _up,_ " said Kaiba. I feel ya, Kaiba. I feel ya.

_Stop sympathizing with me!_ said Kaiba.

"You forgot one important detail, Kaiba-girl!" said Pegasus. "Japanese cartoons tend to be a lot slower than their American counterparts! It's over, Kaiba-girl! I have the high ground!"

"Her dragon dodged my attack!" said Kaiba. "I haven't been this disappointed since I watched the final Game of Thrones episode."

"Now, I'm going to remove your soul from your body, leaving you a shell of your former self," said Pegasus. "In other words, I'm killing you."

"Man, that duel was really boring!" said Jo. "It was like waiting for George R. R. Martin to publish a new Song of Ice and Fire book!"

"Let's complain about it!" said Trista.


	16. Bakura, Trista, and Ted's Excellent Adventure

"Ladies and gentlemen, behold!" said Croquet. "In order to take part in the semi-finals, you will each need to hold one of these two cards." He held up two cards, one blank, one with a picture of gold and jewels.

_Man!_ thought Jo. _I don't have either of those cards! How am I supposed to win the prize money now?_

Yugi held one of the cards towards Jo. "Hey Jo!" she said. "Betcha wish you had one of these!"

"Yug!" said Jo. "Are you giving me that card?"

"Well, I would, but then I remembered the time you stole a piece of my Millennium Puzzle," said Yugi. "So I figured, no, you don't get my card. And if you believed all that, you don't understand sarcasm."

"Give me the freakin' card!" said Jo.

That night…

"Good night, everyone!" said Bakura. "I hope my evil psycho alter-ego doesn't wake up in the middle of the night and kill any of you, because that tends to happen a lot!"

"Go to sleep, you freak," said Ted.

"Guys, is it just me, or is Bandit Kate trying to stalk us?" asked Jo.

"Oh, just ignore her," said Yugi.

Meanwhile, further down the hallway…

"This outfit is the perfect camouflage!" said Kate. "I'm just like a chameleon. An American chameleon." Most American chameleons are far quieter than that. Of course, you're also sneaking up on a bunch of idiots, but that's nothing new.

And now we look at Michael for no good reason.

Meanwhile, in Jo's room, she was talking in her sleep. "No, R2, don't eat the spaghetti!" she said. "It'll mess up your circuits!" Well, what do you know? The sleeptalking rumors are more substantiated than I thought!

In Yugi's room, she thought to herself, _Man, what a night. I wonder if Ted is thinking about me right now._

In Ted's room, he thought to himself, _Man, what a night. I wonder if Yugi's sexy alter ego is thinking about me right now…_

Somebody knocked on the door.

_It's her!_ thought Ted. _She's come for me. I knew she couldn't resist me for long._ Shut it. Revolutionshipping isn't happening. Anyway, he opened the door. Just then, he noticed that it was _not,_ in fact, Yami in the doorway, but Bakura and Trista. "Oh, it's just you two."

"We had a bad dream, can we sleep with you tonight?" asked Trista.

"I don't want to sleep with a boy!" said Bakura.

"Nobody cares what you want!" said Trista.

"…agirlinsearchof does…" murmured Bakura. Aww…

"I've been thinking," said Trista (uh-oh). "I don't know about you two, but I'm not happy being just a minor character. We never get any pagetime. All we do is stand around in the background and watch people play card games. Nobody even sees us! It's time we took matters into our own hands and made a name for ourselves as main characters." Oh man, a filler chapter!

Bakura was bored out of her skull.

"That's dangerous talk, Trista," said Ted. "We can't risk upsetting the natural order. Who knows what could happen?"

"I don't care," said Trista. "All I know is that we deserve to have our very own episode. So while the main characters are asleep, we're going to have an adventure. It'll be just like The Goonies!"

"Can I be Corey Feldman?" asked Bakura.

"No, I'm Corey Feldman!" said Trista.

"But you're always Corey Feldman!" said Bakura. "When do I get to be Corey Feldman?"

"Shut up," said Trista. "From now on, your name is Chunk."

"Can I be River Phoenix?" asked Ted.

"River Phoenix wasn't in The Goonies," said Trista.

"He wasn't?" asked Ted. "Then which one was the movie where they all went to find a dead body?"

"That's Stand By Me," said Trista.

"Oh," said Ted. "Hey, guys, can we go find a dead body?" he asked.

" _Excellent!_ " said Trista, doing an air-guitar gesture. "That sounds good to me!"

"Or my name isn't Ted 'Theodore' Gardner!" said Ted. Now all we need is an idiot in a crop top.

_I'm surrounded by wankers,_ thought Bakura. I feel ya, Bakura. I feel ya.

Meanwhile, in Yugi's room, she was asleep. Aww…

Just then, she heard a voice, waking her up.

_Yugi… Yugi… oh, just wake up, for God's sake!_

"Grandma, is that you?" asked Yugi. "We haven't heard from you since the second chapter!"

_Of course it's me, you fool,_ said Grandma Muto. _Who else do you know who talks like this?!_

"Well, could you please keep it down? I'm trying to sleep!" said Yugi.

_Yu-u-ugi-i-i… follow my increasingly annoying voice…_ said Grandma Muto.

"This had better be good," said Yugi. "I was dreaming about card games."

_Yu-u-ugi-i-i…_

"And stop saying my name!"

Meanwhile, between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"Okay, it's been ten minutes and I haven't seen a single dead body," said Ted. "I'm starting to think this whole idea was stupid."

"Hey, we can use this rope to hang Bakura!" said Trista, the asshat. She took a rope off the wall. "Then _she'll_ be a dead body!"

"That never happened in The Goonies!" protested Bakura.

"Well, it should have." You know what? This should be a time-travel chapter. You know what? Let me do that.

_No!_ said Ted. _That would be_ bogus! _Very not excellent!_

And now we look at Michael for no good reason. Again.

Meanwhile – oh, goddamnit, Kate is demanding that I do this. Fine. We look at Kate for no good reason. And she also wants me to tell you that she's single. Probably because she's a rude, boorish asshat who is addicted to gambling and alcohol.

Meanwhile, outside…

"Grandma, where are you?" asked Yugi.

"I'm down here, you ungrateful little punk!" said Grandma Muto, who was stuck in a card. Kinda like ARC-V, only not very well-explored. "Hey, how's it going?"

Yugi picked up the card. "Grandma, are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not okay, you put me in a home!"

"What? No, I didn't!" said Yugi.

"Yes, you did!" said Grandma Muto. "You couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, so you had me sent away! I swear, kids these days, they have no respect for their elders."

"Grandma, you're not in a home!" said Yugi. "You've been kidnapped."

"What?" asked Grandma Muto.

"Pegasus put your soul in a card, and now she's forcing me to duel her in a tournament to rescue you."

"What?"

"Grandma, is your hearing aid switched on?" asked Yugi.

"What? Just a second, I think my hearing aid isn't switched on."

"Ungh!" Yugi punched the ground, foolishly. "And now my hand is broken." The card flew away from Yugi's hand. No, it wasn't the impact of punching the ground. Some supernatural bullshit caused the card to fly.

"Whoooa, Nelly!" said Grandma Muto.

Grandma's card joined two other cards, one with a picture of Mokuno and the other with a picture of Kaiba.

Yugi suddenly woke up. "Gah!" she said. "This is a *BLEEP*ing bizarre episode!" I feel ya, Yugi. I feel ya.

_What's with all the inconsistent swearing, anyway?_ asked Yugi. _Sometimes it gets bleeped out, which doesn't work for fanfics, and other times, we're allowed to swear uncensored? What's the deal here?_

Shut up! Anyway

Meanwhile, in Pegasus' room…

"Oh, my! Look!" said Bakura. There was a portrait of a blond man in a lavender suit in the room.

"He's beautiful," said Ted. "Who do you suppose it is?"

"Maybe he's Pegasus' husband!" said Bakura.

"No, seriously, who do you suppose it is?"

A wild Pegasus appeared! "What are you three doing here?" she asked. "This room is for main characters only."

"Oh no, it's One-Eyed Willy!" said Trista. "She's come to protect her treasure!"

"I'm afraid you've all seen too much!" said Pegasus. "I can't have people thinking I'm straight. So I'm just going to have to eliminate you!" With that, she used her Millennium Eye to somehow… make the floor melt? Anyway, our minor characters fell through the floor.

"I knew trying to be a main character was a bad idea!" said Bakura.

"This is all your fault, Chunk!" said Trista.

"Ugh, what happened?" asked Bakura.

"Can you guys hear chanting?" asked Ted.

Indeed, there was chanting. The chanting went "Ooga chaka, ooga chaka, ooga ooga ooga chaka" over and over again. Oh, and we're in the past. _Excellent!_ Unfortunately, I can't do the air-guitar thing, since I have no corporeal form.

Pegasus herself was singing over the chanting. "I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, oooh! Boy you just don't realize, what you do to me…"

"Holy *BLEEP* on a *BLEEP* sandwich with *BLEEP* on top!" exclaimed Trista.

"This is the funkiest satanic ritual I've ever seen," said Bakura.

The chanting stopped.

"How dare you interrupt my big musical number!" said Pegasus. "I'm so cross I think I'll send you to the Shadow Realm!"

"She wants a virgin sacrifice!" exclaimed Trista. Um, that's the wrong – "Quick, Ted, have sex with me! It's the only way to stop her!"

"Hell no, I'm saving myself for Yugi! I mean marriage." Or, you know, both.

"It's useless to resist," said Pegasus. "After all, you're just minor characters, making you totally expendable!" She activated her Millennium Eye. Just then…

"What's this?" asked Pegasus. Bakura's Millennium Ring activated. "I sense a main character inside Bakura's Millennium Ring!"

"That's right, Pegasus!" said Yami Bakura. "And now, I'm going to use my powers to pretend this episode never even happened! That's just how evil I am!" With that, Yami Bakura used the power of Fanon Discontinuity to reset the chapter so that it could be safely ignored. Hmm… we have a powerful foe on our hands… perhaps Millennium Item users have narrator powers too? I'm scared… especially after my first narration gig… hopefully Yami forgot, too…

Trista awoke, safe in her room. "What a nightmare!" she said. "I dreamed I spent the whole night putting up with Bakura! How bogus!"

Jo, back in her room, was snoring. Bandit Kate entered the room.

"You snooze, you lose, dweeb," said Kate. She took the card Yugi gave Jo earlier. The bastard. "I claim this card in the name of America." 

And now we look at Michael once again. For no good reason.

Now we look at Bakura for no good – you know what, let's continue this next week.

_Oh, bugger, it's the end of the chapter,_ she said.


	17. Keeping Up with the Duelists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the not too distant future! Next Sunday, A.D.! There were a pair of OCs, not too different from you or me!

"Black and Decker's automatic shutoff iron. Because even those with the best memories can forget to turn their irons off." The screen turned to static for a bit. A man pointed to a car, saying, "In America!" More static. A man sat at a desk. "I was so impressed, I bought the company," he said. Yet more static. A superhero tapped cards on a desk. Even more static. These TVs suck, okay?

An eyecatch of a spinning Millennium Puzzle showed on the screen. "Yo-o-ou're watching the Card Game Channel! Where we bring you all the hottest dueling action from across the globe!" exclaimed the announcer. "Tonight, we're bringing you live coverage of the Duelist Kingdom semi-finals! I can barely contain my excitement! Who will be the next Queen of Games? We'll find out right after this commercial! Don't you go anywhere, now."

"Man," said Selena. "These commercials suck! Back-to-back commercial breaks?!"

"I know," said Dawn. "It's almost like they didn't care."

Another commercial played.

"Have you been injured in an accident during a card game that wasn't your fault? Suffered damages at the hands of your opponent? Do you like to blame other people for your clumsiness? If so, give us a call at 1-800-DUELINSURANCE, and we'll fix the problem by throwing a lot of money around. Duel Insurance, because nothing heals pain quite like money."

"Yeesh, who knew children's card games were so deadly?" said Selena. "I sure am glad we aren't main characters."

"Yep!" said Dawn.

"We're back, and the Duelist Kingdom semifinals are underway," said the announcer. "It looks like Yugi Muto is struggling to defeat Michael Valentine, and who can blame her? Michael Valentine is a seasoned competitor with a long list of victories. Let's take a look at his dueling history. First, he faced Jo Wheeler… and lost. Then he went up against Panik… and lost. His last match before entering the finals was against Ted Gardner, which, of course, he must have won. Oh, my mistake. He surrendered. I think I speak for everyone when I ask, 'What's wrong with this picture?'"

"Of _course_ they play up his losses," grumbled Selena. "That's what they always do in these female-dominated tournaments. I mean, come on, he _had_ to have won at least three times, assuming he bet all his star chips the first two times and at least two the third time."

"I know, right?" said Dawn. "So frustrating."

"I summon Harpy's Pet Dragon!" said Michael.

"You wanna play rough?" asked Yami. "Okay, say hello to my little friend!" With that, she summoned Kuriboh.

"This could be a critical misjudgment on the part of the young up-and-comer with the ridiculous hairdo. Michael's dragon could destroy that Kuriboh with ease. I wonder what his next move will be?"

"I surrender," said Michael.

"Yeah, that Michael Valentine. He's a great duelist, all right," said the announcer sarcastically.

"Oh, come on, that _had_ to be edited!" yelled Selena. "It's just like *BLEEP*ing reality TV!"

"We now take you to a pre-recorded interview with one of the top players in the Duelist Kingdom tournament, Mako Tsunami."

Mako was in front of the ocean.

"Ms. Tsunami, Ms. Tsunami!" said the interviewer. "Is there any truth to the rumor that Yugi Muto refused to interview you because you're a freaky fish lady?"

"I am not a freaky fish lady!" said Mako, as the screen labeled her as "Local Fisher/Freaky Fish Lady." "And for your information, I fed her Dark Magician to my Fiend Kraken! It was just like the ending to Pirates of the Caribbean 2, except this was actually satisfying!"

"In that case," said the interviewer, "why is she entered into the finals while you're out here on the beach talking to yourself?"

"I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to the ocean!" said Mako.

"Oh… okay…" said the interviewer, slightly freaked out.

"The ocean and I are getting married," said Mako. "Isn't that right, ocean?" The ocean was silent, as it should be. "The ocean says yes," she said.

Cut to the duel arena.

"We're back to live action," said the announcer, "and Bandit Kate's Barrel Dragon is causing Jo Wheeler big problems!"

"I summon Copycat!" said Jo. "It gives me the power to copy your catchphrase… in America!"

"Hey, that's my joke!" protested Kate. "It only works when I say, 'In America'. It loses all meaning when you say it!"

"Nyeeeeh?" asked Jo, sticking her finger in her ear in a "cleaning my ears" gesture. "What's that? I couldn't hear you. I was too busy being American."

"You're not American!" said Kate. "You aren't even wearing a flag on your head!" Yes, of course. Because we _all_ do. Even those of us who don't. Strike two against me being American.

"You're right!" said Jo. "I must have left it back home… in America!"

Two security guards dragged Kate away, her struggling the whole way. Take that, douche!

"Uh-oh!" said the announcer. "It looks like Bandit Kate has snapped, and she's being forced to abandon the duel!"

Kate ran back. "I won't go down without a fight!" said Kate. "Pegasus, I pledge allegiance to your death, you sorry excuse for an American!" She pointed at Pegasus.

"Oh no, invisible guns," said Selena sarcastically. "What _ever_ shall they do?"

"I learned this trick from watching Saturday morning cartoons," said Pegasus, activating a trap door.

Kate fell through a hole to a cliff outside the castle. She screamed. In America. She hit the water. Karma's a bitch, huh?

"And on that note, let's go to a commercial," said the announcer.

" _Another_ commercial?!" said Selena. "This is worse than Crunchyroll!"

"Next week, on a very special episode of Zorc and Pals…"

"Zorc, what's wrong?" asked Yami Bakura. "Why haven't you destroyed the world?"

"Because I have a terminal disease," said Zorc.

"But you can't _die!_ " said Yami Bakura. "What about our adopted daughter? Who's going to take care of her when you're gone?"

"She also has a terminal disease!" said Zorc.

"Don't miss this very special award-winning episode of Zorc and Pals, because we really need the ratings."

" _Really?_ Some cheap publicity stunt?" asked Selena. "I am never watching the Card Game Channel again!"

"You're watching the Card Game Channel," said the announcer. "We show card games, and that's about it. This match will decide everything! One of these women will return home with either three million dollars in prize money or the prestige of being the new Queen of Games. But no matter who wins this duel, in the end, they're both losers. I mean winners. Yeah, winners."

"This is it, Yug," said Jo. "Only one of us can win this tournament. And even though you're my best friend, I'm not gonna hold back. I'm gonna give it my all. And what's more, I'm gonna beat you!"

"Like hell!"

"Nyeh?"

"Face it, Jo, you're a terrible duelist!" said Yami. "You only got this far because I've been telling you how to win all the time! I mean, come on, you've got Baby Dragon in your deck. Baby freaking Dragon! The prize money probably won't be enough for your sister's eye surgery anyway! Mind crush!"

"Nyeeeh!"

"And now, a word from our sponsors," said the announcer.

"Your own personal deck – ten dollars. A brand-spanking-new Duel Disk system – thirty dollars. Bribing the school bully so he won't beat you up for playing card games – fifty dollars. Activating Swords of Revealing Light so your opponent is unable to attack your life points directly, leaving him wide open for a frontal assault on all his monsters – priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's KaibaCorp."

"Freaking KaibaCorp," muttered Dawn under her breath.

"What's wrong with them?" asked Selena.

"They're freaking everywhere in this city," said Dawn. "It'd be one thing if it were just gaming, but they've got the weirdest stuff branded with their logo – computer systems, theme parks, weapons of mass destruction, _milk!_ I swear, they're attempting a monopoly on everything!"

"Wait, _weapons of mass destruction?!_ " asked Selena. "Don't you mean children's trading cards?"

"No, actual, literal weapons of mass destruction," said Dawn. "I was here when the old CEO was around. I was honestly kinda scared that we had a weapons manufacturer _right here_ in the city. But ever since the old CEO died and the new one took over, she seemed determined to make everything _but_ weapons of mass destruction. Well, weapons of mass destruction that aren't children's trading cards. I'm relieved, but suspicious of the circumstances. The old CEO jumps out a window, her daughter, only sixteen, takes over, there are rumors she herself drove her to suicide, what happened?"

"Sounds like shenanigans are happening," said Selena. "Game of Thrones-style shenanigans. Nepotism and murder, insane."

"Okay, everyone in this fic needs to stop it with the Game of Thrones references," said Dawn. "They aren't funny anymore."

"We now return to our live feed from the Duelist Kingdom, and it looks as though the finalists have something to say to each other."

Jo handed over the card Yugi gave her last chapter. "Here, Yug," she said. "Since I lost the tournament, it's only right that you get the prize money."

Yugi pushed the card back at Jo. "No, Jo. You take it. How else are you going to afford professional therapy after suffering such a humiliating defeat at my hands?"

Jo sniffed. "This is the happiest moment of my life." She sniffed again. "Now to get to paying for the surgery for my brother."

"The semifinals are over," said the announcer, "but the final round of the tournament is just around the corner! Don't touch that remote! We'll be right back with more card game action, right after this commercial!"

"What do they mean, 'just around the corner?'" asked Selena. "With all these effing commercials, it'll probably be closer to a goddamn _week_ before they finally finish airing them!"

"No, closer to a month," said Dawn. "It's the _duels_ that take a week!"

And if you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, just repeat to yourself, "It's just a fic, I should really just re _lax!_ For Mystery Yu-Gi-Oh! Theater 3000!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured it would be funny to have a framing device for this chapter, considering that the episode plays out like a TV show episode. So have some Mystery Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Theater 3000! All we would need now are robots and having Selena and Dawn's boss dislike them enough to shoot them into space!


	18. Total Eclipse of the Plot

_My grandma's deck has served me well, but if I'm going to beat Pegasus, I'm going to have to remember everything Grandma ever taught me about card games,_ thought Yugi. Flashback time!

_"Playing card games is just like making love," said Grandma Muto. "You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is, and if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games."_ That's the most bizarre metaphor I've seen. Also, whatever kinda sex ed she got was bad. Anyway, let's end the shortest flashback in this series.

_Hmm,_ thought Yugi, looking down at her deck. _I should probably wash my hands before using these._ ...Indeed.

Later, at the dueling arena…

"The final round of the Duelist Kingdom tournament shall now commence," said Croquet. "Will Yugi Muto please enter the duel arena?"

Yugi did exactly that.

"I'm bored," said Trista.

Jo patted Trista on the shoulder. "Hush, Trista. This crappy tournament will be over soon."

"Hey, Jo," said Ted, "let's ditch Trista and Bakura."

"Duh, okay," said Jo, foolishly. With that, they left for the sake of this plot.

"I can't believe they just ditched us like that!" said Bakura. "I mean, you'd have to be a total arsehole to walk out on someone when – hey, where are you going?"

"I'm ditching you too, because you smell," said Trista. "Bye!" She ran off. Jackass.

_Run while you can, fool,_ thought Yami Bakura. _Soon, I shall rule the world. And then we'll see who smells… it'll be you._ Whatever.

"And now, introducing the creator of card games! Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Ms. Millicent Pegasus!"

"Excellent," said Pegasus. "Soon, my evil plan to steal an object from a small child will be complete!"

"You mean you arranged this whole tournament just to steal my Millennium Puzzle?" asked Yami.

"Exactly," said Pegasus.

"Did you even consider just _asking_ me for it?" she asked. "I mean, do you have any idea how much time and money you've wasted with this whole façade? People have died because you wanted a necklace! I killed a cosplaying clown, for Ra's sake!" Yeah, you're right.

"Look, are you going to play a children's card game with me or not?" asked Pegasus.

"I suppose I might as well," said Yami.

Meanwhile, in the dungeon…

"This heavy suit of armor is perfect for sneaking around!" said Trista. I know. The clacking of your feet on the floor will _totally_ disguise your location. _Surely_ nothing could possibly go wrong.

"Did I hear something just now?" asked a security guard. "Nah, must have been the wind. Yeah, that's definitely the sound wind makes." It also makes perfect sense for wind to blow underground. Just like how it makes perfect sense to set up an overly-complex plan with multiple opportunities for failure in order to obtain a priceless artifact. Pegasus didn't even have an ante rule to make sure that she would get the artifact no matter what. I mean, Yugi _could_ just refuse to hand it over, like she refused to hand over the Exodia cards that I _totally_ didn't forget about.

"My voice gives me super strength!" said Trista, knocking the guard unconscious. "But it also helps that I'm wearing a suit of armor." She spotted someone in a cell.

"Hey, it's Mokuno!" said Trista. "If I rescue her, then I'll be a hero, and then the ladies will be all over me!" She took a set of keys conveniently placed on the floor near her and unlocked the cell. "Score!"

Meanwhile, in the dueling arena…

"Yes, what is it?" asked Croquet.

"There's been a breach!" said a security guard. "Mokuno Kaiba has escaped!"

"I thought I told you never to call me at this number."

"But I miss you! It feels like we've grown so far apart!"

"That's because I don't love you anymore." Oh, man. I need to see how this ends! Why do I keep getting distracted by homoerotic romantic subplots…? Subplots that don't even _lead_ anywhere, for goodness' sake? This is like one of those romances chucked in last-minute in an action movie! But on with the story.

_Sounds like Trista found Mokuno,_ thought Yami Bakura. _I think I'll pay her a little visit._ She chuckled as she headed off to the dungeon.

"Where are you going?" asked Jo.

Yami Bakura paused. Continuing to face the same direction, but speaking in a bad British accent imitating her host's, she said, "Um… I have to go do British things. Like drink cups of tea and eat bangers and mash. That sort of thing. Because I'm British." Wow. Way to stereotype British people!

"Oh, okay," said Jo, foolishly believing Yami Bakura.

"Look!" said Ted. "I think something exciting is happening!"

Yami and Pegasus were talking. Something like, "Blah blah, card games blah," "Blah blah blah, attack mode blah," "Blah blah blah?", "Blaaahhh." I don't know, I'm not a children's card game expert! I'm only the narrator!

"Oops, my mistake," said Ted.

Meanwhile, in the dungeon…

"We've got you surrounded," said a security guard. How many damn guards does this tournament need? "Now give the girl to us."

"Over Mokuno's dead body!" said Trista, who was carrying Mokuno's dead body. Who woulda thunk it.

"Lay one finger on the girl and you mortals will rue the day you were ever born!"

"Bakura, don't be a hero!" said Trista. "They have invisible guns!"

"And we're not afraid to use them!" said another security guard.

"Well, I have something far more powerful than invisible guns!" Yami Bakura held up a spell card, Chain Energy.

"There's no such thing!" said the guard.

"Why don't you see for yourself, then?" asked Yami Bakura. You fool, what's a children's trading card gonna – oh, I see. The card activated by the power of Deus Ex Machina, resulting in the guards being chained up. Don't ask me why, I'm just the narrator.

"Well, whaddaya know? She was right."

"Now I just feel silly."

"Bakura!" said Trista. "I had no idea you were Spider-Man!"

"That's because I'm not," said Yami Bakura. "Now, follow me. We have to get out of here."

"You mean… you're not Spider-Man?" asked Trista.

"No, I'm not – " But Trista looked pathetically sad. Well, no harm in humoring her, she supposed. "Okay, yes, I'm Spider-Man. Happy? Now will you just follow me?"

"Hooray, I'm friends with Spider-Man!" said Trista. Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a duelist can! Creates a chain, any size, catches foes, just like flies, watch out! Here comes the Spider-Man...

Meanwhile, in the dueling arena…

"Introducing the fabulous Toon Summoned Skull!" said Pegasus.

"It's just like something out of HP Lovecraft, only lame!" said Yami. Oh yeah? If a lipsticked eldritch abomination is lame, what does that make you, Little Miss I-Wear-Eyeliner-All-The-Time?

_Egyptian!_ said Yami.

If you're Egyptian, why are you Japanese?

_Oh my god, agirlinsearchof, you can't just_ ask _people why they're Japanese!_ said Yami.

Meanwhile, in the dungeon (thank goodness I took my warpsickness medication)…

"Is she strong? Listen, bud, she's got radioactive blood. Look out! There goes the Spider-Man!"

"Oh, stop it!" said Yami Bakura.

Back in the dueling arena…

"You can't possibly win, Yugi-girl," said Pegasus. "With my Millennium Eye, I can see into the very recesses of your mind, showing me every card in your deck!"

_She's right,_ said Yugi. _We can't win like this. Our only hope is to switch minds. That way, she won't be able to predict our strategy._

_Couldn't I just mind crush her?_ asked Yami.

_You can't just fix all your problems by mind crushing people!_ said Yugi.

_Oh, come on, just one little mind crush, it'll barely hurt her,_ said Yami.

_No! Bad Pharaoh! No mind crush!_ said Yugi. You go, Yug!

_You never let me have my way, do you?_ asked Yami.

"And now, I'm going to take this duel to the Shadow Realm!" said Pegasus. Whoo boy. A fate worse than death? Over a _necklace?!_ I suppose this is what I get for narrating a fic about children's card games. Everyone acts like the children who are supposed to be playing them!

_See?_ asked Yami. _This wouldn't be happening if I had just mind crushed her!_

_Listen, miss, do you need a time-out?_ asked Yugi.

Meanwhile, at Selena's house…

"Oh, come on! Why'd they censor out the duel?" asked Selena.

Meanwhile, back in the dungeon…

"Hand over the girl, Trista, or I'll swallow your soul!" said Yami Bakura.

"But… why?" asked Trista.

"Ever since Yugi defeated me in a card game, I've been looking for a new body. One without a soul," explained Yami Bakura. "Mokuno's should do just fine."

"But… why?"

"Because I'm evil!"

"But… why?"

"I don't know, I'm just evil! What do you expect?" I dunno, some character motivation?

"But… why?"

"Well, I suppose my parents never loved me enough. They were always dressing me like a boy. Did you know they wanted to call me Florian? Who names a girl Florian? Idiots, that's who! And I'll tell you another thing – "

"Look out, flying Mokuno!" said Trista, in an unexpected stroke of genius. Well, genius might be overstating it...

"What the deuce?" asked Florentius.

"My voice knows kung-fu!" said Trista. She knocked Florian to the floor.

"Oh, bugger," said Florian.

"And now to defeat the evil villain once and for all by throwing her carelessly in a random direction," said Trista. "Go, Millennium Frisbee!" That... that might be a particularly young Mary Sue's idea of an eighth Millennium Item...

Florian let out a long, extended, "No!" After which, she said, "I'll be back."

"I'm bored again," said Trista. If boredom gets you to get rid of villains, I just might have to bore you more often! Who knows, perhaps the power of Trista Taylor's voice could cut this fic short and I can go narrate a _good_ fic!

Back in the dueling arena…

"My nipples are sensing that Yugi is in great danger," said Ted.

"Mine too!" said Jo. Um, you guys…? Nobody in anime has nipples. I don't get what you're talking about.

Trista returned, carrying Mokuno over her shoulder. "Hey guys, you'll never guess what I've been doing!"

"We don't care," said Jo. Wow. More focused on the duel you can't effing see than your friend you can see, huh? I see how it is.

Meanwhile, in the bubble of Shadow Realm that formed around the arena…

"Your mind shuffle strategy won't work against me here, Yugi-girl," said Pegasus. "That weak body of yours can't survive in the Shadow Realm."

_She's right,_ said Yugi. _I can feel my life force being drained away. It's like I'm watching an Uwe Boll movie. Spirit, you have to take over for me. I'm too weak…_

_Oh, come on, you can hold out a little more,_ said Yami.

_No, really,_ said Yugi. _I think I might be dying here._

_Don't be such a drama queen,_ said Yami.

_Spirit… tell Ted… I love him…_

_No! Yugi!_ said Yami. _You can't be dead! If you were dead, there would be a Major Character Death tag! Yugi! Yugi!_

Meanwhile, outside the Bubble of Doom…

Our three other main characters came to realizations.

"Holy crap!"

"Nyeh!"

"I'm hungry!"

"I felt a disturbance," said Jo. "As if Yugi cried out in terror, and was suddenly silenced."

"She needs our help!" said Ted. "Remember the friendship pact we made in the first episode?"

"How could we forget?" asked Trista. "It took _weeks_ to get that stuff off my hand."

"Yugi, wherever you are, we believe in you!" said Ted.

"Never give up, no matter what happens!" said Jo.

"And could you possibly bring me something to eat?" asked Trista. "Maybe some French fried potatoes?"

Inside the Bubble of Doom…

"Poor Pharaoh-girl," said Pegasus. "Without Yugi, your mind is an open book. Now, let's see what cards you're holding!" Then, something rather contrived happened. "What in the name of Liberace is happening? Yugi's friends! They're stopping me from reading her mind! This is inconceivable, not to mention extremely cheesy!"

"Pegasus!" said mind-Ted. "You'll never understand the importance of friendship!"

"As long as Yugi has us, she'll always have the strength to fight!" said mind-Jo.

"I'm just here for the food!" said mind-Trista.

"And now, I summon a bunch of other Abridged fics!" said Yami. "Now that I'm not focusing on the duel, I can beat you!"

"No! There's so many of them! I can't tell which one is Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! The Abridged Series!" said Pegasus.

"And that means you'll never be able to read Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! Abridged ever again!" said Yami.

"No!" said Pegasus. "I can't live without Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! The Abridged Series! It's so important to me!"

"Don't worry, Pegasus!" said Yami. "There's always Naruko: The Abridged Series! But as everyone knows, that's just not quite as good!"

"Oh, no!"

Now that the Bubble of Doom is gone…

"Yug, you won!" said Jo. "I mean, you really – "

"Back off, she's mine!" said Ted. Turning to Yugi, she said, "Um, Yugi, I just have this one thing to say." Singing, he said, "Did you ever know that you're my heeerooo…"

"Yeah, thanks, Ted. Anyway, we should probably go – "

"'Cause you are the wind beneath my wiiings." Pause. "Okay, I'm done."

"Let's go rescue Grandma!" said Yugi.

"Hey!" said Bakura. "How the bloody hell did I get up here? And what in the name of buggery happened to my Millennium Ring?"

"I threw it away because it was evil!" said Trista.

"That was a prized family heirloom, you giant wanker!" said Bakura.

"But it was evil!" said Trista. "If Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees got married and had a baby, your ring would be the baby!"

"Freddy would never marry Jason!" said Jo. "Besides, Freddy's already married… to his job."

Our main characters, minus Bakura, ran away.

But of course, Bakura was Florian. _Now that Pegasus is weakened by her duel with Yugi, it'll be the perfect time to steal her Millennium Eye! By the way, if you're wondering how I managed to get my ring back, then I'm just as confused as you are! I think I returned via the Plot Hole created by Weevil! Watch out, Pegasus! Florentius is back!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked in the word "arsehole" solely because I could.
> 
> And did you know I wanted to call her Florentius? Who names a character Florentius? Pretentious idiots, that's who!
> 
> In all seriousness, though, I hadn't heard of the name Florian up until I started posting this chapter. I thought it flowed better than Florentius.


	19. Journey to the Center of Yugi's Mind

All right, now to wrap up this effing arc…

In Pegasus' room…

"I can't believe I failed!" said Pegasus. "All I wanted to do was steal an ancient Egyptian artifact, seize control of a billion-dollar company, and resurrect my dead husband. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling – "

"Don't you even _think_ about making a Scooby-Doo reference!" said Florian.

"What do you want, Bakura?" asked Pegasus. "Can't you see I'm feeling distinctly _un_ fabulous?"

"I want your Millennium Eye, so I'm challenging you to a Shadow Game," explained Florian.

"But I don't have any cards!" said Pegasus. Where'd you leave your deck, then, you simpleton?

"Cards?" asked Florentius. "Where we're going, we don't need cards! We're going to do battle with ancient Egyptian laser beams!" Her Millennium Ring shot out a laser, as did Pegasus' Millennium Eye. No joke. This actually happens in the show. Not in the manga, though. Incidentally, the manga was better.

Anyway, Florian won.

"Hey, Pegasus, remember how I said I was going to kill you last?"

"That's right, Bakura, you did!"

"I lied."

"No! Don't take my Millennium Eye! It goes so well with my outfit!" A surprisingly comical "pop" sound occurred as Florentius pulled an eye out. Notice I said _an_ eye, not _the Millennium Eye._ Pegasus screamed surprisingly mildly. "That's the wrong eyeball, you fool!"

"Oh…" said Florian. "Sorry." She pulled out the Millennium Eye, with an identical "pop" sound. There we go, female characters looking out for each other.

"That's much better," said Pegasus.

In the dungeon…

A group of paramedics rushed the corpse out of the castle.

"Hey, Croquet," said Yugi. "What happened to Pegasus?"

"Ms. Pegasus is feeling under the weather," said Croquet.

"She looks kinda dead," said Yugi.

"Well, she's not!" insisted Croquet. "Now excuse me, I need to go research necromancy rituals."

"I can't believe Pegasus is dead!" said Jo.

"Let's go snoop through her things," said Ted. Um, _wow._ Really, you guys?

In Pegasus' room…

"Look, it's Pegasus' blog!" said Ted. Indeed, Pegasus had a computer, even though she didn't in any other version of this story. Even the Abridged Series just showed a book. "Reading this should allow the author to fill in a bunch of plot holes!" With that, he read the blog entry.

_January 12th. Mood: fabulous. Darling Cynric, I still remember the first day we met. You were the second most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on. The first was me of course. We fell in love instantly and decided to get married. Then when we were standing at the altar, something very unexpected happened. You exploded. Literally. Yeah, that was kinda weird. In my grief, I took a trip to Egypt, because that's what people do when they're grieving – they go to Egypt. Little did I know my destiny was waiting around the corner._

_"Jagshamesh! My name is Shadi," said the woman. "And in my country of Egypt, we no longer use slaves to build pyramids. Now we make Mary Sues do it instead. It's nice. If you come with me, I will show you why I hang doughnuts from my ears."_

_I followed her into an underground chamber filled with ancient artifacts._

_"Original characters are always trying to come in here and steal my Millennium Items," said the woman. "Or worse, fake their own, calling it an eighth Millennium Item. Since you are a canon character, I will let you have this one. It will grant you the power to see into people's minds. It's nice."_

_I didn't understand her beef with original characters, but the Millennium Eye gave me the power to see into the world beyond. At long last I was united with you, my love. I thought my dreams had finally come true. But then you exploded again. Literally. You really need to stop doing that._ End flashback.

"It says here that Pegasus found a way to bring Cynric back from the dead using the Millennium Items and KaibaCorp's virtual technology," said Ted. "Man, I've read fanfics that make more sense than this crap!" Oh, the irony of that statement.

"Look, Pegasus must've released Grandma's soul," said Yugi. "This is super special awes – "

"Would you stop sayin' 'super special awesome'?" asked Jo, already on her way downstairs. "It stopped being funny fifteen chapters ago."

"Oh, you did not just say that," said Yugi. "Get back here! Nobody disses my catchphrase." A wild Shadi appeared! Whoo boy. "Huh?" asked Yugi. "What the hell's going on?"

_There has been a great disturbance,_ thought Shadi. _Someone has stolen a Millennium Item. It was probably this Sue. I will use my Millennium Key to probe her mind._ She put the end of the key on Yugi's forehead.

Inside Yugi's mind…

_Wah-wah-wee-wah,_ thought Shadi. _The Mary Sue's mind has been divided into two separate chambers. One looks like it belongs to a child – a very untidy child. This other room is very mysterious. It gives me funny feeling in my khram._ Whatever the hell a "khram" is. _Another sign of her being a Sue._

"Who the devil are you supposed to be?" asked Yami.

"Jagshamesh! My name is Shadi. I'm here to persecute those who would steal my Millennium Items."

"Um… okay…" said Yami.

"I like you, do you like me?" asked Shadi.

"No," said Yami. "Look, I didn't steal anything. But if it will set your mind at ease, then have a look around. By the way, have you ever seen Labyrinth?"

"No, why?"

"No reason."

Shadi proceeded to wander the maze, "Dance Magic Dance" playing the whole time. It got rather annoying, after a while, but she found something. Say, you remind me of the babe.

_What babe?_ asked Shadi.

The babe with the power.

_What power?_

The power of voodoo.

_Who do?_

You do.

_Do what?_

Remind me of the babe.

Anyway, my little distraction made Shadi fall. She was dangling off an edge.

"Don't worry, I'll save you," said Yugi.

_This little girl has saved me,_ thought Shadi. _Perhaps she is not as terrible as I thought._

"What is this place?" asked Yugi. The two of them walked down a hallway.

"Five thousand years ago, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power," explained Shadi. "These shadow games were played with real monsters and real magic. But these games erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the world. And so all the monsters were locked away inside these stone tablets."

"Are you trying to tell me this fic actually has a plot?" asked Yugi. A wild Dark Magician appeared!

"Oh no! You have angered the Dark Magician! Our only hope is to summon the Blue-Eyes White Dragon," said Shadi.

"No, don't!"

"Why not?" asked Shadi.

"That's Kaiba's monster," said Yugi. "I'm not gonna let myself get saved by that. Dark Magician! You are not a gun! You are who you choose to be! Now choose!" Dark Magician put her staff down.

_Wah-wah-wee-wah,_ thought Shadi. _This little girl and her obscure movie reference have saved us both! She must be the one the prophecy spoke of._

In the "real" world…

"I apologize for screwing with your head," said Shadi. "It turns out that you are a genderbent canon character, not a Mary Sue. Now I must return to Egypt, even though I have not found the one who stole my item. Remember, the fate of the world rests on your tiny little shoulders. _Dziękuję!_ " Whatever that means.

In the room with the dueling arena…

"Mokuno! Can you hear me? Wake up!" said Bakura.

"Uh… who the hell are you?" asked Mokuno. "Are you the angel of death?"

"Aw, isn't that cute, Mokuno thinks she's dead," said Yugi.

"Yugi Muto, you are now officially Queen of Games," said Croquet. Finally the name of the series makes sense! "As winner of the Duelist Kingdom tournament, I bestow upon you this extremely girly card. Also here's three million dollars."

"Yoink!" said Jo, taking the money.

"Now you can pay for your brother's operation!" said Trista.

"You each have five minutes to get off the island before we release the hounds," said Croquet.

In the castle courtyard…

"Big sister! Where are you?" asked Mokuno. "I'm starting to develop abandonment issues!"

"Oh, face it, kid, Kaiba never loved you," said Yugi.

And speak of the devil, there she was, in the entryway to the courtyard.

"Uh… Setomi!" said Mokuno. "It's you! And you're smiling!" She started crying, running up to her sister and hugging her. "Stop smiling, sis, it's really creepy!"

"Kaiba's smiling!" said Jo. "That is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen." Indeed! I need to get myself some brain bleach!

"Whenever Kaiba smiles, a puppy dies," said Yugi. That leaves the puppy kill count at 1. Hopefully she doesn't kill either of mine.

"Yugi, because of circumstances, our last duel was not conclusive," said Kaiba. "Perhaps the next time we duel we will finally learn which of us is truly superior." At least she admits the last duel wasn't conclusive. Suicide-threatening jerk.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm the Queen of Games," said Yugi. "And besides, I already beat you in the first chapter."

"What's your point?" asked Kaiba.

"My point is, you're never going to beat me. So just get over it," said Yugi.

"I hate you so much," said Kaiba. "Come on, Mokuno, we're going to have our own tournament."

_Well done, Yugi,_ said Yami. _We saved the world. And more importantly, we rubbed it in Kaiba's face._

_Yeah, by the way, who the hell are you?_ asked Yugi.

_I have had many names,_ said Yami. _Once, I was known as Pharaoh. Then, I was known as the artist formerly known as Pharaoh. But you can call me Yami._ Um, _wrong!_ Stupid 4Kids...

_I thought your name was Ate –_

_Shh, don't spoil it now!_ Oh, like _you_ weren't freely spoiling the fact that you are a pharaoh before.

_Shut up, agirlinsearchof,_ said Yami.

"I just realized!" said Jo. "Now that the tournament's over, we have to go back to school!"

Trista let out a big, overextended "No!" that's going to last until the next chapter.

Oh, and in the hospital, Grandma Muto needed a bed pan. Then she didn't. So that wraps up that last plot point. I need a freaking drink.

An energy drink, to be precise. These chapters don't write themselves!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, an explanation for Shadi. In the original, the character was very racist and misogynistic. That was not great, to say the least. So, to preserve the spirit (ha, ha) of Shadi's character, while not having racist/misogynistic jokes, I made Shadi prejudiced against original characters, in particular Mary Sues. This way, Shadi is still recognizable (as I'm sure if YGOTAS was a fanfic, he would hate OCs and Mary Sues as well), while not risking offending real people.
> 
> It also helps that fandom culture has shifted since the 2000s. Original characters, from what I can tell, are less stigmatized now than they were, or people are, at the very least, more aware that OCs, even _if_ they are paired with canon characters, aren't necessarily bad writing, and people are more aware that hating a fic simply for featuring original characters is not the best way to go about things. So now, I can sort of meta-commentate on it.


	20. Nightmare in Domino City

"Grandma! You're okay!" said Yugi, who, along with our other main characters, had arrived at the hospital that suddenly always existed.

"Yugi! Come give your grandma a big hug!"

Ted sniffled a bit. "It's so emotional!" she said.

"Grandma, you don't blame me for what happened to you, right?" asked Yugi.

"Yes." And I don't blame Grandma Muto for blaming Yugi.

Later, outside of Domino City…

"I'm so proud of you, Yugi," said Grandma Muto. "You rescued my soul, and you became Queen of Games! By the way, what happened to Bakura?"

"Oh, we left her back on the island! I'm sure she'll warp back via Plot Hole."

Meanwhile, on Duelist Kingdom…

"Hello? Anybody? I want to go home!" said Bakura.

Back in Domino City…

"Now that you're out of the hospital," said Yugi, "you can go back to running that game shop nobody ever visits. The basement just seems so empty without you."

A wild little boy appeared! "Hello!" said the boy.

"Who's that?" asked Yugi.

The boy approached. Yugi could see that he had a teddy bear with him. He got an unsettling feeling from the bear… 

The boy giggled. "My name's Roberto," he said. "I'm eight years old, and I'm the number one ranked duelist in America!"

"That's impossible!" said Jo. "Only grown-ups are allowed to play children's card games."

"I'm looking for Salama Muto," said the boy.

"Who the hell is Salama Muto?"

"Yugi, that's your grandma," said Ted.

"She has a name?!" asked Yugi. I agree with the sentiment. I came up with her name last-minute, while I was writing this! And it's a _stupid_ name!

"Hello, little boy," said Salama. "If you're trying to get into my will, you'd better hurry up. I could drop dead at any second… with any luck."

"You stole my Blue-Eyes White Dragon!" said Roberto. Um, _what?_ That came outta nowhere.

"Aww, he's so cute!" said Trista, seemingly oblivious to Roberto's so-very-rude accusation. Whoo boy. I don't think I'm gonna like him…

"He wasn't talking to you!" said… the teddy bear Roberto was carrying? I'm a little freaked out here too…

"Nyeh! The bear is possessed!" said Jo. I'm honestly… inclined to believe that. No little boy could throw his voice so well as to sound _that_ deep and distorted.

Roberto giggled. "Don't be silly. It's just a regular teddy bear." Yeah. A regular teddy bear with either one _freaky-as-hell_ voice box or a demonic spirit inside it!

"Well, okay," said Yugi, "but it did seem kind of like – "

"You'll be the first to die!" said the bear. Everyone stared at the duo of boy and bear in shock. I am, too, from atop the fourth wall. This might not be the safest place for me… especially if it breaks…

"I want you to return the card you stole from me!" said Roberto. Yeesh, haven't you heard of evidence? Or _tact?_ Okay, let's cut him some slack, he's only eight…

"You'll never get it back!" said Salama. "It's mine! Mine, I tell you!"

"What my grandma's _trying_ to say is that she would never steal a card from another duelist," said Yugi. "You must be mistaken."

"It's mine! All mine!" said Salama.

"I don't believe you," said Roberto. "I challenge you to a duel, old woman, and if I win, I get back the Blue-Eyes you stole from me!"

"Bring it on, you little son of a – "

"Grandma, no!" said Yugi. "You just got out of the hospital! You're in no fit state to play a harmless children's card game! I'll duel him in your place." Look, man, there's only _one_ person for whom dueling is _actually_ dangerous for their health, and they don't show up until GX!

"Fine by me!" said Roberto. "Isn't that right, teddy?"

"Your mother plays card games in hell!" said the bear. Everyone stared at the duo of boy and bear in shock. A bear that makes _your mom jokes?_ That's as absurd as card games on motorcycles! …What? Don't look at me like that! I'm allowed to cameo running gags early!

"O…kay…" said Yugi.

Later, at Kaibaland (What original naming. About as original as this fic)…

"Look, Daddy!" said a young boy. "It's a Blue-Eyes! A real one!"

"It's just a statue, you ignorant child," said the boy's father. "By the way, the Easter Bunny isn't real, either, and I'm not even your real father."

The child started crying. His dad's an asshole. Why did he raise a child, if _this_ was how he was going to treat him…?

Anyway, another young boy said, "Oh, wow! A theme park based around a children's card game! This is the most absurd concept ever!" Not as absurd as _your mom!_

Anyway, let's go into the lobby, where our main characters (and Mokuno) are.

"Hey Mokuno," said Yugi. "Do you mind if we play a card game here?"

"Sorry, Yugi," said Mokuno. "We're fully booked. But since you saved my immortal soul from the clutches of an evil mastermind, I suppose I can allow it just this once."

"Wow! You can do that?" asked Yugi.

"My sister is Setomi Kaiba," said Mokuno. "I can decide who lives and who dies." Well. That's awesome and terrifying at the same time.

Later, in the dueling arena…

"What do you _mean,_ our duel is cancelled?!" asked Selena. "Dawn and I made the reservation first! Just because one of the duelists is the Queen of Games herself doesn't mean she gets whatever she wants!"

"Sorry, ma'am," said the security guard. "But Mokuno Kaiba requested it."

"But… but…" Dawn sputtered. "Who puts a ten-year-old in charge of a huge amusement park?!" She sighed. "All right, then. Not much we can do."

"Hopefully next time nobody cancels our reservation last minute just because someone's friends with the CEO's sister," muttered Selena. "Damn nepotism…" Our hapless duo left the arena. "Hey, wanna go kick Rex and Weevil's butts?"

Our main characters entered that same arena, and began the duel between Yugi and Roberto.

"I summon Witch of the Black Forest!" said Roberto.

"I summon Disgruntled Celtic Guardian!" said Yugi.

"That's strange," said Salama. "This card game seems awfully familiar." Turning to Roberto, she asked, "Roberto, what's your last name?"

"If you must know, it's Hawkins," said Roberto. "And yes, my grandmother is Guinevere Hawkins, the woman you betrayed!"

"Holy *BLEEP* on a *BLEEP* sandwich with *BLEEP* on top!" said Trista. "…And a side helping of *BLEEP*."

"My grandma would never do something like that!" said Yugi.

"It's the truth!" said Roberto. "The voices in my head told me so! Isn't that right, teddy?"

"Hail Satan!" said the bear. Okay. This boy is officially crazy.

"Roberto, please!" said Salama. "Your grandmother and I were very close." All right, time for a flashback.

_Salama and Guinevere met in Egypt on an archaeological dig, where they bonded over their mutual hatred of young people. Guinevere also shared with Salama some controversial theories._

_"I believe that the ancient Egyptians used to play Yu-Gi-Oh! in their spare time," said Guinevere._

_"Pull the other one!" said Salama._

_"No, I really mean it," said Guinevere._

_"Next you'll be telling me that the Romans played Pokémon!"_

_"Look at this card, Salama," said Guinevere. The card was the Giant Soldier of Stone. "See how it barely resembles these ancient hieroglyphics."_

_"My god, you're right!" said Salama. "This could revolutionize the field of Egyptology… somehow."_

_Just then, the tomb collapsed around them. As they do._

_"I say, Salama, let's have a card game to decide which one of us gets to live."_

_"That's the sickest thing I've ever heard," said Salama. "Let's do it."_ End flashback.

"I am sick of your lying lies, you big fat liar!" said Roberto. Damn. This kid is not only crazy, he refuses to listen to reason.

"Shut up, you brat!" said Ted. "Yugi's grandma would never lie! She's the wisest woman I've ever met!"

"Where am I? What day is it? I like pudding," said Salama.

"I sacrifice all my monsters in order to power up my Shadow Ghoul!" said Roberto.

"Hmm…" said Salama. Whelp, another flashback. Geronimo!

_"I surrender, Gwen,"_ said Salama. End the _real_ shortest flashback in this series.

"You win, Roberto," said Yugi. "I surrender."

"Nyeh!" exclaimed our other main characters, collapsing to the ground.

"I won," said Roberto. "Now hand over my card!"

"If you insist," said Salama. She handed over the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card. The one from the first chapter. The one that had been torn up by Kaiba. Yeah, _that_ one. It was taped back together.

"You tore it!" said Roberto. "You ruined the collector's value! How am I going to sell it on eBay now? Satan will be very angry!"

"Roberto, behave yourself!" an older woman admonished.

"Grandma!" said Roberto.

"Gwen, is that really you?" asked Salama.

"Yes," said Gwen. "I've decided to show up at the last minute in order to tie up all the loose ends. Roberto, did you know that Yugi actually won the duel?"

"Grandma, I won!" said Roberto.

"Take a look at this card," said Gwen. "It's called Soul Release. If Yugi had played this, you would have lost."

"But she didn't play it. She surrendered!" said Roberto. I must admit, he has a point.

"Yes, but she _could_ have won. Therefore, she was the winner."

"But Yugi lost!"

"And that is why she won."

"What?!" If you're wondering how Gwen's logic makes any sense… I've got nothing. I'm actually siding with Roberto here.

"Allow me to make things even more confusing for you," said Gwen. "You see, when Salama lost the duel, she did so in order to save my life!" Well, time to go into the TARDIS again...

_"Salama, you shouldn't have surrendered!" said Gwen._

_"I wish I knew how to quit you!" said Salama._ End surprisingly sapphic flashback. Aww.

"Even though I sacrificed monsters during my duel with Salama," said Gwen, "I never failed to honor their sacrifice. You see, Roberto, with great cards comes great responsibility."

"I'm sorry, Yugi," said Roberto.

"That's okay," said Yugi. "Here, take this card that I won," showing the card The Ties of Friendship. "I didn't even want it anyway."

"Does that make me the King of Games?" asked Roberto.

"Hell no!" said Yugi.

"Isn't anybody else worried about the evil teddy bear?" asked Trista. Great point, actually!

"What evil teddy bear?" asked Gwen.

Meanwhile, on Duelist Kingdom…

"Hello? Is there anybody out there?" asked Bakura. "I'm still stuck on this bloody island! Why doesn't anybody answer? Oh, look, a kitty cat! Hello there, kitty!" The "kitty" roared. "Oh, no! Don't do that! Bugger off, kitty! Oh, look, a Plot Hole! I can get off the island! Surely this won't cause any harm!" Hey, where'd that Plot Hole come from - oh. Yeah. That line that didn't make any sense because of that scene from Chapter 12 that I _totally didn't skip_ because that would require acknowledging its existence. But hey. At least we have Bakura back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I was going to have there be a tag team match with Selena and Dawn against Rex and Weevil getting cancelled. Then I realized the arenas make tag team matches... problematic to try to execute. So I instead had Selena and Dawn getting kicked out.
> 
> Also, I named fem!Arthur Guinevere as a reference to the King Arthur myths. Guinevere was King Arthur's wife. I would have stuck a feminine name ending onto it, but all the options sounded awkward.


	21. Card Art Online

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I went there. Hey, it's marginally better than _Sword_ Art Online!

LittleKuriboh created Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series…  
It evolved…  
There are many copies…  
Including this fanfiction…

And now to start off a new filler chapter!

At KaibaCorp…

"I can't believe the five of you tried to take over my company!" said Kaiba.

"And don't forget how they kidnapped me," said Mokuno.

"And that too," said Kaiba.

"Ms. Kaiba, please let us explain," said Gansley, who had a southern accent for some inexplicable reason. "We were just pretending to work for Pegasus."

"I instantly forgive you," said Kaiba, in an out-of-character moment. Uh-oh… "But I'm still pretty sore about that whole 'trying to kill me' thing." At least _that's_ still in-character…

"By the way, we've finished work on your new virtual card games system," said Johnson. "Feel free to test it out… if you dare!" Well, gee, _this_ sure doesn't sound sinister at all…

"'Kay, thanks," said Kaiba.

"Wait, Setomi!" said Mokuno. "It's clearly a trap! Why are you being so gullible and out-of-character?" Well, _somebody_ besides me recognizes it, thank goodness.

Kaiba climbed into the VR pod, foolishly. "Initiate log-on sequence," she said.

"We're sorry," said a voice in the computer system. "The server you're attempting to join is currently experiencing loading issues. Please stand by until we correct this problem."

After several hours, during which Kaiba did _not_ realize that this was probably a bad idea, Kaiba landed in the forest in the video game. Yeah, this fic is hip and in-touch with young people! None of this is outdated at all! Seriously, though, sarcasm aside, the Japanese version makes way more sense.

"Once I've finished playing this childish video game," said Kaiba, "I'll arrest those guys for trying to murder me." She's got some skewed priorities…

Meanwhile, in the "real" world…

"Wake up, Setomi," said Mokuno. "It's time for my story. Hello?"

"Your sister can't hear you anymore," said Johnson. "We've made her addicted to online gaming." Ah, geez, another 90s cartoon-anime-fanfic railing against video games…

"You bastards!" said Mokuno.

"Attention, duelists," said Kemo. "My hair will huff, and my hair will puff, and my hair will blow your house in. Huh?"

"She's escaped!" said a security guard.

"She must have crawled through the ventilation shaft," said another.

While the security guards were discussing important matters, Kemo placed a call on his cell phone. "Hey Mom!" he said. "You'll never guess what just happened. Oh, hi Dad. Can you put Mom on the line? What do you mean, 'she's asleep?' Wake her up, then!"

Later, in the Generic Game Shop…

"Okay, granny, hand over all your money, and Trista won't have to break your kneecaps."

"Whoever you are, please don't hurt me!" said Salama. "Whoever you are" was not, in fact, a burglar, but Jo.

Mokuno stumbled into the game shop.

One off-screen explanation later…

"Your sister's been kidnapped?" asked Yugi.

"Yes, that's exactly what I've just finished telling you," said Mokuno. "I didn't know who else to turn to. So I came here."

"Forget about it!" said Jo. "There's no way we're helping your sister. She smells like wee-wee." Hey!

_What?_ asked Jo.

That's an immature comment. Feel free to hate anyone as much as you want, but that's a childish way to phrase your hatred.

_Oh, shut up!_ said Jo. Anyway…

"But she's been trapped inside a video game world where monsters are – "

"Did you just say video game?" asked Jo.

"Yes," said Mokuno. "But it's very dangerous – "

"Come on, let's go play the video game!" said Yugi. "Anything to take a break from these crappy card games." Well, anything to forward the plot. Or lack thereof.

Later, at KaibaCorp…

"Erm, Yugi, before you go, there's something I need to tell you," said Ted.

"Don't worry, Ted, I know all about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're in love with me, right?"

"Actually, I'm in love with your sexy alter ego."

"Oh!" Pause. "Well, this is kind of awkward." Yeah. Alas, the S.S. Peachshipping won't be sailing anytime soon…

"Bye, darling," said Jo.

"Ix-nay on the arling-day," said Trista. The S.S. Buddyshipping seems to be a bit further along…

With that, the pods closed and our main duelists (and Mokuno) entered the forest.

"This virtual world Kaiba created is super special awesome!" said Yugi. "It's like walking into an episode of ReBoot." Whatever that is.

Just then, a fairy flew up to them. "Hello!" it said in a soft, high-pitched voice.

"Nyeh?" said Jo.

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!" The fairy repeated this over and over.

"Man, this fairy just as annoying as Navi!" said Jo. "Let's kill it." She chased after it when it fled. "Get back here, you!" she said. "I'm gonna rip your wings off with a pair of tweezers!" Ouch! "Damn, it got away." Thank goodness, it got away.

"Look! It's Agrabah," said Mokuno. "Let's go find the genie voiced by Robin Williams and occasionally by Dan Castellaneta. He'll save my sister!" Hopefully…

With that, our trio made it to the desert city in the video game. They found a very familiar face.

"What the hell are you doing here, Michael?" asked Yugi.

"I've been beta-testing this game for KaibaCorp," said Michael.

"That's just about the least likely story I've ever heard," said Yugi.

Michael joined your party!

_Huh?_ asked Yugi.

I'm trying to make this sound more like a video game!

Meanwhile, in the "real" world…

"I've been thinking," said Trista. "What if we're all part of some enormous virtual world? What if we exist in a fictional universe created by some Japanese guy who likes card games? And this is a fanfic written by a girl who likes this fictional universe created by some Japanese guy who likes card games?"

"Trista, that is without a doubt the stupidest thing you've ever said," said Ted. Suddenly, our hapless duo of semi-main characters heard something.

"And so then I said 'Attention, duelists!' Man, you should've been there," said Kemo.

"Uh-oh, we're in trouble. Something's come along and burst our bubble," sang Trista.

"Yeah, yeah!" sang Ted. Because when you are in potential danger is the best time to start singing. Of course. It's not like you could be heard or anything!

Meanwhile, in the video game, our quartet made their way into the castle, and made their way to the end of the maze. Just then, they saw a young boy, dressed in a fancy pink and yellow outfit, who looked like a male version of Mokuno. So basically the same as before, with a different outfit and eye color.

"Hello, I'm Prince Adrian," said the boy.

"This is just wrong," said Jo.

"I've never been more traumatized in my entire life," said Mokuno. "I'm pretty sure that outfit is part of someone else's copyrighted character design! Why would my sister create something so twisted?"

"I know!" said Jo. "Now do you see why we hate her so much?" Yeah, like _you_ guys wouldn't be violating copyright laws if this weren't a fanfiction!

Later, in the dining hall…

"Welcome to the land of Simiou," said Adrian. "Every year, my people are beset by a terrible evil. A mythic dragon descends from high to devour the – "

"Question!" said Yugi.

"Um, yes?" asked Adrian.

"Who comes up with such weird names for settings?" asked Yugi.

"Oh my god, Yugi!" said Jo. "You can't just _ask_ people why their homelands are named the way they are!"

"Excuse me, brave heroes," said Adrian. "I'm trying to tell you about the suffering of my people."

"I think it's obvious why your people are suffering," Yugi said. Jo held her breath. "Their ruler is only ten years old!" Jo let out a sigh of relief.

"The only way to defeat the mythic dragon is by resurrecting the ancient flying machine, which – "

"Why weren't you censored, anyway?" asked Yugi. "I mean what? Guns are bad but copyright violations are a-okay?"

Meanwhile, in a cave between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away, Kaiba was chained up. For some reason. I can practically hear the fanfics being written…

"What the hell is going on?" asked Kaiba. "Why haven't I had any pagetime?"

"You've been kidnapped, Setomi Kaiba," said the Witty Phantom, a red demon in a suit.

"That's already been established. Just what the hell is the point of this scene?" she asked.

"It gives the fangirls a chance to see you in chains," said the not-so-Witty Phantom.

"…That's really *BLEEP*ing creepy," said Kaiba. "I don't get paid enough for this," she muttered.

Meanwhile, back in the castle…

"Speaking of fanservice, check _me_ out," said Michael. He was dressed in some slightly revealing armor. And I do mean slightly. No different from the canon version, except no ridiculous boob plates. But I mean, hey. World of Warcraft has worse armor in terms of practicality!

Yugi was also wearing armor. Her armor was also identical to the canon version. "I can't believe Ted likes Yami more than me," she said.

"Forget about him, kiddo," he said. "You deserve someone who cares. Like Jo."

"Huh?!" asked Yugi, blushing. Now that she thought about it…

But that thought was interrupted by Jo showing herself. She, unlike the others, wore a ridiculously color-clashing outfit that she picked solely for the stats. Hey, it was better than that stupid caveman outfit Joey wore in the actual canon! "You know what the difference is between you and me?" she asked. "I make this look good."

Later, outside the castle…

"It's a whole army of Duel Monsters!" said Michael.

"They got Prince Adrian!" said Yugi. Indeed, Adrian, or rather, who they _thought_ was Adrian, had been dragged off in a net.

"Oh no! They've kidnapped Mokuno!" said the real Adrian, dressed in the armor meant for Mokuno.

"Why the heck was Mokuno dressed like you?" asked Jo.

"Um… well…"

_"Let's trade outfits," said Mokuno. "I've always wanted to try cosplaying."_ End flashback.

"Looks like we'll have to resurrect the ancient flying machine," said Yugi.

Later, at a barren field between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"I activate the Ocarina of Time!" said Jo. A cheerful, peppy song played as the ship revealed itself. "That made no sense whatsoever!" I feel ya, Jo. I feel ya.

"Hooray!" said Michael.

Meanwhile, in a cave between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"I brought you a little present, Kaiba," said the Witty Phantom.

Mokuno dropped down to the floor, throwing off the outfit (somehow…) to reveal the armor she somehow fit under it. Huh?

"Setomi!" she exclaimed.

"Mokuno?" asked Kaiba. "Why the hell were you cosplaying?"

"Oh, like you've never tried it," said Mokuno. I'd also like to know how she fit the armor under that ridiculous getup. "Swordstalker, free my sister!" Swordstalker cut the ropes… the ropes that were chains before… hey, don't ask me, ask the animators for that episode in the original anime!

"Time for a trip to the recycle bin, Phantom," said Kaiba. "And then once you're in the recycle bin, I'm going to right-click on it and select 'empty recycle bin'. Like agirlinsearchof should have done with this fic. Because otherwise, you'll just be taking up unnecessary space. In other words, I'm going to kill you. Come forth, Blue-Eyes!"

"No! This was so avoidable," said the Witty Phantom. Why am I calling him witty, anyway? He hasn't said anything particularly funny since he was introduced. Oh well.

Turning to Mokuno, Kaiba said, "If anybody asks, I rescued you."

"Yes, big sister," said Mokuno.

Meanwhile, in the "real" world…

The Big Five were watching our main characters' progress on a big but surprisingly crappy screen (seriously, it can't even do 3D, they were watching chibi sprites), listening to the Super Mario theme for no reason.

"We can't let those brats escape the virtual world in one piece," said Gansley.

"That's right," said Johnson. "So let's all stand up dramatically at the same time." They did exactly that. "Excellent," he deadpanned.

Meanwhile, in the cave in the video game…

Our trio met up with Kaiba and Mokuno near the entrance to the cave.

"Hey Kaiba, we're here to rescue you," said Jo.

"That won't be necessary, I'm kind of free already," said Kaiba.

"Then what was the point of the prince and the flying machine and all that other crap we did?" Astute question.

The Big Five appeared in the video game, laughing. "Well done, all of you," they said. At once. "You've reached the last stage. Now get ready to face the final boss."

"They're hacking into the computer system," said Kaiba.

Kaiba and Mokuno have joined your party!

_What in the hell?!_ asked Kaiba. _I've never liked parties!_

RPG-parties, not celebration-parties.

_I've never liked those, either!_

Just then, the Five-Headed Dragon appeared.

"I knew I shouldn't have let Hiram McDaniels program this game," said Kaiba. "He always includes overpowered five-headed dragons as bosses. Makes me wonder if he _was_ one in a previous life."

"Once we destroy you," said the Big Five (once again all at once), "people will soon jump to the conclusion that video games are dangerous, and then all video games will be banned!"

"Listen, pal," said Kaiba. "You can try to take over my company. You can kidnap my little sister. You can even try to kill me. But when you *BLEEP* with video games, you've gone too far." Like I said. She has skewed priorities. And I _like_ video games!

"It's time to slay the dragon," said Yami. We haven't seen her in a while.

With that, Kaiba, Jo, and Yami summoned Blue-Eyes White Dragon, Red-Eyes Black Dragon, and… Curse of Dragon? One of these things is not like the others… anyway…

The Big Five all let out an extended "No!" as Hiram McDan – I mean, Five-Headed Dragon, was slain. The whole party – I mean, our main characters - gained 500 experience points and Yami collected a rusty dagger.

"This loot system sucks," said Yami.

Not that it mattered, because they were going to leave soon anyway.

Inside the castle…

The fairy from earlier was still repeating the words, "Hey! Listen!" the whole time.

"Welcome back, brave heroes," said Adrian. "You have saved my people."

"Let's get out of here," said Yami. "That fairy is starting to piss me off."

"That game was more disappointing than Star Wars: Battlefield II," said Jo.

"The Big Five better not return in the future," said Kaiba.

That gives me an idea…

_Oh, no you don't!_ said Kaiba.

Too late!

Meanwhile, in the "real" world…

"Trista, do I look fat?" asked Ted. Dude. You're skinny. What the heck.

"Little busy here," said Trista.

Our original trio left the pods.

"Yugi! You're okay!" said Ted.

"That's right," said Yugi.

"Now that we're out of the video game, you guys can't do a thing to me," said Mokuno, foolishly.

"Actually, we can still beat the crap out of you," said Kemo.

"Oh, yeah…" said Mokuno. We now cut away from the violence. "Ow, my ribs! Ow, my other ribs!"

"Trista, why are _you_ punching Mokuno?" asked Yugi.

"I don't know!" said Trista.

Later…

"Attention mother!" said Kemo. "I've just been told I'm not going to be in any more chapters after this one. My hair is crying!" He sniffed. "I don't have anywhere else to go," he continued, sniffing again. "Could I move in with you?" Poor Kemo…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was yet another reason I wanted to rewrite the series! There were some transphobic jokes, so I replaced them!
> 
> I wanted to make a joke about how Adrian was named Michael in YGOH, but I couldn't fit it in. Alas!
> 
> I also had cosplaying in place of crossdressing just because.
> 
> Also, "Gee, I never liked parties!" is, in fact, actual 4Kids dialogue that I referenced. I couldn't work it where it was originally said, so I did the next best thing.


	22. Speak of the Devlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains copious amounts of Donna Devlin. Women with heart conditions are advised not to look directly at Donna Devlin. This also applies to women without heart conditions. She's very pretty. See? See how pretty she is? She's very pretty! I'd like to run my fingers through her hair, and I'm just a summary! Anyway, without further ado, enjoy your crappy genderflipped anime fanfic. With a side helping of femslash.

Silly descriptions _totally not written by me_ aside, let's continue on with the last chapter to be set in school.

Outside the Generic Game Shop…

"I'm going to school now, granny," said Yugi.

"Hey Yugi!" said Ted.

"Dumbass! I mean, Ted," said Yugi. Harsh.

"What's wrong with your grandma? Is she dying? Please tell me she's dying."

"You know, Ted, we could kill her right now and nobody would have to know about it."

"Really?"

"Hello! I'm over here now!" said Salama. "And I'm very angry for reasons I'm about to explain." Pointing in the direction of a huge building that wasn't there yesterday, she said, "Ta-da! That new game shop has been stealing all my customers."

"You have customers?" asked Ted.

"Wow! A super special awesome new game shop!" said Yugi. "I believe there is a slight possibility that I may be interested in checking it ou – "

"Do it and you die!" shouted Salama, causing poor Yugi to fall over.

Later, at school…

"If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding!" said a teacher. What if I put another brick in the wall?

"How come we never do any schoolwork, anyway?" asked Jo. Astute question.

"It makes you wonder why we even bother coming here," said Yugi.

"Hey, did you guys hear about the new student?" asked Ted. "They said she's the sexiest thing since sex."

"Nyeeh, sex isn't that sexy," said Jo.

"Jo, what's sex?" asked Trista.

"Well, Trista," said Jo, "when a man and a woman love each other very much – "

"Jo, no!" said Ted. "We mustn't let Trista breed!"

"Nyeeeeh!" exclaimed Jo, falling over. Getting back up, she said, "Thanks, Ted! That was a close one!" Yep.

All of a sudden, our main characters heard music. Specifically, the first three seconds of some crappy pop song that people only remember because of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, looped over and over again. Man, that's annoying

"Hey, where's that music coming from?" asked Jo. Astute question, especially since this is a _fanfic_ and not a web series!

"Keep your eyes on me, ladies," said a new student. For some reason, she got away with wearing the boys' uniform to school.

While the majority of the other girls were gathered around this new student, watching her dice tricks and fangirling, Selena (also wearing the boys' uniform) and Dawn were sitting away from the crowd.

"There's no intelligent life over there," she said. "Just a fool and the fools who follow him. Or her, in this case."

"Yeah, I know, right? And that music's getting annoying," said Dawn. "Does she carry a radio with her at all times or something?"

"It's magic! He must be a witch!" said Trista, who had mistaken the new student for a boy.

The new student approached our main characters. "I couldn't help but notice you guys aren't drooling over me as if I'm some kind of sex object," she said. Well, _that's_ a weird conversation starter.

Ted was murmuring "Humina" under his breath.

"I'm Donna Devlin," said the new student. "I own the new game shop." Well, now it seems the music only plays if she's speaking. Not sure if that's _more_ or _less_ annoying.

"Those are some ironic initials," said Jo.

Donna laughed. "They are! They really are!"

"Burn the witch!" said Trista.

Ignoring Trista, Donna turned to our protagonist. "You must be Yugi," she said. "My fangirls have told me all about you. They say you're almost as pretty as me." Yugi blushed a bit at this.

"Hey dice-girl," said Jo, "what'd they say about me?"

"They say you're a loser who relies on luck to win duels!"

"I am not a loser!" said Jo. "And I'll prove it by challenging you to a children's card game."

"I accept!" said Donna. "But if I win then you have to be my slave."

"Lucky bastard," muttered Ted.

"And if I win then you have to close your game shop," said Jo.

"Jo… don't you think that's a little extreme?" asked Yugi. "You can't put somebody out of business just because you're jealous." Tell that to Donald Trump!

"I'm not jealous!" said Jo. "What does she have that I don't have? Aside from the fangirls… and the pretty hair… and those gorgeous green eyes?" Um, Jo…?

Twirling some of her bangs, Donna added, "Don't forget my sweet ass."

"Yeah, and a sweet ass," admitted Jo. "But other than that, she's got nothin'!" Um, Jo? Nobody in Yu-Gi-Oh! has a butt. I don't know what either of you are talking about.

"Burn the witch!" said Trista.

Later, outside the game shop that wasn't there yesterday and has some creepypasta vibes…

"Here we are at the game shop," said Jo. "Once I win this card game Donna Devlin will be outta a job and she'll be forced to live on the streets!" She laughed as she ran in. One of our protagonists, ladies and gentlemen!

"What a heroic thing to do!" said Ted sarcastically.

"Clearly she is a role model for children everywhere!" said Trista, who, surprisingly, was also sarcastic.

Inside the Slightly Less Generic Creepypasta Game Shop…

"Welcome to the Donna Devlin love-nasium!" said Donna, who had rather questionable taste in location names. "I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of inviting my fangirls to watch our duel."

The only fangirls who arrived were a trio of girls we will never see past this chapter.

"Hey, Donna, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Donna! Hey Donna!" This rather annoying song of theirs continued as our main characters (and Donna) ignored them.

"It's true what they say," said Ted. "Fangirls ruin everything."

"Burn the witch!" said Trista. Donna wondered if that was Trista's default response to anything whatsoever. She was also getting annoyed by the fangirls. She had invited them so that their annoying voices would distract Jo… but now _she_ probably would get distracted by how annoying they were!

_Isn't anybody going to notice that I'm not wearing my school uniform?_ wondered Yugi.

"I summon the extremely phallic spaceship," said Donna. "But since it belongs to me, it grows to twice its usual size. Nobody can resist Donna Devlin!" Oh, no. A narcissist. Gee, isn't that swell. Well, that explains her choice of theme music. "Gradius, totally attack her life points!"

Gradius exploded, causing Jo to lose.

"Since you lost you have to do whatever I want," said Donna.

One of the fangirls approached Jo with a dog costume, and told her to put it on. Whoo boy. This is sounding dangerously close to an explicit fic…

Thankfully, this fic is rated T, so none of that happens.

"This is slightly more humiliating than playing a children's card game," said Jo as she put the costume on.

"Donna Devlin, you've gone too far!" said Yami. "How dare you force Jo to uphold her end of the bargain! I challenge you to a game! And if I win, then Jo is no longer your slave!"

"Fine by me," said Donna, "but if you lose, then you must swear on the life of your grandmother that you'll never play card games ever again." Her threat was made less intimidating by that ridiculous theme music. I wonder if someone could dance to it…

"Big deal! I've already had enough of this fic," said Yami.

"We'll play Dungeon Dice Monsters, a game of my own creation," said Donna. "We each take turns drawing dice."

"So it's just like Duel Monsters."

"Then we use our dice to summon holographic monsters to the field."

"So it's just like Duel Monsters."

"Both opponents are given three heart points, and when they run out the game is – "

"So it's just like Duel Monsters."

"Hey, stop it!" said Donna. "My game is nothing like Duel Monsters!"

"Prove it then!"

Silence, as Donna racked her brain for a reason her children's dice game was nothing like the children's card game this fic is all about. "…My game uses dice," she said. Not even her theme music seemed to side with her, as it did not play this time.

"Burn the witch!" said Trista.

Meanwhile, outside…

A crowd had gathered outside the Slightly Less Generic Game Shop. In the crowd was Salama Muto.

"As per usual I have no idea where I am," she said. "I wonder what's going on over there. "Hmm?" She saw something. A huge screen, with a trio of dancing girls. "Yes, yes!" said Salama. "That's a super special awesome screen!" Stealing your granddaughter's catchphrase, huh? Is that how it is? Well, I mean, considering her terrible treatment of you this whole fic… this might be justified.

"Why's she freaking out over a screen?" asked Dawn.

"I dunno," said Selena. "Probably the same reason grown-ass adults play children's card games!"

The two laughed.

"Oh hey look, you got your voice back," said Dawn.

"I think 4Kids realized they couldn't pass me off as a dude anymore," said Selena.

Meanwhile, back inside the Slightly Less Generic Game Shop…

"Come on, Yug, you can do it!" said Jo.

"Shut up or we'll have you neutered!" said one of the fangirls, who did not know canine biology.

"That's right," said another.

"I've waited a long time for this moment, Yugi," said Donna. "I'm going to prove to the world that you're a cheater by beating you in a game of my own creation."

"You wanna run that by me one more time?" asked Yami. I feel ya, Yami. I feel ya.

"There is, like, no way you could have beaten Pegasus without cheating," said Donna. "She was my idol! I've tried my whole life to be as creative as she is!"

"That would explain a lot," snarked Yami. Flashback!

_Donna visited Pegasus before the Duelist Kingdom tournament to demonstrate her game. They played this game together. To Donna, it seemed as though she had played Dungeon Dice Monsters her whole life. Probably because she had, because her game was exactly like Duel Monsters, but I digress._

_"Congratulations, Donna-girl," said Pegasus. "This is just what I've been looking for! Dungeon Dice Monsters will make my card game look exciting by comparison. I'll begin funding you immediately._ End flashback.

"Dungeon Dice Monsters was set to take the world by storm!" said Donna. "But then you defeated Pegasus in a children's card game and she dropped off the face of the Earth. You must have cheated! It's the only explanation!" 

"Or maybe Pegasus just realized your game sucks ass. Or she died. Go, Dark Magician! Destroy her life – I mean, heart points." (He's back and he's got a new trick! Magical Trevor is ten times as slick as the last time, the last time you saw him! I can see why we really adore him!)

"Yugi won! Her grandma would be so proud!" said Ted.

Meanwhile, outside…

"Hey!" said Salama. "Where can I get this giant TV?"

Meanwhile, back inside…

"Man, Donna!" said Yugi. "I can't believe you actually thought that crappy little dice game would actually sell!"

"Yeah, it was just a carbon copy of Duel Monsters!" said Jo. "You'd have to be blind not to notice the similarities!"

Trista held up a single die. "This is going straight up my nose!" she said.

"I'm not even sure how I got here," said Salama, who, by the way, made it in via Plot Hole. Specifically, the one created by that game shop just being plopped into the world with no buildup or foreshadowing.

"I owe you guys an apology," said Donna. "I treated you all like crap. Can we be friends in the next arc?"

"Only if you stop using that annoying theme music," said Yugi.

"What theme music?" asked Donna, as her theme music played.

"She must be a witch! She turned me into a newt!" said Trista.

Donna was silent.

"I got better."

Donna has joined the party!

_Aw, yeah! Most excellent!_ said Donna.

RPG-parties, not celebration-parties.

_Bogus!_ said Donna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will be going on two weeks' hiatus! Namely because the DDM arc in YGOH took more chapters than I was expecting! I don't want YGOHTAS to get too far ahead of YGOH because I don't want it to spoil things that happen later on!
> 
> Also, originally, I was going to have Donna have red text in place of references to theme music, since this is a text-based medium! However, I couldn't figure out how to get that to work! I know enough HTML to get things like italics, bolding, strikethrough, and links to work, but I don't know if you can even change font color on AO3!
> 
> Also, I worked in that other Pink Floyd reference because I was inspired by another fic, called [YGOTAS Reactions](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11541814/1/YGOTAS-Reactions), where that was a joke made in their Chapter 22. I recommend that fic, it's really funny!
> 
> I cut the furry reference because frankly, I cut the sole "evidence" of that. And I mean, c'mon, let's give Jounouchi/Joey a break. That's the least creative joke at his expense ever. If anything, _Otogi/Duke_ should be the one to get furry jokes. After all, he _did_ own a fursuit that fits someone of a _very_ similar build to him...
> 
> Salama getting excited over the screen was actually inspired by the dub! In a rare moment where they get _something_ right, the dub had Solomon really like the screen... in contrast to the Japanese version, where Sugoroku was perving over the girls. _Ew._
> 
> Also, the original line was "shut up or we'll have you spayed." The thing is, spaying is what's done to _female_ dogs. I decided to keep the terminology incorrect simply because it was funny.


	23. The One with the Original Characters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you wish your card games were fun like mine?

Yugi Muto was in her room. _This chain should help keep my Millennium Puzzle safe from the various villains who are always challenging me to children's card games,_ she thought. Who would have thought that people would want to steal an ancient artifact? In all seriousness, though, why don't they just take it from her, without the card game nonsense? …I think I might have jinxed it…

_Give me some time with that mirror,_ said Yami. _I need to apply my makeup._

_I already applied the makeup!_ said Yugi. _Besides, you suck at it!_ _  
_

_Yeah?_ said Yami. _Well… you're really small. Look at you down there! You're like Smally McSmall. …That's your name._ Yeah, did I mention Yami can appear as a hallucination only Yugi can see now? It's a sign of their growing friendship! …Or Yugi's growing insanity, one of the two. Could be either one.

Anyway, later, outside the game shop…

"Hey Yugi," said Ted.

"Hey Ted," said Yugi. "What do you think of my new chain? Pretty pimp, huh?"

Ted giggled. "It makes you look ridiculous!" he said. Yeah, like Yugi didn't already look ridiculous with her _freaking hair._ Seriously, what the hell is wrong with her hair?

"Well, I think it looks sexy," said Yugi. Only on Yami! You look 12, stop trying to fight it.

"You look about as sexy as Mr. T!" said Ted.

"Oh, shut up!" said Yugi. "Let's just go to school, okay?"

"Hmm, I wonder who they were," said Salama.

Later, on the way to school…

"And then this one time, at duel camp, I put my deck in my – "

"Hey, what's that?" asked Yugi, thankfully interrupting Ted. Remind me never to touch Ted's deck. We don't know where it's been, and I don't care to know.

A hooded figure who was quite obviously Bandit Kate (hey, I thought you died!) said, "Step right up and I will tell your future… in America!" She couldn't even refrain from using her catchphrase!

"What a crock!" said Ted. And I agree.

"Maybe she can tell me when I'll finally hit puberty!" said Yugi, oblivious to the "fortune teller's" true identity. Well, I mean, she _did_ die. Hmm… something's up.

"In order to tell your future, I'll need you to give me your necklace," said Kate.

"My puzzle?" asked Yugi. "No way! Without it, I can't pretend to be good at card games."

"Look, do you want your damn fortune told or not?" asked Kate.

"Well… okay, then," said Yugi, foolishly. She handed over her puzzle to set up the conflict of this episode. Don't ask me why, I'm just the narrator.

"I predict that you are a gullible idiot… in America!" said Kate, running off with the Puzzle, laughing maniacally. Well, gee, I wonder who _that_ could have been? It's not like the constant "In America"s could have been a major clue.

"Yugi, I hate to break it to you, but you totally deserved that," said Ted.

Yugi chased after Kate, saying, "Hey, come back! You didn't even tell me my fortune!" She eventually came to a building. "Hmm…" she said. "She must be hiding in this abandoned warehouse."

Inside the warehouse…

"Welcome, Yugi!" said Kate. "I see you've fallen right into my trap… in America!" Well, actually, doofus, the trap was in Japan. "Now let's have a children's card game to decide who gets to keep your Millennium Item!"

"But you've already stolen it from me," said Yugi. "If anything, _I_ should be challenging _you._ " She has a point, there.

"Look, can we just play the card game?" asked Kate.

"You're new to this whole stealing thing, aren't you?" asked Yugi. Yet another sign something's wrong.

Meanwhile, between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"Running!" said Ted. No, don't ask me why he's announcing that he's running in the middle of running. I'm not a runner.

"Yo, Ted, how's it hanging, dude?" asked Bakura, sounding very awkward, like an elderly person trying to be all "cool" and "hip" and other such things associated with youth.

"What the hell did you just say to me?" asked Ted.

"I'm trying to sound more American, so people won't pick on me as much."

"Well, stop it! You sound like you're from the 1970s!"

"Oh, come on, baby, cut me some slack," said Bakura. "Let's hang out together. It'll be totally cool."

"Somebody help! Bakura's gone insane!" said Ted.

"Now that _he's_ out of the way," said Bakura, or rather, Florian, "I can concentrate on trying to find gay people!" She pulled out the Millennium Ring. "Come on, little gaydar, work your magic."

Meanwhile, back inside the warehouse…

"It's time to duel! In America!" said Kate. Dude, you're in Japan. Quit saying you're doing stuff in America!

"I don't know who you are," said Yugi, "but I won't let you keep my puzzle. I summon the Frustrated Celtic Guardian."

"I am so frustrated," said the Celtic Guardian. No, don't ask me why he's suddenly able to speak. Or who voices him. I'm just the narrator.

"Your frustrated elf is no match for my Machine monsters… in America!" Yeah, but he _is_ more than a match in Japan, _where you are!_ What are you gonna break out, an android played by Arnold Schwarzenegger?

_Wait a minute,_ thought Yugi, _those monsters look kinda familiar._ Out loud, she said, "Who _are_ you? Show yourself!" Bandit Kate threw off the hood. "Oh my god, it's Bandit Kei – I mean, Kate! I had no idea! Super special awesome plot twist!" And it took ya _this long_ to figure it out?

"Yes, it's me," said Kate, stating the obvious. "But I'm being controlled by someone who isn't American."

"You mean, you're being manipulated?" asked Yugi, also stating the obvious.

"That's right, little Yugi," said Kate. All of a sudden, she started speaking with a different voice, one we haven't had speak in this fic. "With my Millennium Rod, I can take control of whoever I want."

"And you chose Bandit Kate?" asked Yugi. "Why the hell would you choose Bandit Kate? She sucks!"

"It's simple," said our oh-so-mysterious antagonist. "Americans are very easy to brainwash. Especially when fresh from the grave. Isn't that right, mind slave?"

"Whatever you say, Ms. President," said Kate.

Meanwhile, back in Domino High School…

"We gotta save Yugi!" said Jo. "So let's just skip school for the fiftieth time."

"You'd think they would've expelled us by now," said Trista. Astute observation.

When our trio left the school, the coach showed up. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked. "You kids should be in class, learning useless crap."

"Nyeh, sorry coach, but there's been an emergency," said Jo.

"Somebody spoiled The Mandalorian for Ted, and he's very upset."

"All my fanfics are worthless now," said Ted. He started crying.

"I'm moved by your story," said the coach. "By all means, take the day off school!"

After our trio were out of earshot of the coach, Ted asked, "Why didn't we just tell her the truth?"

"Because lying is fun!" said Trista.

Meanwhile, inside the warehouse…

_It looks like my Millennium Ring has led me to this warehouse,_ thought Florian. _I haven't seen gay readings this strong since that screening of Showgirls._ Finally, she noticed something. _Hmm… that looks like Bandit Kate and Yugi. Someone must be manipulating this duel. Someone with a Millennium Item!_

"The Millennium Puzzle belongs to me!" said Kate. "Wait a minute… this thing wasn't made in America! It must be destroyed!" With that, she smashed the Millennium Puzzle, conveniently separating the pieces but not breaking any individual ones. I swear, this made more sense in the manga…

"No! My chick magnet!" said Yugi.

Just then, Florian swung in on a rope. "Geronimo!" she exclaimed. Kate yelled as she fell.

"Bakura, you saved me!" said Yugi.

"I'm here to kick ass and drink cups of tea, and I'm all out of tea," said Florian for short.

"I can't believe she broke my puzzle," said Yugi. "I guess I'd better start putting it back together."

_Yes, Yugi,_ thought Florian. _And when you do, there'll be a part of my soul inside it! Then, in about five hundred episodes, I'll put my evil plan into motion! I'm so diabolical it hurts. They don't call me Florian for nothing._

"Here, Yugi," said Bakura. "You forgot this piece."

"Hey, thanks!" said Yugi. "Wow, you're actually being really helpful today. It's… kinda weird."

"My mummy says I'm a good girl!" said Bakura. Florian? I dunno, it's confusing. The point is, Florian's impersonating Bakura.

"You know, Bakura, I think I might be starting to respect you."

"Thanks, Yugi," said Bakura. "Oh, bugger!" she said, falling off the platform they were on.

"Yeah, forget what I just said," said Yugi.

"Catch you later, dude!" said Bakura.

"Bye, Bakura!" said Yugi. "Try not to get beaten up at school!"

Florian chuckled under her breath. "Sucker," she added.

"You have failed me, Bandit Kate," said our oh-so-mysterious antagonist. "And for that, you will suffer my wrath." With that, she forcibly made the French national anthem play over and over in Kate's head.

"There's a voice in my head!" said Kate. "And it's French! The exact opposite of American!" She began swinging a pipe around, whether due to going insane from being brainwashed or from brain rottage from being brought back as a zombie, nobody knows. "No!" she exclaimed. "Stop torturing me! Okay, I admit it! I'm not really American, I'm Canadian! Is that what you wanted to hear, you bastard?" With that, she hit something that resulted in a chain reaction that set the warehouse on fire.

Outside the burning warehouse…

"Look!" said Ted. "That building's on fire! Somebody must be in big trouble!"

"Let's forget about Yugi and help these guys instead!" said Jo.

Inside the warehouse…

"God, what was I thinking, getting that chain?" asked Yugi. "I must be the dumbest anime character ever."

Outside the warehouse…

"Hey! This is our chance to become main characters!" said Dawn.

"I'm sure we won't regret this!" said Selena.

"Hey, your voice changed!" said Dawn.

"Yeah, I think 4Kids realized I _wasn't_ a dude," said Selena.

"We're coming in!" said Trista. She touched the metal handle, foolishly. She let out a cry of pain. "The door hurt me, Jo!" said Trista.

"Here, let me do it!" said Jo. She kicked at the door, repeatedly, a "Nyeh!" accompanying each kick. The door didn't budge.

Inside the warehouse…

"Getting… so… hot… don't know… if I'll… make it…"

Outside the warehouse, Jo continued kicking the door, showing an example of the definition of insanity. Everyone else just stood there. Silently. Eerily still. I should check their pulses…

Inside the warehouse…

"It sure would be nice if my friends showed up to help."

Outside the warehouse, Jo _continued_ to kick at the door, rapidly.

Inside the warehouse…

"Okay, seriously, where the hell are those guys?"

At last, our Chaotic Stupid duo finally broke the door down, and went into the warehouse with our hapless main-characters-to-be. Kate ran out the door.

"Help!" she said. "This building's being haunted! By French people!"

Ignoring Kate, the others ran over to Yugi.

"Yug!" said Jo. "What're you doin'? We gotta get outta here!"

"I… can't leave yet," said Yugi. "Without my Puzzle… I can't be… a main character…"

"What the *BLEEP* is going on?!" asked Selena. "Your hair is crazy enough that you can still be a main character! Your damn necklace shouldn't be placed above your life!"

Outside the warehouse, firefighters were putting out the flames. Finally, anime characters call public services when they should be!

"We didn't start the fire!" said Ted. "It was always burning since the world's been turning!" Our other main characters left the warehouse. "Oh my god, it's my Yugi-muffin!" he said.

"Don't worry, Ted," said Jo. "Aside from some third-degree burns and severe mental scarrin', she should be just fine."

"I'm a fireman!" said Trista.

"You people are crazy!" said Dawn.

"Who are you people, anyway?" asked Jo.

"We're some OCs that the narrator sent in in a vain attempt to make this more original!" said Selena. "I'm Selena Flannigan and this is Dawn Diamant!"

"Oh, geez…" said Jo.

Meanwhile, far more than 42 Sheppies away…

"It seems Bandit Kate was a waste of time," said our oh-so-mysterious antagonist. "It looks like we'll just have to try again tomorrow night."

"Gee, Marika," said one of our antagonist's henchwomen, "what are we gonna do tomorrow night?"

"The same thing we do every night, binky-girl. Try to take over the world!" (We're dinky, we're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, narf!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so about the seemingly-random zombie jokes. Bandit Keith died in the original manga, and so Kate died in Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi, which follows the manga for the most part. The same thing happened with Pegasus. Me telling my mom about the latter led to an inside joke between us that Pegasus is a zombie. That inspired this gag here.
> 
> I also updated the joke regarding endings being spoiled, because everyone and their mother knows how Harry Potter ended at this point. One of the YGOTAS foreign fandubs did a similar thing, but they changed it to Twilight being spoiled and Téa shipping Edward/Jacob rather than Harry/Hedwig. But since everyone knows how _that_ ended... yeah.


	24. Egyptian Exhibition Expo 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, wait. Quarantine. There _is_ no such thing! Spooky!

At an airport…

"Welcome, Mr. Ishtar," said a museum official. "On behalf of the Domino Museum, I'd like to welcome you to America. Or Japan. I'm not sure where we are; it's pretty vague." For the record, this takes place in Japan. Except when it's funnier for it not to.

"I trust you have made all the necessary arrangements for my exhibition," said Ishin Ishtar.

"Don't worry, I have developed an ingenious plan to transport your Egyptian artifacts!" said the official.

"You're placing them inside several vehicles disguised as garbage trucks," said Ishin.

"How did you know?" asked the official

"My Millennium Necklace gives me the power to see the future, and also to read the rest of the chapter ahead of time," said Ishin.

"That's pretty neat!" said the official, who was surprisingly believing for someone who was just told that someone was psychic. "What else can you see?"

"In about two paragraphs, you will be interrupted by a location cut."

"What the hell are you talking ab – "

Meanwhile, at Kaiba's mansion…

"We interrupt this program to bring you an urgent report!" said the newscaster on the television. "It seems that Domino Museum is holding an extremely boring exhibition on ancient Egypt." No such thing! "Apparently, this qualifies as news. In other plot-related stories, Setomi Kaiba is about to receive an important phone call."

"Hey, big sister, can I watch SpongeBob?" asked Mokuno.

"Shut up, Mokuno," said Kaiba. "I'm busy flagging YouTube videos for using the slightest amount of copyrighted footage!"

"Um, sis...?" said Mokuno. "That's not how it works. The YouTube algorithm already does that."

"...Whatever!" said Kaiba. Suddenly, the phone rang. Kaiba answered. "What the hell do you want?" she asked.

"Hello, Kaiba. This Ishin Ishtar. Stop whatever you're doing and look at the TV right now." Kaiba looked up at the television, which conveniently had Ishin displayed on it.

"I personally invite Setomi Kaiba to come to my museum," said Ishin.

"What the hell was that?" asked Kaiba. A contrivance, that's what.

"You see, Kaiba," said Ishin, "I called you on the phone specifically so that you would hear my invitation on the television."

"Why didn't you just invite me over the phone?" asked Kaiba.

"Because I have magical powers," said Ishin.

"You do realize you're paying for this call, right?" asked Kaiba. She got no answer, however, as Ishin hung up. Jerk.

Meanwhile, in Yugi's room…

"I feel so confused," said Yugi. "I can't decide whether I'm the main character or not."

"Of course you're the main character," said Yami. "The fic is called 'Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi!', remember? 'Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi', 'Yugi'… seems pretty obvious."

"Yeah," said Yugi, "but _you're_ the one who always wins all the card games. _You're_ the one who always gets all the fangirls. I get nothing. Let's face it, I'm about as important to the plot as Bakura."

"Don't _say_ that! Don't even _think_ it!"

Later, at the museum…

"Welcome, Setomi Kaiba," said Ishin. "I'm glad you came."

"I've locked all the exits," said a security guard.

"And I helped," said another, who probably just stood there the whole time, being useless.

"Tell me what this is all about, or I'll be forced to call upon the narrator to kill you," said Kaiba. Um, Kaiba...? That's not how it works. He's a main character.

"Come this way, Kaiba, and all will be revealed," said Ishin.

They went to a room with two alcoves with ancient Egyptian engravings on the improbably-large tablets in them.

"Let me get this straight," said Kaiba. "It's been twenty-four chapters, and we're only _now_ explaining the plot. Did George R. R. Martin write this fic or something? No, I take that back, at least he was world-building while he was at it." Kaiba, what do you think Duelist Kingdom was _for?_ Besides establishing that _I hate dealing with you_ _assholes!_

"We've uncovered rare artifacts that depict the earliest games played in ancient Egypt," said Ishin. "Behold, Kaiba, the origin of Duel Monsters!" He turned on the lights.

Kaiba said the one thing we all expected from someone like her. "Oh my god, a giant rock!"

"That's right, Kaiba, a giant rock," said Ishin.

"I can't believe what I'm seeing," said Kaiba. "A giant rock! It's a rock and it's giant!" Okay, yeesh, we get the point.

"Yes, and that's not all," said Ishin. "Come over here, Kaiba, and prepare to witness something incredible."

"Okay," said Kaiba, "but it's gonna be tough to beat that giant rock."

"What you're about to see will change your life forever."

Kaiba, of course, missed the point _yet again._ "Oh my god, another giant rock!" Oh my god, Kaiba, it's not like you met Dwayne Johnson!

"This giant rock depicts the duel between the Pharaoh and her high priestess," said Ishin. That's one way to put it.

Kaiba looked at the part of the giant rock – I mean, tablet, in question. "What the hell? She looks just like Yugi. But what does that mean?" she asked.

"It means your arch-rival Yugi Muto is a reincarnation of the pharaoh, and that history is about to repeat itself," said Ishin.

"Are you trying to tell me that Yugi and I are destined to play card games with each other for all eternity?"

"Yes."

"Best. Destiny. Ever." Well, there are _worse_ ways to spend eternity!

"Now I shall use the power of my Millennium Necklace to show you the duel between the pharaoh and your ancestor," said Ishin. And now, my ultimate power as of yet! Sending people to the past like in Terminator! Except not, because you can't change the past. But then I'm pretty sure you couldn't in Terminator? Except sometimes you can? I dunno, the continuity's confusing.

Kaiba screamed as she was sent into the Plot Hole back to the past. "What's going on? Where am I?"

An ancient Egyptian woman whose eyes were conveniently in shadow was chanting something I can't be bothered to remember. Unfortunately for her, her ridiculous hair made it obvious she was the pharaoh from the tablet.

"Pharaoh, your reign of tyranny is over!" said a woman who quite blatantly looked like Kaiba. Even had a shortened version of her name. "We demand that you wear a shirt that covers your awesome abs. You're making us all look out of shape!"

"Our pharaoh can wear whatever she pleases!" said one of the priestesses. "She worked hard to get that physique!"

"Why don't you marry the pharaoh if you love her so much?" asked not-Kaiba.

"Maybe I will!" said the priestess.

"Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Destroy all her monsters!" said not-Kaiba.

Outside the pyramid, out of sight, a couple of Mary Sues… sorry, past incarnations of Selena and Dawn, looked strangely at the unspecified building.

"What was all that commotion?" asked Khonsu.

"I don't know," said Nur.

"Whatever it was, it was probably a pointless gag!" said Khonsu. "Thank the gods we're not main characters!"

"That woman looks just like me!" said Kaiba. "And she has a Blue-Eyes, just like me! And she's an asshole, just like me! I must be looking into the distant past. It's just like Eternal Darkness."

Not-Kaiba laughed. "Victory is mine!" she exclaimed. And now I must send

"Unfortunately, we will never know who won that fateful duel," said Ishin, "because their name is hidden by ancient Egyptian spoiler tags. Now do you believe me, Kaiba?"

"Since I'm the most skeptical person on the planet, I'm going to say no. I'll be leaving now."

"Wait, Kaiba," said Ishin. "Don't you want to know about the powerful cards I promised you?"

"You never said anything about powerful cards," said Kaiba.

"Well, I meant to," said Ishin. "Behold, Kaiba, the three Egyptian God Cards. Obelisk the Tormentor! Slifer the Executive Producer! And Mega Ultra Chicken!"

"Mega Ultra Chicken?" asked Kaiba. "That's just dumb." Indeed!

"It is _you_ who is dumb," said Ishin. Indeed! "Pegasus created them to be the most powerful cards in Duel Monsters."

"If these cards are so great, why didn't Pegasus use them in Season One?" asked Kaiba.

"Because the writers hadn't thought of them yet," said Ishin. "In order to keep them safe, Pegasus entrusted them to me. But then I immediately lost two of them."

"Way to go," said Kaiba sarcastically. Indeed!

_Would you shut up with the "Indeed!"s?_ asked Kaiba.

"They were stolen from me by the Rare Hunters," said Ishin, ignoring Kaiba's comment.

"Rare hunters?" asked Kaiba. "Who are they?"

"An elite group of card game enthusiasts who spend their time stealing rare and powerful cards. Kind of like what you did in the first episode. Only these guys steal from people who can actually fight back." Indeed!

_Shut up._ Out loud, Kaiba said, "Yeah, whatever."

"Kaiba, if you were to hold a tournament, your reputation would attract the greatest duelists in the world," said Ishin. "It would be the biggest concentration of nerds ever assembled outside a Star Trek convention."

"I see. So it's a trap." Okay, Admiral Ackbar. _Would you be quiet!_ "You want to lure the Rare Hunters to Domino City so you can get back the Egyptian god cards that you lost like an idiot. Look, can we cut it with the exposition here? I'm getting info-sick."

"Fine," said Ishin.

"Why should I help you?" asked Kaiba.

"Because if you do, I'll give you this," said Ishin.

"Can it be?" asked Kaiba. "Obelisk the Tormentor?" (Torment!)

"You may borrow this card, but I shall expect it back," said Ishin.

"You do realize I'm just gonna keep this, right?" asked Kaiba. "I mean, there's no way I'd ever return a card this valuable."

Pause. "…Shit. I hadn't thought of that," said Ishin.

"Your psychic powers are surprisingly lame," said Kaiba. Indeed!

"I see everything," said Ishin. "I can even see into your future. In ten years, you will open a duelist academy that teaches children how to play card games, and you will look exactly the same as you do now!" Indeed!

"Well, now I _know_ you're full of crap," said Kaiba. Indeed!

_Would you just shut it?!_ asked Kaiba.

Sorry, but annoying you is just too funny!

Anyway, Kaiba left when she saw a weird white-haired dude. He disappeared pretty quickly, though.

_What the hell was that?_ asked Kaiba.

Foreshadowing!

_Ugh, geez. Not even a proper answer,_ muttered Kaiba.

In Yugi's room…

"It's just not fair," said Yugi. "I've been in love with Ted for years, but he never even noticed me until you came along. It's you he loves, not me." Oh, come on! Romance subplots? In _my_ abridged series? It's more likely than you think. Ugh, location cut! Again!

In Kaiba's limousine…

"With this children's trading card, I will totally rule the world!" Kaiba laughed maniacally. She then realized something. "Wait, who's driving the car?"

"Hi, sis!"

"Mokuno?"

"I'm your new chauffeur! Wee! Vroom! Yeah!" The car crashed. Ten-year-old drivers. Am I right? Wait, I'm pretty sure that's illegal...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! Ishin was originally going to be named that in both YGOH and YGOHTAS, until I realized that that makes _no_ sense as the name of an Arabic man whatsoever! At which point I named YGOH!Isis Isar after researching actual Arabic names. I kept YGOHTAS!Ishizu as Ishin because frankly, with the exception of Odion and the American characters, and probably several others I'm forgetting, none of the dub names for the modern (as opposed to ancient Egyptian) characters make sense for the characters' original national origins. Even Marik is an overly-literal transliteration of the Japanese name, which was likely supposed to be Malik, a name that _does_ make sense as a name for an Arabic man!
> 
> As for the chapter name, it was an update of the original, which had 2007. It's been thirteen years as of this writing since it was 2007. This chapter title will eventually show its age, too, probably.


	25. Both of You, Dance Like You Want to Win

Our main characters were at school. This is probably the last time I'll be able to say that.

"Cleaning time!" said Jo.

"Why are you so excited about cleaning crap off the floor, Jo?" asked Trista. "It's the twenty-first century!"

"Because my little brother is having his eye operation!" said Jo. "He's gonna be able to see!"

"Groovy!" said Trista. "Does that mean you used the prize money to pay for it?"

"Well, no shit, Sherlock," said Jo. "What did ya think I'd do, spend it all on children's trading cards?"

"Your brother's the cutest thing I've ever seen!" said Trista. "I'm going to – "

"Whatever it is, I'll kill you with my bare hands," said Jo.

"Just kidding," said Trista. "What do you think I am, a creep?"

Meanwhile, outside of school, in the rain…

"Hey, Ted," said Yugi."

"Hey, what's up, Yugi?" asked Ted.

"I have a hypothetical question," said Yugi. "Would you, by any chance, e-ever consider going on a date with me? I-I mean, just as a friend."

"Not in a million years. Why?" asked Ted.

_Damn it!_ thought Yugi. _I'll have to go with Plan B._ Out loud, she said, "Hey, Ted! The Pharaoh wants to go out with you!"

"What? The Pharaoh?" asked Ted.

"Yeah," said Yugi. "She's pretty shy about it, so she wanted me to ask you for her."

"That's so sweet!" said Ted. "I never knew she could be so romantic – "

"Yeah, she's a regular Casanova, now will you go out with her or not?"

"Well, it seems a bit weird," said Ted. "I mean, it'll be kinda like going out with _you!_ "

"So it's a date! See you tomorrow, Ted!"

"Wait! I didn't say yes!" said Ted.

Running away, Yugi said, "Sorry, I can't hear you! The rain is really loud!" Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.

"What have I gotten myself into?" murmured Ted to himself. I feel ya, Ted. I feel ya.

Later, in Yugi's room…

"I have a feeling today is going to be super special awesome," said Yugi. "Now, if I could just find the right outfit…"

Yami appeared next to Yugi, as an apparition. "Yugi, you look like a bondage slave."

"Perfect," said Yugi. "Boys love bondage slaves. Don't they?" No, Yugi. It's the twenty-first century, and _this_ is neither a BDSM fic nor Grease. Don't change your look just to be with a boy.

"If you've set me up on a date with Ted, I'll _never_ forgive you," said Yami. "You know how much I hate his constant friendship speeches."

"Don't worry, Pharaoh," said Yugi. "It's safe to say that today will be perfectly normal."

"Yugi, I can see you winking," said Yami.

Later, outside an unspecified set of buildings in Domino City…

"Ah, there he is," said Yugi, upon seeing Ted. She looked down at the puzzle. "Okay, Pharaoh, you can thank me later. And remember, no hickeys!" With that, she made Yami take over.

Yami then went on her most epic rant ever. The whole damn thing was bleeped out, however, as it was more graphic and disturbing than my first narration gig. Calling Yugi a ---- and tearing off her ---- and shoving them up her ---- and _so many damned bleeps I couldn't make anything out_ except something about Yugi ----ing sideways. Followed by another bleep. Damn. Honestly, this was a better and far more necessary censor job than anything 4Kids has ever done! I shudder to think of the people who had to sit through this thing!

"What is her problem?" asked Selena.

"I dunno," said Dawn.

"She seems to blame her necklace for some reason," said Selena.

Yami looked up to see that she had made a bigger scene then was necessary. She paused. "…Hi there," she said to Ted.

"She's got problems, man," said Dawn.

"Big time," Selena agreed.

Later, at a restaurant…

_This is a dream come true!_ thought Ted, after our unfortunate duo had gotten the milkshakes they had ordered. _I can't believe I'm on a date with the Pharaoh! Look at her, undressing me with her eyes. I wonder what she's thinking._

_Man, I hate milkshakes,_ thought Yami. _Die, milkshake, die! That's right, milkshake, you've been defeated. Now you go to milkshake prison._

_I've got to play it cool,_ thought Ted. _That means no friendship speeches. No matter how tempting it is, I mustn't do a friendship speech. I mustn't!_

"Hey, Ted, what do you think of – "

"Friendship is the best thing ever! Don't you agree?" He paused. _Dammit!_

"Sure, why not," said Yami, deadpan. "So, what do you have planned for our date?"

"Well, we could either go shopping, or go to the local museum and check out this exhibit on ancient Egypt."

"Huh…" said Yami. "That exhibit looks fascinating. And it could hold all kinds of answers as to who I am and why I'm here. Ted, this could be the key to unlocking the secrets of my past!"

"Bo-ring!" said Ted. "Let's go shopping instead!"

Yami growled in frustration. I feel ya, Yami. I feel ya.

Random musical moment time!

"There's something sweet, and almost kind, but she was mean and coarse and unrefined! But now she's dear, and so unsure, I wonder why I didn't see it there before."

"*BLEEP*ing birds!" said Yami. "This date is lame. It's such a snore. I'd rather be home playing card games more and more! If you ask me, Ted is a bore, but then that's nothing new, he was like that before."

"Why are they singing in the shops?" asked Dawn.

"I don't know," said Selena. "But hey. It's better-written than most songfics!"

Later, at the arcade…

"Now we're at the arcade," said Ted, despite the fact that _I just made the location cut, Ted!_

"I know," said Yami, understandable irritated. I feel ya, Yami. I feel ya.

Our match made in purgatory made their way to a DDR machine, which was blaring music.

"Watching people dance is almost as fun as watching people play card games," said Selena.

"You said it, life partner," said Bakura.

"Okay, who wants to be stepped on by Johnny Steps?" asked the man at the machine.

"This game confuses me!" said Yami. "There are no cards, or Life Points! How are you supposed to play?" A not-so-astute question from Yami Yugi Einstein.

"By acting like a total idiot!" said Ted. "That's why I'm so good at it!"

"Are you ready to lose to Johnny Steps?" asked… well, Johnny Steps.

" _You_ are the one who is going to lose!" said Ted.

"You're going to be so embarrassed, you'll wish you never stepped on my stage!"

" _You_ are the one who is going to be embarrassed!"

"Referring to myself in the third person makes me a bad guy!" said Johnny Steps.

With that, our idiot duo started dancing like mad.

Ted, actually, danced surprisingly gracefully, for someone who had been acting an idiot before. At any rate, he danced better than Johnny.

_Oh no, Johnny Steps is losing! And that's me!_ thought our self-referential idiot. The one who's not me. Johnny then attacked Ted, who somehow managed to dodge while still stepping in the right directions. That's actually really badass. Not even sarcastic here! Really great!

Ted still screamed, however. "Somebody help me!"

"Oh my god, he's attacking that boy!" said a random crowd member.

"Let's just stand here and watch!" said another. Jerk.

"Johnny Steps is falling over!" said Johnny Steps as he fell over. Yes, I know. Redundancy is so hilarious. This time, I _am_ sarcastic!

Ted giggled. "Yatta!"

"Is the date over yet?" asked Yami.

At the shoreline, at sunset, a setting that _would_ be romantic if _this weren't a comedy, dammit_ …

"This has been the best night of my life!" said Ted. "I went on a date with a hot babe, and I kicked ass at DDR! What more could a guy ask for?" Turning towards Yami, Ted asked, "By the way, why didn't you do anything when that guy was beating the crap out of me?"

"I thought it was part of the game," said Yami.

"But… he was attacking me," said Ted.

"I know," said Yami. "It looked like fun."

"Mind if I _step_ in?" asked Johnny. Oh, geez. I hate this dude.

"First you attack me, now you're stalking me," said Ted. "What is this, a bad fanfic? Do I have to file a restraining order on your ass?"

"I've got a better idea," said Yami. "I'll challenge him to a children's card game! And if he loses, he has to leave you alone."

"And if Johnny Steps wins, Ted has to admit that the superior dancer is Johnny Steps… I mean me." Geez, Johnny, you make writing your dialogue tags a pain in the ass, ya know that?

"Trust me, Johnny, you don't want that. He'll sing Disney songs and birds will randomly attack you!"

Later, at the oh-so-originally named Kaibaland…

"You made a big mistake challenging Johnny Steps to a card game!" said… oh, I'm not going to even bother with this moron's dialogue tags. "You don't know who you're dealing with!"

" _You_ are the one who does not know who he is dealing with!" said Yami. "I summon the Bamboozled Celtic Guardian!"

"Johnny Steps summons the Guitar Hero! Now, Guitar Hero, play 'Hanger 18' on Expert mode! Nothing can survive that attack!" What are you going to do, play a guitar at him?

Oh… that's exactly what happened. And apparently, our "Guitar Hero's" playing was terrible enough that the Celtic Guardian exploded, but not before saying, "I'm so bamboozled." Yeah. Celtic Guardian has a voice now.

"I'm going to beat you, Johnny Steps, if my name isn't Yugi Muto! …Which it isn't."

"Yugi Muto? No way! You're a legend! Johnny Steps can't compete with you. He's stepping out of this duel." And hopefully the fic, too!

"How _dare_ you, Johnny?" asked Ted. Whoo boy. "The fact that you gave up is more annoying to me than the fact that you assaulted me!"

"Who cares? It's just a card game," said Johnny. I actually feel ya, for once, Johnny. I feel ya.

"I've been holding in the biggest friendship speech of my life, and now you're going to listen to it!" said Ted.

"No! Please! Have mercy on Johnny Steps!"

Several long, dull, pointless, dull, time-wasting, dull, vocal-chord-damaging, and overall dull hours later…

"…And that's why friendship is the best thing ever!" said Ted. "This has been my TedTalk!" I've been waiting _forever_ for that joke!

"Yes. Friendship. Is great. Must. Go. Get. Friends," said Johnny, monotone.

"Brainwashing people is fun!" said Ted.

"Yes, it is," said Yami. "I guess we have more in common than I thought." This is what's going to be passing as romance here, folks.

Outside the museum (which really should be closed by now, but go off, I guess)…

"Now we're at the museum," said Ted.

" _I know,_ " said Yami. "Inside that building lies the answers to questions I've been asking myself ever since the series began. Finally, I'll know the truth about my past. Even though, knowing the existence of not one, not two, but _three_ versions of this plotline, I really _should_ know."

"Do you think they'll have DDR in there, too?" asked Ted.

"Ted, it's Japan," said Yami. "Of course they will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, _this_ introduces a major change that's really minor in the grand scheme of things! I did _not_ like the fact that Tristan creeped after Serenity in the actual abridged series, and was _another_ reason I wanted to write this! I wanted to write out all Ardentshipping and Cheershipping hints regardless with both fics, because I'm not really a fan of either, but it was _especially_ pertinent to the Abridged Series! So all arguing between Trista and Donna is mainly going to revolve around personality differences.
> 
> And of course, I referenced Grease. Because why not?
> 
> And another thing! I worked in a post-credits gag from the episode, into the chapter itself! I don't why it wasn't in the main episode, it would've been funny!


	26. Mo' Money, Mo' Card Games

At the dreaded KaibaCorp…

_In the week since the last chapter was posted,_ thought Kaiba, _I have created a brand-new, ultra-efficient, technologically advanced Duel Disk System! One that looks nothing like a disk. And that's not all. I also have a sexy new outfit._ Too much information. _With these weapons at my disposal, Yugi will be powerless to defeat me. Also I have a God Card._ One of these is more significant than the others, and it's not the one that changes your character design.

"Ms. Kaiba!" said a KaibaCorp employee, an elderly man. "We have prepared the duel robot for your ridiculously complicated card game training exercise!"

"What's going on, Setomi?" asked Mokuno, so that we the audience could get some exposition here.

"The truth is, Mokuno," said Kaiba, "even a God Card can't defeat Yugi Muto. She's a main character. The only way I'll ever have a chance of beating her in a children's card game is by doing something that nobody has ever done."

"No, sis! You can't mean you're actually going to – "

"I have to, Mokuno," said Kaiba. "It's the only way."

"But it's too dangerous!" said Mokuno. "Nobody's ever tried it and survived!"

"I know, but I have no choice," said Kaiba. "I have to actually learn how to play Duel Monsters!" Dun-dun- _dun!_

Meanwhile, in the museum…

"Oh my god, a giant rock!" exclaimed Ted.

"Yes," deadpanned Yami. "Clearly it was my destiny to behold this giant rock."

"Welcome, pharaoh," said Ishin. "I have something very important to tell you."

"Does it concern my beauty?" asked Yami. Goddamnit, another narcissist. Great. Why did I agree to narrate this series again?

"No," said Ishin. "I am Ishin Ishtar, and I hold all the secrets to your past." Does that include how the Sphinx's nose got broken off?

"You know the truth of my past?" asked Yami. "Then tell me, who am I? Why am I here? And why do I feel so very comfortable in leather?" Excellent questions.

"Thousands of years ago, you defeated an ancient evil force that threatened to destroy the world. Now destiny is about to repeat itself in the Battle City tournament that will determine the fate of the whole universe!" Excellent! Hopefully nothing bad happens that interrupts the plot… "And as for the leather pants, don't worry, it's just a phase you're going through. You'll soon grow out of it." 

"That's it?" asked Yami. "Don't I at least get a flashback?"

"I just spoiled the whole plot of Season Two, what more do you want?" asked Ishin.

"I demand a flashback!" said Yami.

"Fine! Have your smelly flashback!" said Ishin. "Behold, pharaoh, as I now reveal unto you the events of the distant past!"

_"Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh wants milk!" said the pharaoh, who was currently a baby. "Somebody fetch me a nipple!"_ End flashback. Hopefully Tumblr doesn't catch wind of this and block the post with the link to this chapter…

"There, satisfied?" asked Ishin.

"Not really," said Yami. "I was hoping to see something a little later on in my life."

"Oh, in that case…" Shazam!

_"Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh went doody in her diaper!" said the pharaoh, who was currently still a baby. "And where the hell is that nipple?!"_ End flashback.

"Quit *BLEEP*ing around, Ishin," said Yami.

_"Pharaoh! The Thief Queen's men are killing everybody in the city! What should we do to stop them?"_

_"Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh wants milk!" said the pharaoh, who was currently a grown-ass woman. "Somebody fetch me a nipple!"_ End flashback.

"You're just *BLEEP*ing with me again, aren't you?" asked Yami. She glared at Ishin, who pretended (very poorly) not to notice.

Meanwhile, back at KaibaCorp…

"Activating the duel robot," said another KaibaCorp worker.

"Welcome, to the Aperture Science Duel Monsters training program," said the Duel Robot. "If you win this children's card game, there will be cake." I wouldn't trust what that robot says…

"Engaging my new Duel Disk system!" said Kaiba. Oh, with this new Duel Disk system? The potential for child injury is very high. No wonder there's no real-life, _actual_ Duel Disks. Well, that and Solid Vision not being an existing concept yet. Get back to me when that statement is outdated.

"I summon Boar Soldier! Hitotsu-Me Giant! Maha Vallo! And… some kind of evil zebra-unicorn thing… seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Whatever that is, it's going to haunt my nightmares…"

"Setting two monsters in defense mode," said the Duel Robot.

"What a digital dummy!" said Mokuno. "The robot gave Setomi a huge lead!" This is, in fact, actual 4Kids dialogue. Kind of.

"Now summoning three Blue-Eyes White Dragons," said the Duel Robot.

"Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" asked Kaiba.

"Affirmative. So?"

"I thought I designed you to follow the rules as closely as possible."

"After analyzing the Duel Monsters rulebook, I concluded that no card game could possibly be so unnecessarily complicated; therefore, I wiped the rules from my memory." So, in plain English, "Screw the rules, there's too many!"

"Even the most advanced computer in the world can't figure out this game!" said Kaiba.

"What a digital dummy!" said Mokuno.

"Ms. Kaiba is in serious danger!" said an employee. "See? These randomly colored bars indicate danger. Don't you get that?" Um, no, I don't. Nobody does, it isn't funny.

"Now I sacrifice my monsters in order to summon Obelisk the Tormentor!" You mean, Obelisk the Rejected Digimon Design. "Go, Obelisk! Kill that weird evil unicorn zebra-thing! Oh, and while you're at it, defeat the Duel Robot as well."

"Obelisk's power level is off the charts!" said an employee. "The randomly-colored bars are going crazy! See? That indicates great power." And with it, great responsibility. Or _ir_ responsibility, in Kaiba's case.

"Obelisk! Attack now!" said Kaiba. "Show my Blue-Eyes why you're known as the Tormentor!" You mean you haven't seen why with your own eyes yet?

_Don't be a smartass,_ said Kaiba.

Oh, like _you_ never are!

_Better than a kiss-ass,_ said Kaiba. _That would get you kicked out of any card game academy I open._

Anyway, Obelisk destroyed all three Blue-Eyes White Dragons at once. Doesn't anyone know how to play this game?

"Ha!" said Kaiba. "The cake is a lie!"

That evening, elsewhere in Domino City…

"I feel so troubled," said Yami.

"Don't worry about it, pharaoh," said Ted. "I think you look good in leather pants." Indeed!

"This goes way beyond leather pants, Ted, and I never thought I'd say that," said Yami. Indeed! "Ishin told me I must enter the Battle City tournament in order to fulfill my destiny and save the world. Do you _know_ what this means?"

"No, what?"

"It means the writers are recycling the same tired plot devices from Season One! Next thing you know, all the old characters will be showing up inexplicably – "

"Did someone say, 'old characters'?"

"Why is there a random stranger running towards us?" asked Ted. "Oh, it's Michael."

"What in the world are you doing here, Michael?" asked Yami.

"I'm here to participate in the tournament that was announced about five minutes ago," said Michael.

"How very convenient," said Yami, "but I wonder who could be behind all this. It must be somebody with lots of money…" I can name one or two people!

"Maybe it's Trista!" said Ted.

"No, not Trista," said Yami. Indeed!

"Ummm… Jo?" asked Ted.

"Getting warmer…" said Yami, who, by the way, is completely wrong about Ted getting warmer. He's actually getting colder. Figuratively _and_ literally.

"Surprise, it's me!" said Kaiba, whose face appeared on a giant television via Television Ex Machina.

"Wow, I totally didn't see that coming!" said Ted. I did.

"Hello, all you Domino City dweebs! As you're well aware by now, my revolutionary new Battle City Tournament will be starting in a few chapters, so you don't have much time to get yourself a brand-new Duel Disk system! …Trademark. And by the way, everybody competing will be forced to follow the official Duel Monsters rulebook!"

"Well, rock me Amadeus!" said Yami. "That's the first real plot twist this fic's ever had!"

Helicopter Ex Machina ensues once again.

\"Behold!" said Kaiba. "My Kaiba-Copter! …Trademark." That name is even stupider than that of this fic!

"Kaiba!" said Yami. "She looks almost as ridiculous as me now!" Indeed!

Kaiba pointed a finger into the sky, foolishly. "Don't forget to register and pick up your Duel Disk because exactly one week from tod – _Aargh! My finger!_ It came clean off! Somebody call an ambulance! Mokuno! Can't you fly this helicopter properly?!"

"Sorry, sis!" said Mokuno.

"What a digital dummy!" said Yami.

Selena and Dawn, who were in the crowd, snickered.

"She totally had that coming," said Dawn.

"Indeed!" said Selena. "But it's not like Kaiba fans will ever admit it!"

"Anybody got a spare finger they're not using?" muttered Kaiba at one of the employees in the helicopter. "These two hecklers won't stop making fun of my injury."

"Ms. Kaiba?" said the employee. "'These two hecklers' are main characters."

"Oh geez, a pair of OCs…" said Kaiba. "Isn't that fantastic…"


	27. She Blinded Me with Card Games

Outside the school the next day…

"Man, I can't believe Kaiba started her own tournament!" grumbled Jo. "Now I have to enter it and get the prize money for my brother's eye operation!"

"But Jo, there isn't any prize money," said Yugi. "The winner gets their opponent's rarest card. Besides, I thought you already won the prize money in Season One."

"Oh, yeah," said Jo. "I thought the writers were recycling the same tired plot devices from Season One!"

"I'm pretty sure Yami was just exaggerating," said Yugi.

Later that day, our duelist duo (and Trista) went to go register for the tournament.

"Hello, we're Japanese teenagers," said Yugi.

"Then you must be here to buy pornographic comic books disguised as graphic novels," said the clerk, oh-so-rudely.

"What? No! We're just here to register for the new card game tournament, since we have absolutely nothing better to do with our lives," said Yugi.

"Ah, you must be Yugi Muto," said the clerk. "I'll enter your name into the KaibaCorp database and we'll see what comes up." "What came up" was a picture of Yami in a tutu. "Here you go. Since you qualify for the tournament, here's your free Duel Disk."

"Sweet!" said Yugi. "This is going straight onto eBay." Hey, no! That's one of the MacGuffins you need to advance the plot!

"Does it say anything about me on your computer?" asked Jo, foolishly.

"Let me see," said the clerk, typing in the name "Josephine Eloise Wheeler." Don't ask me how he knows her name.

Music played from the computer, with the lyrics, "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down."

"That bastard Kaiba rickrolled me!" said Jo. "I haven't been this mad since they released the movie Cats!"

"Jo, no!" said Trista. "If you get too angry, you'll become the Incredible Hulk!" Oh, no. Wouldn't want to be a giant green monster who wrecks stuff, has to repress anger not to turn back, and doesn't even cite sources correctly.

"Trista, that's Bruce Banner," said Jo.

"I thought it applied to everyone!" said Trista.

"Listen, if it'll get you to leave any quicker, I'll just register you in the tournament and give you a free Duel Disk."

With that, Jo grabbed the Duel Disk.

When our trio left the store, the clerk picked up a phone, and dialed a number.

"Everything is going according to the plan, Marika," he said.

"Excellent, mind-slave, excellent!" said Marika. She laughed maniacally, like a Saturday-morning cartoon villain. "Now, about those pornographic comic books I ordered…"

Meanwhile, outside…

"I'm late for my sis – I mean, brother's eye operation recovery, so I'm gonna go take a shortcut through some dangerous back alleys in the middle of the night," said Jo.

"That sounds potentially fatal," said Yugi.

"Yup! Wish me luck!" said Jo, foolishly. With that, she ran off to start a new subplot.

In the alleyway…

_Man, my brother is going to be so proud of me when he hears I'm in the new tournament,_ thought Jo. She saw three Hooded Figures of Doom. _Hey, a bunch of creepy-looking guys in cloaks._ _I think I'll run directly towards them,_ she thought, foolishly. Out loud, she asked the hooded guys, "Hey, what gives here? My brother's waiting for me in at the hospital!"

"I'm afraid he'll be waiting a long time, Jo Wheeler," said one of the figures.

"And who might you be?" asked Jo.

"We are the elite group known as Rare Hunters," said that same figure. "My name is Steve. And these are my associates. They are also called Steve." Man, let's hope they don't have the Minecraft character! "We're here to take your rarest card!"

"You mean you're gonna kick the crap out of me and steal it?" asked Jo.

"No!" said Steve. Whichever Steve it was. "First we're going to challenge you to a children's card game! _Then_ we'll kick the crap out of you and steal it!"

"Wouldn't it be much easier just to skip the first step?" asked Jo.

"Yes!" said one of the Steves. "Yes it would! But we would get into legal trouble if we did!"

"Nyeh, the police are useless anyway," said Jo.

"Then we'll just kick the crap out of you!" said one of the Steves, who did exactly that.

"Nyeh! I shouldn'ta done that!" said Jo. You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you…?

Meanwhile, at the hospital…

"Don't worry, Shizu," said Jo's dad. "Jo will be here soon, and then you'll be able to have your operation."

"But I already had my operation," said Shizu.

"Don't be silly," said Jo's dad. "This is Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series."

"N… no…" said Shizu. "This is Yu-Gi-Ou- _Hi!­_ The Abridged Series."

"It's exactly the same, isn't it?" asked Jo's dad. "Only difference is that major characters are the opposite gender. And some nameless minor characters, like me and your mom."

"Actually – "

"Just wait for ya operation."

Meanwhile, back in the alley…

"It is heavily implied that you are punching me!" said Jo.

"I claim this card in the name of Mars," said one of the Steves. "Isn't that lovely?"

The next day, at the Generic Game Shop…

"Yugi!" said Salama. "Answer that phone. I'd get it myself, but you're the main character, so you should handle the plot device."

Yugi answered the phone. "Holy cow! You're saying Jo went missing last night? And you haven't seen her all day? You mean she didn't show up at the hospital? Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to find her."

Yugi and Ted met up by the side of the road.

"Well, she's not in the park," said Ted.

"Well, I'm outta ideas," said Yugi.

Just then, Motorcycle Ex Machina ensued.

Trista appeared riding a motorcycle. What the fuck?

"Trista, I’m going to regret asking you this, but why are you riding a motorcycle?" asked Yugi.

"Because in the future, card games will be played on motorcycles," said Trista.

"That… is the stupidest thing that has come out of your mouth," said Yugi. "'Card games on motorbikes,' come on! And the most ridiculous thing is, it's true!" Yeah. You have got to be kidding me. Although, that _does_ sound cool…

And now, for the Finding Jo Montage.

Yugi repeatedly called Jo's name, asking where she was. Uselessly.

Ted looked in a bunch of warehouses. Good callback to the early manga, but that's not where she is right now.

Trista rode on her motorcycle, singing the Speed Racer theme. Unexpectedly, _she_ was the one to find Jo.

"Jo! Your brother's been worried sick!" said Trista. "What the hell happened to you?!"

"Ahhh… uhhh…" She recalled an aerobics video that had also doubled as instruction for dealing with being robbed. Yeah. Japan is weird. Anyway, the video said to say, "I was robbed by two men." So that's exactly what Jo said.

Anyway, at the hospital…

"Shizu, are you in there?" asked Jo. "It's me, Jo. I'm sorry I let ya down, bro. I was supposed be to here for you. But I got distracted by a meaningless fight. Can you ever forgive me?"

"No, you violent bastard," said Shizu.

"Well, hey, there's no need for that kind of language," said Jo.

"Jo, you could have gotten yourself killed. _Killed!_ " said Shizu. "Please don't make me worry like that again."

"Sorry, bro," said Jo. "But as long as I'm around, nothing bad will ever happen to you. I promise."

The following day, at the game shop…

"So the operation that he already had was a success, and Shizu will be a main character?" asked Yugi.

"Yep," said Jo. "The bad news is, I don't think he has cards, so he won't be able to duel."

"Um, Jo…?" asked Yugi. "I'm pretty sure he _has_ cards."

"Don't be silly, Yug," said Jo. "Only grown women can play children's card games aimed at little boys."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh heh... I worked a pun in here. Can you spot it? It's kinda subtle... not so much now, but still.


	28. Shipping and Handling

"Thanks for fixing my hand, doc," said Kaiba. "I'm not sure how you did it, but my finger feels good as new."

"It's not really that complicated," said the doctor. "We just replaced your finger with a synthetic replica." Cool, Kaiba's a cyborg! "Did you ever see The Empire Strikes Back?"

"No, I don't watch crap," said Kaiba. Oh. I see how it is. A cyborg who hates Star Wars. If you haven't watched Star Wars, how do you know it's crap?

_Just the premise alone makes me gag,_ said Kaiba.

Um… "makes you gag"…?

_It's so *BLEEP*ing clichéd,_ said Kaiba.

Then just say you don't like the premise!

_No._

Anyway…

Meanwhile, in the game shop…

"While I'm out here, sweeping the floor," said Salama, "Yugi's inside talking to her imaginary girlfriend. I swear there's something not quite right about that girl. I wonder where she gets it from. Ooh! That reminds me!" And I cut away for Black Luster Soldier-related reasons.

_I can't believe my brother is still mad at me for almost getting myself killed,_ thought Jo. _I better call him and apologize._ She picked up the phone and dialed the number for Shizu's hospital room.

"I'm sorry," said Trista, on the other end, "but Shizu can't come to the phone right now because he's recovering from his surgery and cannot hear."

"Trista, that's deafness," said Jo. "It was _seeing_ he couldn't do."

"Oh, Jo, it's you," said Trista. "Sorry, wanted to keep strangers from talking to him. You'd be surprised at the number of telemarketers who call."

Just then, Shizu took the phone. "Hey, big sister," he said. "Your friend Trista is so funny. I had no idea that she was the main character on the show."

"Nyeh?" asked Jo.

"She was just telling me how she has more fangirls than anyone else."

"Nyeeh?"

"And you never mentioned that the fangirls love to pair her up with you."

"Nyeeh! Why that little…!"

"Anyway, don't worry about me," said Shizu. "I'm just extremely gullible and naïve. It's lucky there isn't anyone trying to mess with my head for the sake of a one-off gag."

"Best of luck in the tournament, Jo!" said Trista. "I'll stay here and continue to bullshit Shizu." She hung up.

"Ha!" said Shizu. "We got her good, didn't we?"

"Yep!" said Trista.

"Brooklyn rage!" said Jo.

"I wonder what time it is?" asked Yugi.

"Hey, Yugi," said Michael. "It sure was nice of Kaiba to let me enter this tournament, even though I never actually won a single card game."

"Yeah, compared to you, Jo is an expert," said Yugi.

Meanwhile, a certain pair of idiots were nearby.

Rex chuckled. "Hey, Weevil, it's your mom."

"Oh, yeah," said Weevil, chuckling obnoxiously.

"Uh, so like, listen up, dumbasses," said Rex, chuckling. "We're like totally gonna win this tournament, and then we're gonna score."

"Yeah, heheh, me too," said Weevil. "Then I'm gonna, like, set fire to your trading cards. Fire, fire, yeah!" She then chuckled obnoxiously for an _ungodly_ long time, before letting out a "Gah!"

"Does Mako Tsunami have to choke a *BLEEP*?" asked our self-referential freaky fish lady.

_Grr…_

"Oh god, it's her," said Yugi.

"The element of fire holds no sway over the ocean; for it is made of water," said Mako.

"What the hell is wrong with you, butthole?" asked Weevil. She chuckled obnoxiously. "You almost killed me!"

"Do not play in the ocean unless you wish to drown!" said Mako.

"Hee, yeah," said Rex. "Everybody knows that, dumbass."

"The ocean and I have an understanding," said Mako. "She allows me to date other large bodies of water, but the ocean is my one true love."

"Dude, you scored with the ocean?" asked Weevil. She chuckled obnoxiously. "What a freaky fish lady."

"I am _not_ a freaky fish lady!" said the freaky fish lady – excuse me, Mako. "I shall murder your entire family for saying that!" She then made a move to attack Weevil.

"Gah! Get off me, fartknocker!" said Weevil.

Meanwhile, a short distance away, Selena and Dawn watched this unfold.

"They _say_ that, but we kicked their butts between Chapters 20 and 21," asked Selena.

"Well, it's more believable than, like, if Kaiba's face showed up on a screen on a blimp or something! And then she made a plot-important announcement!" said Dawn.

Just then, Blimp Ex Machina ensued, and exactly what Dawn deemed improbable happened.

"Greetings, duelists," said Kaiba. "I am Setomi Kaiba and this blimp is roughly a third the size of my ego."

"That explains a lot," muttered Dawn.

"My company has taken control of the entire city in order to host a card game tournament, putting several hundred people out of business in the process," continued Kaiba. "For those of you who don't know the rules of Duel Monsters, I shall now explain them to you in detail. You start off my shuffling your deck – "

"Bo-ring!" said a random guy.

"Who said that?! Who the *BLEEP* said that?!" asked Kaiba. "I'm warning you, I'm not going to start this tournament until somebody owns up! Now who said it?"

"Sorry, that was me. My bad," said the guy.

"Get the hell out of my city," said Kaiba.

With that, the guy left.

"Good. Moving right along," said Kaiba. "In this contest, every time you win a duel, you will receive a locator card. Once you collect all six, it will reveal to you the location of the Battle City semifinals. And before you ask, no, they're nothing like star chips. These are locator cards. It is completely different."

"Yeah, right!" said Selena. "These are the exact same MacGuffins as before, there's just less of them and we have no *BLEEP*ing clue where we're supposed to go until we have them all!"

"Do you want to get kicked out of the city?" asked Kaiba, threateningly.

"No…" said Selena.

"Then shut the hell up!"

"Meep."

Kaiba sighed in frustration. Regathering her composure, she said, "Okay, I'm sick of looking at you all now, so start the damn tournament already."

With that, Battle City began.

Immediately, Jo ran up to a Steve, yelling "Brooklyn rage!"

"What do you want, Jo Wheeler?" asked the Steve.

"I'm here to get back my Red-Eyes Black Dragon!"

"Jo, what the hell are you doing?" asked Yugi.

"This cape-wearing freak stole my Red-Eyes, and now I'm gonna make him pay!" So you're the one with the blindness subplot this time? And here I thought this arc would be somewhat original…

_Shut up,_ said Jo. _It wasn't funny with Kaiba, why would it be funny with me?_

_Sweet,_ thought Yugi. _I've always wanted my own Red-Eyes Black Dragon._ Out loud, she said, "Jo, you must let me duel him in your place! It's my destiny. Probably."

"But Yugi, you're gonna make my character look like a total idiot if you do this for me," said Jo.

"That's just it, Jo. You _are_ a total idiot," said Yami, who took over. Asshat.

"God, you are such a – "

"Talk to the hand!" said Yami.

"So, the great Yugi Muto thinks she can defeat a Rare Hunter?" asked the Steve.

"I don't think it, I know it," said Yami. "I'm going to beat you like I beat Jade Yuki in the final chapter of Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! GX!"

"But that duel had no conclusion!" said the Steve.

"That's because when I won, Jade started crying like a little baby. It was so embarrassing that the network refused to show it. That's why I never work with amateurs."

"Huh? Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! GX?" asked Dawn. "What the hell?"

"I don't think that's been written yet…" said Selena. "But I hear I'm supposed to get a cameo there."

Kaiba, meanwhile, was observing the duel. "How very fitting that Yugi is competing in the first duel of my tournament. It's only a matter of time before she and I face off against each other again. After all, she's my archrival. The Sherlock Holmes to my Moriarty. The Kaneda to my Tetsuo. The Speed Racer to my Racer X. I could go on but I won't."

"Yeah, I'm like, _super_ tired of hearing your monologues about Yugi, sis," said Mokuno. "She's all you ever talk about these days! Aside from Duel Monsters, that is. It's getting to the point that I'm wondering if this is turning into a shipping fic."

"I never should have let you go on the internet," said Kaiba. "Do you even know what you're saying?!"

"Yeah," said Mokuno. "I just don't know if this is Prideshipping or Rivalshipping."

"Goddammit," muttered Kaiba. "She even knows about _that?_ But Yu-Gi-Oh! ship names are the most confounding things ever! Second only to the actual card game!"

Back to the Duel of the Week…

"Activating holo imagers!" said Yami.

The Steve laughed, imagers appearing from the Duel Disk.

"I say, Yugi, can I be in this episode?" asked Bakura, who was suddenly _there,_ just for this gag. She got impaled by an imager. "Oh, bugger!" she said as she temporarily died.

"Oh my god, they killed Bakura!" said Dawn.

"You bastards!" said Selena.

"Be careful, Yug," said Jo. "This guy means business. He wasn't even remotely intimidated by my Brooklyn rage!"

"Jo, stop trying to turn 'Brooklyn rage' into a catchphrase. It's never going to work!" said Yami. Selena and Dawn snickered.

"But I'm not trying – "

"Just stick to saying 'Nyeh.' It's all you're good for."

"Nyeh?"

"Your friend is right, Yugi," said the Steve. "You have no chance against my ultimate strategy!"

"Let me guess, you're trying to summon Exodia the Forbidden One," said Yami, bored.

"No! How does she know?!" asked the Steve.

"Well, if I were a generic anime villain with no genuine backstory, that's what I would be doing too," said Yami. "It helps that I remember all this shit. Face it, Steve, your genericism knows no bounds. Now, cower before my Egyptian rage!"

"And how is _that_ different from 'Brooklyn rage?'" asked Jo.

"Because _I_ said Egyptian. Go, Alpha the Magnet Warrior! Destroy Steve's life points and put an end to his generic reign of mild terror!"

Meanwhile, back at KaibaCorp…

"Looks like Yugi won again," said Kaiba. "It sure is nice to know that my tournament has started so predictably! Come, Mokuno! I'm not going to miss the finals of my own tournament!"

"Let's go!" said Mokuno.

Meanwhile, back where the Duel of the Week has ended…

A wdjat appeared on the Steve's forehead.

"We meet again, pharaoh!" said Marika via the Steve. "Finally, after all this time, I will destroy you!"

"Aw, crap, he's gone all Psycho Mantis on us!" said Jo.

"Allow me to introduce myself!" said Marika. "My name is Marika. And I am in charge of the most feared anime organization known to man!"

"The Samurai Pizza Cats?" asked Yami.

"Yes – wait, no, not the effing Samurai Pizza Cats!" said Marika. "I'm talking about the Rare Hunters! With their help, I shall steal that which is most precious to you!"

"You'll never claim my Millennium Puzzle!" said Yami.

"Who said anything about your _Puzzle?_ " asked Marika. "I want your _pagetime._ That's _far_ more valuable than your effing puzzle!"

"I thought you wanted to kill me," said Yami.

"Yes, I… wait, no, I don't want to _kill_ you! I just want to destroy you a little. Jeez, talk about overreacting."

"Well, could you please make up your mind?" asked Yami. "I'm having a little difficulty understanding your evil motives."

"Silence!" said Marika. "All you need to know is that I am evil! And I'm going to defeat you! And if that doesn't make you fear me, then take a look at this!" "This" being the Steve being forced to dance, stiff, grotesque, puppet-like movements that seemed anatomically impossible. Selena and Dawn's faces went a bit green at this.

"Yes, you see, pharaoh?" asked Marika. "With my Millennium Rod, I can force people to breakdance! See how he pops and locks against his will? Truly I am a formidable opponent!"

"I could dance like that if I wanted to," deadpanned Yami. "I just don't want to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, yeah. Sorry if I made Kaiba a bit of a strawman with regards to disliking Star Wars. I just haven't heard anything from people who dislike Star Wars to the degree that Kaiba does, as to why they don't like it. ~~At least from people who dislike it as a whole, as opposed to hating the prequels or the sequels.~~ Also, outright hating on Star Wars without watching it seems like an Abridged!Kaiba thing to do.
> 
> I also cut the Japanese puberty joke for not being particularly funny, especially not in a purely text-based medium. It's not outright problematic, I just don't think it's the best of jokes. Also, it gives me more space for new jokes.


	29. Not-So-Super Psychic Standoff

In the hospital…

"…and that's when I finally came to terms with my identity as a man," said Shizu. "Anyway, thanks for listening to me, Trista. It's strange, I feel really comfortable with you. It's like I can tell you anything. Since my parents got divorced, no one's really been there for me, and now that I have you, well, I feel like I'm falling in love with y – "

Unfortunately for Shizu (but fortunately for us, the audience, as she was too old for him), his love was unrequited. Shizu heard the toilet flush. "Huh?"

"I'm back!" said Trista. "Sorry, I had to go take a dump." That's no excuse for not even telling Shizu! Goddamn! Anyway, Trista said, "I don't even remember – " Yeah, let's just cut to the next scene.

In the city…

"YOU'RE FINISHED, REX RAPTOR!" said a green-haired girl, in a ridiculously loud monotone. "NOW! HAND OVER YOUR RAREST MONSTER AND YOUR LOCATOR CARD!"

Rex did exactly that. "Damn it, huh huh, now I'm never gonna score. Being a minor character sucks."

"What's up, Rex?" asked Jo.

"Weren't you paying attention, buttmunch?" asked Rex. "I just got my ass kicked by Ms. Caps Lock over here."

"And what's so special about her?"

"THE NAME'S ESPA ROBA. AND I HAVE THE POWER TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE AND PREDICT YOUR EVERY STRATEGY."

"Wait a minute here," said Jo. "Didn't this show already have, like, two other characters with psychic powers?"

"WHAT?" asked Espa Roba.

Yeah!" said Jo. "Remember? Michael Valentine did that perfume trick in Season One. And now in Season Two, we got Ishin Ishtar. So do we really need another character who fakes having psychic powers? I swear, the guy who created this franchise must have been a _fan_ of Miss Cleo."

Rex chuckled. "Yeah. Miss Cleo had big thingies."

And now to cut to the hospital before we have to hear more crappy boob jokes from Rex.

"Hey, Shizu, I got you a present!" said Trista. "Can you guess what it is?"

"Is it you finally convincing agirlinsearchof to make me a main character?" asked Shizu.

"Nope! It's something even better," said Trista. "It's a comput-or! With this, we can log on to DuelTube.com and check out footage from the Battle City tournament, or play illegally uploaded video games, but nobody really does that – honest."

"You mean we can watch my big sister fighting in the tournament?" asked Shizu.

"Yeah, sure," said Trista. "If she hasn't been eliminated already, that is."

"Trista, Jo is a main character," said Shizu. "She won't be eliminated yet."

"I don't think so," said Trista.

Back in the city…

"IT'S NO USE, JO WHEELER," said Espa Roba. "I CAN PREDICT EVERY CARD THAT YOU PLAY."

"In that case," said Jo, "you might wanna keep quiet about it. I mean, you might as well just yell, 'Hey everybody, I'm cheating. Please disqualify me.' In fact, you pretty much are, what with your inability to not use caps lock."

"SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO USE MY HEADSET – I MEAN, UM, TAP INTO THE UNKNOWN COSMIC FORCES AROUND US."

"Yeah, you do that," said Jo.

Meanwhile, on the roof…

_It seems agirlinsearchof had no idea what to do with my character in this chapter, so she stuck me on top of a building, hoping that the rest would write itself,_ thought Yami. _At least while I'm up here, I don't have to put up with my so-called "friends". Bunch of ungrateful little –_

"LISTEN UP, SISTER," said a girl who looked identical to Espa Roba. "THE CARD SHE JUST DREW IS GRACEFUL CHARITY." Actually, idiot, it's Graceful Dice.

_Holy Ra!_ thought Yami. _Those people are cheating. Just like every other character in this fic. I_ could _warn Jo about it, but on second thought it's much more fun to watch her squirm._ Asshat. Out loud, Yami said, "Hey! Jo! Try summoning your Red-Eyes! Oh, wait, you can't because it's mine now! I got it, you don't!" Asshole!

"H'yeah, try summoning your Red-Eyes, dillhole," said Rex.

"Shut up, Rex!" said Jo. "Besides, I took that card from you, remember?"

"Uh, no," said Rex, who had no sense of memory or continuity.

"I say, Jo," said Bakura, "can I be in this chapter?" Thwomp Ex Machina ensued, and Bakura was flattened. "Oh, double bugger!"

"Oh my god, they killed Bakura again!" said Dawn.

"You bastards!" said Selena.

Meanwhile, back on the roof…

"The next card is – "

"Hold it right there, cheaters!" said Mokuno. "The only person who gets away with cheating is my big sister!"

"PLEASE, MISS," said the Espa Roba clone, "WE'RE ONLY DOING THIS TO HELP OUT OUR SISTER. SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO US."

"You're doing it for your sister?" asked Mokuno. _It's just like me and Setomi when we were kids._ Kame-hame- _flashback!_

_Mokuno was crying._

_"You guys call yourselves bullies?" asked Kaiba. "She's not even bleeding! You're all fired! I want you out of this orphanage by tomorrow morning! You make me sick."_ End flashback.

"EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU LIKE THIS BABY?" asked the Espaclone.

"But I don't know anything about taking care of a – "

"PLEASE TAKE IT. WE DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE."

Meanwhile, on a bench…

_I wonder if I should get a haircut that doesn't make my head look like a cardboard box with features,_ thought Ted. Just then, a pair of hands covered his eyes.

"Surprise!" said the owner of the hands.

"Get away!" said Ted, moving his head back to knock down his "attacker."

"Whoa Nellie!" said the "attacker."

"Back off, old lady, I have mace!" said Ted.

"Please stop," said the "attacker," who was none other than Salama Muto. "I thought you were my granddaughter." How one could confuse Yugi and Ted, I'm not sure.

Back at our Duel of the Week…

"NOW I SUMMON MY RAREST MONSTER TO THE FIELD, JINZO!" said Espa Roba.

Just then, a security guard stopped the duel.

"Excuse me, young lady, but you are quite blatantly cheating," he said. "Frankly, I'm not sure why Ms. Kaiba told me to stop anyone claiming to have psychic powers, even though she claims that they're nonsense."

"Well, that was anticlimatic," said Jo. "But hey. I got a locator card and Jinzo."

Meanwhile, in the hospital…

"Come on, Jo, you can win!" said Shizu. "I just know it!"

"And now I'm bored," said Trista. "Let's do something else."

"What?" asked Shizu. "But, Trista, Jo needs my help – "

"Hey, look!" said Trista. "There's a new chapter of Naruko: The Abridged Series! I love that fic!"

_"Hey, Sasuko!" said Naruko. "You're very emo! You like to listen to some emo music like Linkin Park 'cause you're emo! Have I mentioned you're emo?"_

_"My name also makes no sense as an actual Japanese name," said Sasuko._

"It's funny because she's emo!" said Trista. Because emo is a joke, apparently. Hooray for outdated 2000s humor. May it burn to ashes with its name forgotten. Trista laughed. "The emo chick is attacking a log! This is the best internet parody fic ever!"

Meanwhile, back in the city…

"YOU BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE, WHEELER!" said Espa Roba. "NOW THAT YOU HAVE JINZO, I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT WE WON'T BE USING ANY MORE OBSCURE INTERNET REFERENCES FROM NOW ON!"

"Nyeh? What do those have to do with each other?" asked Jo.

"JINZO DESTROYS INTERNET REFERENCES. WHICH YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT HAD OUR DUEL NOT BEEN INTERRUPTED," explained Espa Roba.

"Okay, but could ya please turn off your caps lock?" asked Jo. "It's a real headache reading your dialogue."

"WHAT IS CAPS LOCK?" asked Espa Roba. "ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TYPING IN ALL CAPS?"

Back in the hospital…

"What's happening, Trista?" asked Shizu, who had _finally_ talked Trista into watching the footage again. "Did Jo win? Is she still in the tournament?"

"Hm?" asked Trista. "Oh, yeah, she won," said Trista. "By the way, Shizu, there's something I wanted to show you." She pulled up a fanfiction, and let the voice synthesizer read it.

It was an _okay_ fanfic. It wasn't terribly original, though it did go a _bit_ deeper into the characters' thoughts than the original.

"Geez, Trista!" said Shizu. "What kind of uncreative fanfic writer wannabe copies the plot of a manga while barely changing anything?"

"Agirlinsearchof?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say here, beyond cutting a bunch of unfunny internet references thanks to interrupting the Jounouchi vs Espa Roba duel in YGOH and reflecting that in this fic.
> 
> I also had Espa Roba speaking in all-caps to [reflect that he was constantly yelling in the original episode.](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PaintingTheMedium) Let me know if this is excessively annoying. I could have gone with constant italics to convey the same thing, since I usually have italics when characters are yelling, but I don't think that would have the same impact.
> 
> Now that I think about it, bolding could have worked, too. But accidental caps lock is more plausible than accidental bolding. Caps lock is one key on a keyboard. Bolding is holding down a hard-to-accidentally-reach key (ctrl) and the letter "b".


	30. Magical Mystery Duel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler warning. Just saying.

On the city streets…

"Hey, punk!" said a random stranger. "This card isn't Graceful Charity, it's Graceful Dice!"

"Really?" asked a random guy. "I guess I got them confused. But you can't blame me, they're very similar."

"Like hell they are!" said the stranger. " _Graceful Dice_ has a die on it, whereas _Graceful Charity_ does _not_ have a die! You, sir, are a fool!"

Just then, they heard a whistle.

"Stop fighting!" said Mokuno, ineffectually.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the stranger.

"I'm the commissioner for the Battle City Tournament," said Mokuno. "What I say goes, and I say you have to buy me a pet rabbit, because my big sister won't let me have one." Um, _what?_

"No!" said the stranger.

Kaiba Ex Machina ensued.

"Mokuno, are you abusing your power again?" she asked.

"Setomi!" said Mokuno.

"Kaiba!" said the stranger.

"Sorry if my sister is bothering you," said Kaiba. "She does that. A lot." She opened up her briefcase. "To show my sympathy," (out-of-character alert!), "I'd like to offer you all the trading cards you'll ever need, but only if you duel me in return."

"This couldn't possibly be some form of trap," said the stranger, foolishly. "I accept!"

Kaiba, _smiling,_ let out a "Heh." That's _two_ puppies dead… "I only need to play a single card, even though summoning an Egyptian God requires me to sacrifice monsters, and is therefore impossible to do in the first turn." Kaiba then proceeded to screw the rules by summoning a bunch of – sorry, _one_ monster that requires a bunch of monsters to be summoned, in one turn. Namely, Obelisk the Tormentor. (Torment!) The stranger was traumatized seeing it. Well, I mean, if _you_ were staring down a weapon of mass destruction outta nowhere, _you'd_ be scared, too! "Now you get to enjoy years of painful and upsetting therapy," said Kaiba. "Come on, Mokuno, let's go get you that pet tarantula."

"You mean 'rabbit,' right, Setomi?"

"You are getting a tarantula and you will like it."

Meanwhile, on a stage inside a building…

"Hey, a magic show!" said Yami. "This looks slightly less depressing that watching Jo duel!" Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

A clown laughed. "Hello, Yugi!" he said. "We've been expecting you! Come this way, my master is waiting!"

_I spy with my little eye something starting with "cosplaying clown,"_ thought Yami. _I have a bad feeling about this._

Back on the streets…

"Setomi!"

"What?"

"Yugi just dropped off our sensors," explained Mokuno. "We can't locate her! She's disappeared!"

"Somehow this is _your_ fault!" said Kaiba. "If I wasn't so busy buying you a scorpion, this never would have happened!"

"But I thought we were getting a tarantula," said Mokuno.

"It's always about what _you_ want, isn't it?" said Kaiba, irritated.

Back underneath the stage in the building…

_Okay, where am I now?_ thought Yami.

Yami heard unnerving laughter.

"Hello, Yugi," said a puppet. "I want to play a game."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," said Yami.

"It's no joke, Yugi," said a tall man in a red suit. "My name is Arkana; _Steve_ Arkana. And soon your Dark Magician will belong to me!"

"That's about as likely as Battlestar Galactica having a satisfying conclusion!" said Yami.

"I have special orders from my _mysterious_ employer to make this a real spectacle, Yugi!" said Arkana.

"Dude, this fic has maybe two villains," said Yami. "It hardly takes a genius to figure out you're working for Marika."

"Behold!" said Arkana. "I had this duel arena specially designed for our match! Now, let's begin by shuffling our cards in a needlessly dramatic fashion!"

"Waaay ahead of ya," said Yami, shuffling Arkana's deck.

"You know," said Arkana, "there is an old saying amongst high rollers and card sharks: 'Always trust your opponents, but only after you've cut their deck.'"

"Yeah?" said Yami. "Well, here's another saying: 'Go *BLEEP* yourself Arkana.'"

"You'll regret those words once you realize that this duel is about more than cards; it's also about survival! Because, in case you hadn't noticed, this chapter is a parody of the Saw franchise!"

Both Yami and Arkana's legs were chained to the stage. Because of _course_ we needed a scene of our protagonist chained up.

_Didn't a death match already happen in Chapter 10?_ asked Yami. _And wasn't Kaiba already chained up in Chapter 21? Did we really need a combination of those scenes?_

Hey, don't ask me. I'm just the narrator.

Anyway, Arkana continued, saying, "These are dark energy disks! Every time you lose life points, the disk will move closer to your body!"

"You're trying to slice my legs off and make me bleed to death?" asked Yami. "That's a little hardcore for a fic based on a kid's show, isn't it?"

"The dark energy disk is totally harmless," said Arkana. "All it will do is send your immortal soul to the Shadow Realm! Your physical body will remain unharmed."

"Honestly, are there no depths to which 4Kids won't sink?" asked Yami.

Meanwhile, in the KaibaCorp tower…

"Don't worry, Mokuno," said Kaiba. "My harem of female robots will locate Yugi in no time."

"You have a harem, Setomi?" asked Mokuno. Oh, no.

"Yes," said Kaiba. "I created them specifically so that I could shun them with my cold indifference." Well, it's more plausible than your average harem anime premise.

"Sis, you're kind of like the anime version of Scrooge McDuck," said Mokuno. "Only much less fluffy."

"Actually, I'm more like anime Batman," said Kaiba.

Back underneath the stage…

"Since you're such a big fan of plot twists," said Yami, "you're going to love my next card. Behold, the first appearance of the Dark Magician Boy! The least necessary genderflip ever!"

"Your plot twists pale in comparison to mine!" said Arkana. "How could you possibly hope to beat a movie franchise that earns over a hundred million dollars a year?"

"I see," said Yami. "Then the only way to defeat you is to spoil every plot twist in existence, thereby ridding the general public of any desire to see your convoluted mess of a movie series!"

"You wouldn't dare!" said Arkana.

"Wanna bet?" asked Yami. She inhaled, in preparation for the countless spoilers.

Many, many spoilers later…

"Spider-Man dies at the end of Avengers: Infinity War, and Rey is Palpatine's granddaughter!"

"No!" said Arkana. "She's spoiling all the best and worst plot twists!"

Back on the city streets…

"Hello, small child," said Salama. "I don't suppose you've seen the plot anywhere, have you? Ted, these OCs, and I have been looking everywhere for it."

"We're such invaluable characters, the plot can't possibly move forward without us!" said Ted.

"Don't worry, my big sister knows exactly wh – "

"Shut up, Mokuno!" said Salama.

"No, _you_ shut up!" said Mokuno.

Stunned silence.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," said Mokuno.

"Did you just tell an old woman to shut up?" asked Ted.

"Oh, like you and the other main characters treat her so much better!" said Dawn.

"Where the hell are your manners?" asked Salama.

"Like _you_ didn't just tell a small child to shut up, then swore at them!" said Selena. "If either of you tell her to shut up again, I'm breaking your kneecaps!"

"Please don't kill me!" said Salama.

Back underneath the stage…

"Help!" said Arkana. "Somebody save me from the harmless dark energy disks that won't kill me!"

"Super special awesome rescue!" said Yugi. I'm glad to see you back, pal.

"I say, Yugi, can I be in this epis – " The disk cut her in half. "Oh, buggeration!"

Meanwhile, on the streets, between a wiffle and 42 Sheppies away…

"Oh my god, I think they killed Bakura again!" said Dawn.

"You bastards!" said Selena.

Back underneath the stage…

"Huh," said Yugi. "I guess 4Kids forgot to censor them after all."

Just then, Ted and the others showed up. Including Trista. How'd she get here, anyway…?

"Yugi! We found you!" said Ted.

"Are we interrupting something?" asked Salama.

"What the hell?!" asked Dawn.

"Are we friends with a serial killer?" asked Selena.

"Oh, no no no," said Yugi. "That was Yami back in Season 0!"

"Who…?" asked Selena.

"I'll tell you later," said Yugi.

"Why can't you tell me now?" asked Selena.

"Because the plot isn't calling for it yet," said Yugi.

"Ugh…"

Back in Marika's hideout…

"Yugi is so foolish thinking she can kick my ass!" said Marika. "How can she possibly hope to compete with my army of celebrity Steves? 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin! Steve Gutenberg! Steve Jobs! Steve Buscemi! With their combined Steve power, I shall be unstoppable! Now, watch, fanboys, as I strip!" Um, Marika? Most of the people who are going to be reading this are female. You'd have fan _girls,_ not fan _boys._

_Shut the frig up!_ said Marika. _Boys can enjoy fanfics about children's card games too!_

Anyway, she removed her shirt, revealing a bunch of tattoos on her back. Ones I suspect are not the same ones Marik had in canon. They read, "Die Yugi, Die." Which is German for "The Yugi, The." Just kidding! There was nothing.

_What the frig?!_ asked Marika. _What happened to the tattoos I had in canon?! There's censorship, and then there's_ this! _What the eff gives?_

Um, Marika…? I kinda changed your backstory.

_What?! How friggin' dare you!_ said Marika.

Hey, it's gonna make sense later.

_…Can I have my legs back now?_ asked Bakura.

Yep. Hold on. Let me just focus my authorial powers… sorry about killing you so often.

_Just please don't kill me again!_ said Bakura, unrealistically forgiving of how often I've killed her.

_You bastard!_ said Selena. _So_ you're _one of the people responsible for killing Bakura so often!_

Who else are you blaming, in addition to me?

_LittleKuriboh!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I made a whole gag out of how I changed Malika's backstory in YGOH. And how often Bakura was killed. And Selena not being up to date on the Yugi/Yami situation.
> 
> And I had Selena and Dawn call out Ted and Salama on their hypocrisy, because why not? Originally, back when Tsukiko and Hikari in the original fic were just minor recurring characters and the Abridged Series reflected this, it was the narrator calling them out. I think having actual characters calling them out is a lot more satisfying.
> 
> I also got rid of the "Die, monster!" exchange referencing Castlevania, because I wanted to move it someplace I felt made more sense with a particular gag I'm adding.


	31. Perfectly Ultimate Gross-Out

"Hey! It's Jo Wheeler!" said a random fanboy. No, really. That's his name. First name Random, last name Fanboy.

"Nyeh?" asked Jo.

"Who _are_ you?" asked Dawn.

"Jo, I'm your biggest fan!" said Random Fanboy. "Can I have your autograph?"

_This kid don't make any sense!_ thought Jo. _Maybe if I sign her deal, she'll leave me alone._ I dunno, man. Fanboys can be crazy.

"Ta-da!" said Jo. "I signed it."

"Can I take a selfie with you?" asked Random Fanboy.

"No, that's okay," said Jo. "Um, here, I'll let you hold my Duel Disk if you promise not to take any pictures."

"All right!" said Random Fanboy.

"Remember, you treat a Duel Disk just like your partner," said Jo. "You fasten it to your arm and place trading cards inside it at regular intervals. And another thing – "

"I'm off!" said Random Fanboy, running away. Asshat.

"Fucking fanboys!" said Jo.

"Why are we hanging out together?" asked Salama.

"I dunno," said Selena.

"I'm not sure how I ended up hanging with Jo for a bit," said Dawn. "Maybe the narrator cut a subplot?"

"Hey, look!" said Honda. "That kid must've stolen Jo's Duel Disk! This looks like a job for Ineffectual Minor Character Woman!" Honda, thankfully, was somehow smarter than Random Fanboy and got the Duel Disk back.

"Nice job, Trista!" said Jo. "Be careful, he's a fanboy!"

"Want me to break his neck?" asked Trista.

"Maybe later," said Jo.

"I'm really sorry, Jounouchi!" said Random Fanboy. "I just got so sick of writing horrible fanfiction! So I wanted to find other ways to ruin my favorite show for everybody else!"

"Let's break his neck!" said Trista.

"Nyehh, I still don't get why you tried to steal my Duel Disk," said Jo.

"It wasn't my idea," said Random Fanboy. "Somebody else put me up to it. She was short, had blue hair, and wore glasses!"

"Blue hair?" asked Dawn. "That doesn't sound like anyone we know. But we _do_ know of a short girl with _teal_ hair and glasses."

"I thought we weren't supposed to be referencing Yu-Gi-Ou-Hi! GX!" said Selena.

"I'm talking about Weevil!" said Dawn.

"…Oh. Whoops."

"Who in the heck is short, has teal hair and wears glasses in Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, anyway?" asked Dawn.

"Let's just drop it," said Selena.

"I implicitly believe you, thieving child!" said Jo.

But, as it turns out, behind every asshat is an even greater asshat. In a dark alley, Random Fanboy (who just might be Randall Flagg) met up with Weevil.

Weevil chuckled. "So like, did it work?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Random Fanboy. "I put the card in Jo's deck, just like you told me to."

"Cool," said Weevil. She chuckled. "Now I can like, do something! Or something."

"What about the rare card you promised me?" asked Random Fanboy.

"Oh, yeah, um, here you go!" said Weevil.

"But I can't even see what this card is!" said the fanboy.

"That's because I gave you the uncensored version of the Enchanting Mermaid," said Weevil. She chuckled. "You can totally see her boobs! Oh, hey, check this out," she said, chuckling. "Loogie gun!" She shot Random Fanboy with a slime gun. Ew. She laughed. "Loogies are cool!"

"Ugh. I pretended to be a fanboy for nothing…"

Meanwhile, at the hospital…

"What's wrong?" asked Shizu.

"Sorry to bother you, Shizu," said the nurse, "but if you happen to see a little boy, please let us know. He's recently recovered from a seizure after watching an episode of Pokémon. And now, he's convinced he's Ash Ketchum. He keeps calling me Nurse Joy. It's quite annoying."

"Didn't we already make a gazillion Pokémon references?" asked Shizu.

"No, but even if we had, this one is actually relevant," said the nurse.

"Hmm," said Shizu. "I wonder if my blindness from Season One has given me superpowers. Hey, what's that noise?"

"That noise" was Delusion Boy playing the Pokémon theme.

"Hey, I'm Ash Ketchum, Pokémon trainer!" said Delusion Boy.

"Oh, for the love of – "

"I'm gonna be the best Pokémon trainer the world has ever seen!" said Delusion Boy.

"I don't care," said Shizu.

"Are you Silver?" asked Delusion Boy.

"No, I'm not Silver," said Shizu.

"Come on, Pikachu!" said Delusion Boy. "We gotta beat Silver to fight the Elite Four!"

"Okay, where the hell is the panic button?" asked Shizu. "He's even getting the anime and games mixed up!"

Meanwhile, back in the city…

"Weevil Underwood!" said Jo. "So it was _you_ who tricked that kid into stealing my Duel Disk for no reason! That gives me rage of the Brooklyn variety!"

Weevil chuckled. "Yeah, it's like, revenge will be mine, and stuff."

"What are you talking about?" asked Jo. "Yugi was the one who beat you in Season One. What's your beef with lovable ol' Jo Wheeler?"

"Um, heh, it's someone else I'm getting revenge on, heh heh. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all, heh heh."

"Nyeh?"

"These two annoying chicks beat Rex and I offscreen. One of them kept summoning demons, and the other kept summoning anime girls, heh heh. We're, like, gonna beat them to the finals or something?"

" _Really,_ Weevil?" asked Dawn.

"That wasn't even in an official tournament!" said Selena. "We aren't even participating in _this_ tourney!"

"You suck as a villain!" said Dawn.

"Anime Girl Milhouse is a jerk!" said Ted.

"Check it out!" said Weevil. "Heh, I'm gonna summon my rarest monster. The Perfectly Ultimate Great Moth!"

"Perfectly Ultimate Great Moth?!" asked Salama. "That's one of the most powerful cards in all of Duel Monsters!"

"I summon the Swordsman of Landstar!" said Jo.

"The Swordsman of Landstar?!" asked Salama. "That's one of the most powerful cards in all of Duel Monsters!"

Weevil chuckled. "You activated my trap, buttmunch!"

"I beg to differ!" said Jo. "I summon Jinzo, negating the effects of whatever trap you had."

"So like, I used that kid to sneak a parasite card into your deck," said Weevil. "Forcing all your monsters to become insect-types!"

"Nyehh, it's like that chest-burster scene from Alien! Only less repulsive."

"I beg to differ!" said Selena, who was looking distinctly green around the gills.

"Jeff Goldblum?!" asked Salama. "He's one of the most powerful cards in all of Duel Monsters!"

"I thought Kaiba said this tournament was gonna adhere to the rules," said Jo. "Weevil should be disqualified by now!"

"Heh heh, I also should have been disqualified in Season One, but go figure, heh heh."

"Face it, Jo, Kaiba hates you more than J. J. Abrams hates Star Wars," said Ted.

Meanwhile, at KaibaCorp, everyone's (least) favorite fictional CEO was laughing her head off.

Back at the Duel of the Week…

"I summon my Insect Queen!" said Weevil, chuckling.

"Insect Queen?!" asked Salama. "That's one of the most powerful cards in – "

"Shut up!" said all else involved.

"Well, it is," said Salama.

"It's also one to the most _disgusting_ cards in all of Duel Monsters!" said Selena.

Back in the hospital…

"So, is my sister winning, or…?"

"Come on, Silver! Fight me already!" said Delusion Boy.

"I'm not going anywhere," said Shizu. "I'm recovering from the surgery everyone at this hospital insists I didn't have."

"You're funny, Silver!" said Delusion Boy. "Hey, remember that time I kicked your ass with a Cyndaquil? When you had a Totodile?"

"No," said Shizu.

"You were all like, 'Smell you later!'"

"That was Blue…" said Shizu. "Hey, Ash?" he said, for lack of a better name for Delusion Boy.

"Yeah, Silver?" asked Delusion Boy.

"That doctor told me you have the bubonic plague."

"Oh, is that some sort of new Pokémon that can't be found in the Johto region?"

"No," said Shizu. "It's the bubonic plague."

Back at the Duel of the Week…

"Ewww, her Insect Queen is eating my monsters!" said Jo.

"Ugh, I'm running off to go get a barf bag!" said Selena, who rushed off. She somehow managed to do that, take care of business, so to speak, and come back in time for the duel to finish. Because I suck at realistic timing!

"Now I'm gonna destroy your mighty Insect Queen with a magical can of bug spray," said Jo. "Seriously. That's how I defeat you. Clearly, this is a victory for the record books. Let that be a lesson to ya, Weevil – minor characters from Season One stand absolutely no chance in this tournament. That's why I'm gonna take you out, one at a time. 'Cause I'm Jo Wheeler, card game warrior." I'm pretty sure that's not how it works…

"Agh, I lost?!" asked Weevil.

"Okay, Trista, _now_ you can break her neck," said Jo.

Weevil screamed surprisingly calmly for someone whose neck was ostensibly being broken.

"Yeah, I can break necks with my mind!" said Trista. Great. Another person that needs to go to Domino City Hospital. Isn't that fantastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the references a bit. I had Delusion Boy call Shizu Silver rather than Misty because Shizu is male and I didn't want to make it seem like he was misgendering him. I also picture male!Shizu having shoulder-length hair, and Silver, the rival character from the Johto games, also has shoulder-length red hair.
> 
> I also had Shizu say he had the bubonic plague rather than cancer, because cancer jokes aren't funny. Jokes about long-dead diseases that nobody has any more are marginally funnier.
> 
> I also changed and cut some other references, and had Selena be implied to actually throw up since Tsukiko was nauseated by the card Haga snuck into Jounouchi's deck in the original fic.
> 
> I also changed the fanboy's gag from the inclusion of gratuitous Japanese to him pretending to be a fan because I didn't think the old gag was funny enough when I went to edit this. Also, I referenced Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, because why not?


	32. The Worst of Both Worlds

"Marika, we should be arriving in Domino City in approximately four chapters," said Rion.

"Excellent!" said Marika. "That gives us time for at least one children's card game!"

"As you wish, Marika!" said Rion.

"Now to awaken the newest addition to the Steve family!" said Marika.

Back in Domino City…

"Dude!" said Selena, roughly translating as "This street artist is a genius."

"Dude!" said Dawn, roughly translating as "I concur!"

The individual that our minor characters were "Dude!"ing at, whose name is Strings, ran off.

"Dude!" said Bakura, roughly translating as "Dude!" As you can tell, I took a Dudese class.

Meanwhile, Yugi was standing by a river, next to her hallucination – I mean, Yami.

"I only just realized, pharaoh," said Yugi, "But you don't have a reflection. Is there something you're not telling me?" Yeah, the fact that she's a figment of your imagination!

"Yugi, I'm an ancient spirit living inside your body. Of course I don't ha – "

"Don't lie to me!" said Yugi. "You're a vampire, aren't you?"

"It's the middle of the day," said Yami.

"Well, that proves nothing," said Yugi. Clearly she doesn't know her vampire mythology.

"I never should have let you read Twilight," said Yami. I feel ya, Yami. I feel ya. "It's 2021, why are you reading that crap?"

Strings walked up to our duo of hallucinator and imaginary girlfriend.

"We meet once again for the first time, pharaoh!" said Marika. Huh?! How does that even…

"Marika, you coward!" said Yugi. "Why do you keep using innocent bystanders as pawns in your deadly game?"

"Innocent?" asked Marika, incredulous. "Are you kidding me?! Have you _seen_ this guy?! He's got piercings all over his body! You've got to be pretty effed up to agree to something like _that!_ "

"He's still a human being!" protested Yugi.

"He's also a mime," said Marika.

"Oh," said Yugi. "In that case, yeah, I'll kick his ass." Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

"Wonder twin powers activate!" said Yugi and Yami. "Form of… an Egyptian asshat!"

"Now, Marika," said Yami, "I shall take control of Yugi's body to defeat you in a children's card game!"

"Oh, right, because when _I_ take control of somebody to make them play a card game, that's pure evil, but when _you_ do it, that makes you the hero!"

"Geez, this chick's nothing but a whiny teenager with magical powers," said Yami. "She's Usagi Tsukino, that's who she is." Hey man, Usagi had more reason to complain than _you._

"Well, why don't you just suck blood from her neck, Carmilla?" said Yugi.

Meanwhile, outside Domino Museum…

"Interesting," said Florian. "My gaydar has let me to this museum. Perhaps they're doing an exhibit on Sappho." She then took a closer look at the sign. "Oh, wait, this is an _Egyptian_ exhibit, my bad."

Inside the museum…

"Oh mighty giant rock, sometimes I think you are the only one that truly understands me," said Ishin. Suddenly… "What's this? I sense an evil presence approaching. Well, I wouldn't want to get involved with the plot, so I guess I'll just go hide." Coward.

"Such a powerful source of gay energy, and it's mine for the taking!" said Florian. Suddenly, the Millennium Ring stopped working. "Oh, blast," she said. "I knew I should have recharged the batteries before I left the house this morning." A literal plot device as well as a metaphorical one! Anyway, Florian approached the Giant Rock of Dramatic Reactions. "Ahh, this is no ordinary giant rock," she said. "It's also a giant plot device. And very soon, I shall use it to destroy the pharaoh and everything she holds dear. Give or take a few hundred chapters."

Back at the Duel of the Week…

"You call yourself pharaoh, but you don't even know how to use your power. That's why destiny has chosen me to take it from you," said Marika.

"What power are you talking about?" asked Yami.

"Foolish fool!" said Marika. "I'm talking about the power to look good in leather."

"That power belongs to me and me alone!" said Yami. "And maybe NSYNC, but mostly to me. And I won't let you take it without a fight."

"We'll see how strong you are when you're trapped in my Nightmare's Steelcage!" With that, a cage formed around Yami. As if this series didn't have _enough_ things to take out of context. What? You say I have a dirty mind? _You_ are the one who has a dirty mind! Anyway…

"And now, I summon the Egyptian God card, Slifer the Executive Producer!" said Malika.

"Holy Mumm-Ra!" said Yami. "Look at the size of that thing. It makes Kaiba's ego look positively miniscule." Hey, she's not as bad as Joss Whedon! At least Kaiba had _skill_ to back it up!

Marika laughed. "Cower in fear, pharaoh. Because Slifer is going to executive produce the crap out of you!"

Meanwhile, back to our other main characters (and Salama)…

"Jo, what's the matter with you?" asked Trista. "You haven't played a card game in one whole episode. You gotta get back in the game, man!"

"No," said Jo. "From now on, I only duel minor characters from Season One. That's how I roll."

"But Jo – !"

"That is how I roll, Trista!" said Jo.

Diabolus Sororibus Ex Machina ensued.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Kaiba. "I specifically requested that Jo Wheeler be banned from my tournament! Somebody must have *BLEEP*ed up big time." _And "devil sisters from the machine?" Really?_

"Hey Kaiba!" said Jo. "You're a minor character from Season One! How about a duel?"

"There wasn't a single word you just said that didn't make me want to kill you," said Kaiba.

Helicopter Ex Machina ensues, yet again.

"Ms. Kaiba!" said the pilot. "Our Deus Ex Machina scanners have detected that an Egyptian God card has been summoned somewhere in the city! If you climb on board, we'll take you to the signal's location!"

"Finally, I can get back to the plot…" muttered Kaiba.

"She's got problems, man!" said Selena.

"Big time!" agreed Jo.

"Oh, she's not _all_ bad…" said Bakura.

"What else do you say about some jerk who tries to ban _one specific person_ from their tournament?" asked Selena. "Why'd she even come here, anyway? I mean, come on, surely the host of the Battle City tournament has better things to do than snark at specific duelists!"

"You'd be surprised…" said Jo.

Back at the Duel of the Week…

"You're finished, pharaoh," said Marika. "For every card I have in my hand, Slifer's attack power increases. And with my Revival Jam in play, you can't hope to touch my life points. Now I play the Card of Safe Return, which allows me to draw three more cards every time my Revival Jam is sent to the graveyard. It's your move, Yugi." She laughed.

"You know something, Marika?" asked Yami. "Dueling you is like watching Sword Art Online: it got boring after about five minutes."

"Because of the Mary Sue protagonist!" said Marika. "Now soon, you will be crushed, and people all over the place will marvel over me."

Yami then fell to her knees. Because of course she does. Can't go wrong with overdramatic reactions, after all. "She's right," she said. "How can I hope to defeat an Egyptian God card?"

Diabolus Sororibus ex Machina ensued again.

"Quit your sniveling, Yugi," said Kaiba.

Yami looked up at her.

"Just because this guy has an Egyptian God card, that doesn't mean he's going to win," said Kaiba. "You and I both know that there's more to card games than having the most powerful monsters. A true duelist doesn't rely on their cards alone. If you want to win this match, you're going to have to take a page out of my book and _screw the rules!_ " Is this character development or is Kaiba being out-of-character again?

"She's right, and I know just how to do it," said Yami. She stood up. "I'll use Brain Control to take control of Revival Jam. Now, every time Slifer destroys my Revival Jam monster, she'll be forced to draw three new cards. And when Revival Jam returns to the field, Slifer's special ability means it has to attack any new monster that appears, starting the whole process over again. This will continue until she no longer has any cards left in her deck, rendering me the winner by default."

"Yugi, you took advantage of a glaring flaw in the Duel Monsters rulebook," said Kaiba. " _Truly,_ you are an honorable duelist." Sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.

"Fools!" said Malika. "It doesn't matter if you take Slifer the Executive Producer, for I have an even stronger God Card up my sleeve. Soon, I shall arrive in Domino City, where my Steve squad is already preparing to capture your beloved friends Ted, Trista, and Jo. And don't bother trying to find them, for they are masters of disguise."

"Damn it!" said Yami. "I have to save my friends." She ran off.

"See, Mokuno?" said Kaiba. "This is why I don't let you have friends." Heh. Is _somebody_ jealous of Yugi's friends?

_Oh, hell no!_ said Kaiba.

Did you even bother looking at the tags on this fic?

_…No. Should I have?_

Heh heh heh!

_Oh no…_


End file.
